Why I write...

While reading something that I wrote today, SB said that it was touching and he didn't think I could have said it better. While he might be a little biased, I think there's something in what he said. I had a day today where the wheels just fell off and I spent the day nestled in my parents couch wrapped in a duvet (tired, not sick or depressed, just deathly tired) with a lot of time to think. I came to the following conclusion.

I like to write. Writing letters, writing lists, writing blog posts, writing stories... I get pleasure from the creation of a well-crafted piece of writing. I am an actress (or at least a drama teacher) and public speaking isn't hard for me. I'm one of the first to leap into a conversation about something that I'm passionate about. Yet even in these situations something is lacking.

Writing gives me the opportunity to think slowly about what I want to say. Writing gives me the chance to delete and rewrite, making sure that each sentence says exactly what I want it to. Writing gives me the chance to get thoughts out of my head so that they can no longer torment me. Whether it is a to-do list trapped in my mind or a hurt I'm nursing, once it's out of my head and on paper or screen, I can relax.

Writing gives me the power to withhold knowledge if I know it will hurt, or place conditions on what I wrote. An example of this is this blog. My mother knows of this blog's existence, yet she knows it is my place to be free. She can read it on condition that she doesn't object to the content... and let's face it, it may not always frame her in the best light. The same applies to me reading her blog. If I want to write about really ugly feelings, I may burn the letter afterwards. It's so cathartic.

Writing on the blog makes me smile - that a record of my life is imprinted on the world and upon everyone who reads this. I hope to live until I'm grey and old and be able to look back on this time. Alternatively, if I'm not so lucky then at least a part of me will exist after I am gone. Maybe my kids will get a laugh at how introspective their mum was in her early twenties. They'll be able to see the time (hopefully) that I met their father, the man of my dreams.

Why do you write?

20 + 10 for 2010

Coming to the end of the year, I find a lot of my time is spent looking back over the year and looking forward to the future, wondering will happen... here's my list of 20 goals and 10 hopes for the year 2010.

Goals

1. Get a teaching job - hopefully this will happen before 2010, but if not, it is my hope that I will be able to pick up a permanent role during the year.
2. Take a yoga class - my work place (that I am leaving just before Christmas *scared face*) offers one for a decent price so I really don't have an excuse
3. Get fit - we are getting a Nintendo Wii soon and once we have a place that we know we are staying in next year we will be getting a treadmill - no excuse of crappy NZ weather.
4. Go on an overseas holiday - at the moment, it looks like New Caledonia for the win. SB is not fond of flying so we're taking it in baby steps.
5. Be more zen/foster patience - I know this is a huge character failing in myself and something I definitely need to improve on.
6. Do little, often - this year, I have often been guilty of coming in and dumping notes in areas and having these massive cleaning binges in the holidays. Next year, when we are settled, I need to develop a better system. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place
7. Buy a filing cabinet - see 6 above.
8. Develop more pride in myself - multiple reasons have led me in the past to think that I am not very good looking and this has reflected itself in my neglect to put myself together in a spectacular way. This stops now - I have a slammin' wash and wear hairstyle, now I just need to sparkle up my face and make sure I put together gorgeous outfits. Style mavens, I'm looking at you.
9. Be creative - so many of the handmade projects on the web inspire me. 2010 is going to be the year that I start creating them on my own.
10. Give consciously - think about the best solution for an issue and work towards that. Start in my own community and group of friends and move outwards
11. Bake more - one thing both SB and I love from our childhood years was how there was always something yummy of mum's baking around. I need to get into the habit now of creating these delicious treats (and then SB doesn't need to take so many processed snacks to work!)
12. In the same vein, I need to learn how to decorate cakes better. Have this brilliant idea for a Bachelorette party cake and NO idea how to execute it.
13. Take more photos - for some reason I didn't take as many photos this winter - I love having a photo record of the fun times I have and the beauty I see around me... loads of memories for when I'm gray and old LOL.
14. Leading on from 13 above, create some scrapbooks! There's not much use in having all my memories stored digitally - they need to be out, tangible and beautiful for people to see.
15. Buy a sewing machine - it doesn't need to be a flash one, I'm just a beginner. Looking forward to perhaps trying to construct skirts that flatter my oddly shaped figure.
16. Make more meaningful connections with people... this is a hard one to describe in detail. I feel like I know lots of people but only know a select few... I want to get to know people better, find out what drives them, excites them, makes them tick.
17. Post more frequently to Scribbles - I've let life get away on me somewhat in the past year, so aiming for at least two posts a week in 2010 - that makes 104 little doses of me, which I'm sure you can tolerate :)
18. Throw more dinner parties! There's nothing I love more than getting a group of friends together for a delicious meal. The dinner party we had this year was superb (even if it was a make-your-own burrito bar) and I want loads more repeats please!
19. Start writing fiction like I have always planned to do... I'm not going to set a goal of even trying to get published next year but I need to start working towards it as a future goal. Because of study and because of the needs of my future profession, NaNoWriMo is never going to be an option for me but that doesn't mean I should not write.
20. Write more letters - this is a bit of a selfish one... I like writing letters because I LOVE receiving them. Far better than boring bills.

Hopes

1. That my mum responds well to whatever chemotherapy she ends up with
2. That SB and I continue to grow in our relationship together
3. Well, it's not exactly a secret that I want to spend the rest of my life with the boy, so a little sparkly would be the icing on the cake (mmmm maybe this should be 2b - only if SB feels like extending himself LOL)
4. That the bachelorette party I am planning at the moment turns into a kickass night that the bride remembers forever
5. That the bogan-themed party that SB and I are planning for our birthdays (a week apart) is a success
6. That as packed as my February & March calendar is next year, I take the time to breathe, enjoy the moment and love every minute of the time I spend with my love and my friends.
7. That SB and I have a great time on our mid-year tropical sojourn and it is everything I hope it will be.
8. That I can look back on 2010 and be proud of all I have achieved.
9. That my creative spark gets fired up and I have a lot more interesting blog posts to write on the Scribbles site yet :D
10. That 2010 sees more and more of my friends achieving their own goals and seeing their hopes fulfilled, whatever that may be.

LOL now that I look back on this, it looks an awful lot like a meme. So fill it out Scribblettes, either in the comments or linking me to your URL on your blog. I would love to know what you have planned for 20 + 10 for 2010!

300 Posts - and a little visual gift for you

On a morning when I wake up feeling a little down, what should I find in my RSS feed but this wee gem supplied by Always The Planner. Enjoy!

Underemployed...

And so it begins, my summer of underemployment. Don't get me wrong, I currently have two jobs that I'm squeezing in together to ensure I have a decent cashflow. But the spans of days are currently mine and it's just the nights that are cluttered. It seems counterproductive to the life I want to have - with time for friends and family - but everything is manageable for a finite time.

What do I hope for in this season of underemployment? I want to make the best use of my days, doing lunches with SB and some of my friends. I want to use the time fruitfully to go through the stuff that I have and decide what will come to SBs with me and what will stay. I want to bake treats and give them to friends and family. I want to plan Christmas menus so together as a family we can implement them and show Mama Scribbles an awesome Christmas that she doesn't have to put any effort into. I want to buy decorations for SB and my first christmas tree. I want to remember even in the midst of retail madness the spirit of Christmas, laughter, and love.

Too much to ask?

An unearthly cry...

Struggling to wind down after a long drive home to the parents last night, I didn't end up getting to bed until around half past twelve. Lying in my bed, in the converted garage, I could hear this odd moaning warble. As much as I tried, I couldn't work out where it was coming from. I went into the lounge and asked my mum to help me investigate.

Sneaking outside in her t-shirt nightie, she couldn't hear a thing. I declared that I had probably actually snapped, that I was clearly having a psychotic hallucinogenic breakdown and was going back to bed. All this excitement had understandably got me re-amped and I lay in bed slowly drifting back to the land of Nod as the numbers slowly ticked past on the alarm clock.

1:45 am

Gaaaaawaaaaahgaaaaaburbleowwwwww

I jumped out of bed and flicked the light on - this was really starting to bug me. I whipped back the curtain to find my parents' cat staring at me through the window. Gaaaaawaaaaahgaaaaaburbleowwwwww - right to my face. This cat had recently had steroid shots for a medical condition which seems to make her both schizophrenic and shed like crazy. Combine this with my allergy to cats and the fact that I was the only one still awake - I was stuck. I set up an obstacle course that would direct the cat to the lounge and opened the external door, approaching the cat with a handful of towel - I didn't want to get her hair on me.

She sprinted off! I stood at the door, stamping my feet. I lifted my fist and cursed in the general direction of the neighbouring property that the cat had escaped to. Closing the door, I disassembled the obstacle, flicked off the light and crawled back into bed.

2:15am

Gaaaaawaaaaahgaaaaaburbleowwwwww

Pillow over head. Good Night.

Literary Inspiration: Once more unto the breach, dear friends

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height.

- William Shakespeare, HENRY V

It makes me laugh how much this inspiring speech from Shakespeare can be seen in the faces and the comments of my colleagues in the last week of our programme. For some of the students, today's presentations (for meeting the graduating teacher standards) were the last assessment. For others (like myself), there's just a presentaton in our curriculum speciality classes and an assignment to hand in this final week. It's funny how at this point in the year it's just a presentation, just an assignment... the things that would have had us quaking in our boots earlier this year are just another foe to slay as we forge our way across the battlefield to that finish line. I can't see any reason why I wouldn't pass any of my assignments so that means that as of Friday, I will be FREE!

It's odd, it's almost like my mind can't comprehend it. I've had holidays this year, but always had readings or assignments to start, planning to complete... at the moment I don't even have a job for next year so as of next week, my only responsibilities will be making sure I get to work at the appropriate time and just generally being awesome (that's what I call collective responsibilites to SB, family and friends)... considering everything that has been weighing on me this year, it seems like surprisingly little.

Of course, a girl has to celebrate these milestones. And while I would love to have a teaching position lined up (for next year) to celebrate also, finishing my Grad Diploma is no less a marathon effort for lack of position so far. Friday evening will find me out at dinner with SB and friends, tucking into a hearty meal and dashing back a few cocktails to celebrate my freedom (and to remind me that I no longer need to set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide, hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit to his full height!)

Any milestones you are celebrating, Scribblettes?

Nail Biting...

Thank you guys so much for your kind comments on my last post - my life certainly is a roller coaster at the moment and it means a lot that you all are holding on for the ride. Yesterday I had a mini-freakout at my computer while working on an assignment and actually started feeling tight in the chest... I obviously don't handle anxiety as well as I thought. Casting my mind back, the last time my life was this full on I was a smoker - it was definitely a crutch. I'd never smoke again but part of me wishes I could get the calm without the cancer stick.

The tension helped me knock a couple of assignments on the head yesterday which has taken a bit of the pressure off. I emailed one of the schools I applied to, asking a question that I hadn't thought of when I met them a wee while back. I found out in the reply that they took that as my interview, they had short-listed me and were checking references before making a decision. I'm hoping upon hope that I get this job - the job market is so tight right now. I'm going out next Friday with some friends to celebrate the end of my studies and it would make my day to be able to celebrate having a job for next year as well.

It's funny how quickly this time flies... and how we want it to be over. A wise friend told me yesterday "Don't wish this time away. You'll find yourself where you thought you wanted to be, longing for the past you can no longer have". So I'm embracing this hectic time of life and trying to stop and smell the roses. Have any of you Scribblettes had experience with anxiety? Do you have ideas of how to fix it or are you in favour of riding it out?

A change of address... temporarily?

As those of you who follow me on Twitter will have gathered, Mama Scribs has a cancerous lymph node. We originally thought that she would only have to have radiation (like a bad sunburn) but this is not possible (for more info as to why, see here). Instead she gets to go through chemo (like the worst food poisoning ever) which has not been a good experience for her at all. She was constantly prone to infections and ended up in the hospital multiple times during chemo due to her immune system having an EPIC fail.

How on earth does this link with a change of address? I'm working over the summer in a mall and hopefully starting a teaching job at the end of January at a high school. There's one thing that both these places have in common... loads of people. And where there are loads of people? Loads of germs. Scribbles waltzes into the house absolutely knackered, grabs a glass out of the cupboard, turns on the tap, fills the glass and wanders off. Mama Scribbles comes in, turns on tap... ba-bow. It seems ridiculous but compromising someone who has no immune system is that easy. Easiest solution? Scribs needs to get the heck out of Dodge (whatever that means).

Seeing I spend a significant amount of time there already, the easiest solution seems to be to move in with SB (plus he wants me there!). Part of me is really nervous about it - what if seeing me those extra couple of times a week drives him crazy? LOL. The saner part of my mind knows that it's just what we had planned to do next year, a little earlier. I can look at it as an opportunity to make sure we can do this, without the financial commitment of finding a flat together: we don't know that we want to stay living on his parents' property next year and might take it as an opportunity to "try-before-we-buy" in a different town.

So as well as assignments and career thoughts occupying my head, I'm already starting to plan a list of what I will move - big furniture will stay with the parental Scribbles for now. Within the month, Scribbles will be becoming a country girl (a handy ten minute drive from town LOL) and a live-in-girlfriend. Follow me on the journey!

Tagged!

The darling MissB tagged me to share seven random things about myself so you lucky Scribblettes get to delve deep into my psyche today!

1. When we were young, I managed to convince my younger sister that she was adopted. She has olive skin compared to the white, white skin of my parents and I... strike 1. There's a photo of me at the hospital with Mum when I was born, ChChSis only has photos of her once she had arrived home... you get the picture. A sign of a future debate queen? Or evil?

2. I take the tomato out of my burger, yet I'm happy to eat it by itself.

3. I'm more sure than I've ever been before that what I have with SB is what I want forever and it occasionally terrifies me that I will do something to cock it up.

4. The number one reason I want to be a homeowner so I can own a dog! I'm not sure what type yet, something small and very cute. My auntie has an shi tzu with the best temperament ever so I'm leaning in that direction.

5. I cannot believe that I have almost finished my teaching diploma - it seems like yesterday that I was handing in my resignation for my marketing job, yet so much has happened in the last two years.

6. It frustrates me when the first thing people ask upon meeting me is "How's your mum?" - I sometimes get fed up with being "that chick whose mum has cancer". I want people to ask how I am, yet that makes me feel guilty.

7. Em was right, despite the ups and downs. 2009 has definitely been my year!

I tag any of you all that want to participate - leave a link in the comments to your page! Love to learn more about you.

A life portfolio

While I type this post, I'm also uploading files to create a professional portfolio as one of my course requirements. It's a collation of the work that I have done over the entire year and shows how I fit the required graduating teacher standards. The files can be screen shots, essays, lesson plans, images, associate reports - basically anything that answers one of the specified requirements we must fulfill for provisional registration.

Pulling out files from every corner of my computer, I've also come across a lot of other files - poetry I wrote when I was nine, a certificate my mum made me for making my first ever banana cake, photos galore and even some archived MSN conversations. A digital shaping of my life so far, one might call it.

It got me to thinking... if I had to put together a portfolio of my life, what would be in it? What standards would I have hoped to live my life by? What values are important to me and what do I want to achieve? How do I measure that I've got there? The photo above shows that I take the time to enjoy both people and places, no matter how busy I get. I took time out from working on my assignments and housework on the weekend to go for a walk with my darling SB at a favourite beach of ours (where we first started talking about our future, actually) and loved having his company in the wonderful weather that NZ switched on for us.

There are standards in my life portfolio I can meet at the moment (being a dutiful daughter, being a supportive girlfriend, etc, etc) and other standards I hope I can meet in the future (being a loving and kind mother, a conscientious home owner and neighbour). What is in your life portfolio? How do you know you've achieved the standard?

Yippee!

I didn't want to jinx it by saying anything (and I don't know why, I'm not that superstitious) but I had taken part in what seemed to be some very positive discussions about a job over summer. My student allowance runs out at the end of November and I had been very concerned about making ends meet over summer - my employment at my current job does not offer enough hours and will end with the closing of the business over the Christmas/New Year period. Biting nails for the last couple of weeks, I am pleased to announce that I finally have a confirmed "christmas casual" job!

I swore when I started my marketing and PR job around four years ago that I would never work retail over Christmas again... famous last words! Without going into too much detail, I will be working in a lingerie shop, selling sexy wee bras and panties and making use of the employee discount *wink wink*. It's for a company that seems friendly and has some hot little designs so I'm really looking forward to it... the being paid thing is nice too.

If only I could get a confirmed teaching job, about half my stress at the moment would lift right off my shoulders! Patience is a virtue, I know! Is there anything you are waiting for, Scribblettes? Let me know in the comments!