They say you can't get away from your problems but I think that I managed to do it, at least for a little while, in Wellington. Maybe the walking all day just left me so physically exhausted that I had no choice but to fall asleep at night... maybe it was the booze LOL. I slept solidly through each night - no longer the case now that we're at home.
At the doctor's yesterday, I had a check-up. I needed a new prescription of my BCP and I asked for some sleeping tablets. It's standard practice at my doctor's clinic to note down what is causing your insomnia (stops abuse and addiction of tablets, I assume) so I actually had to discuss what I'm anxious about. I thought that maybe it was mum's health concerns but what it actually boiled down to was a lack of control that I have on my future.
It's two and a half weeks until my contract ends and we've made the decision that I won't be working (so that I can spend more time with my family over Christmas - we don't know how many Christmases we have left together) and running the numbers, we definitely can manage for a fair while on SB's income alone. Part of me is very apprehensive about relying on him to "take care" of everything. It's not that I think that he won't but I have been fiercely independent since, well, forever. It's hard for me to be dependent on other people but I'm guessing that's something that I have to learn.
My anxiety also stems from job uncertainty for 2012. I really want the opportunity to have a position with flexible hours and be able to be fulfilled in all areas of my life - that's why I started Bee Of Service. I just didn't expect to be put in the position where that is a serious reality next year. Changes in Ministry of Education funding have seen the bottom fall out of the secondary teaching market and it's entirely possible that I won't have a permanent teaching job next year. Kinda awesome, kinda sucks when we have a wedding to plan and pay for!
I need to get to a place of peace and serenity with my situation, a place where I am lowering these levels of anxiety to a healthy zone. I need to trust that this situation is this way because it is meant to be, because there are lessons that I am meant to learn from this phase of life. I need to trust that it will work out because it always does. I fear that feeling that way is only going to come with time.
How do you destress and become less anxious, Scribblettes?
Sorry to hear you're so stressed. You sound so much like me last year *hugs*. I was constantly on short term contracts at my otherwise awesome job and the instability - the insecurity of not knowing if my contract would be renewed each couple of months was doing my head in. At the same time my husband broke his leg badly and needed a lot of care - at the same time my brother in law was dying of cancer which had come on very suddenly.
ReplyDeleteI had to make the really difficult decision to give up my budding career (where despite the insecurity I was making an excellent impression and had future opportunities for promotions - had even been promoted in the space of less than six months already). I had to spend quality time with my husband who couldn't work (even escorting him to the toilet and taking care of EVERYTHING he needed physically and emotionally) and his brother who was not going to make it long.
You know what? I wouldn't take my decision back for anything even though it freaked me out at the time. I know your job situation is largely out of your hands but the universe is doing this for a reason (at least that's what I believe - even though it feels like shit at the time). Just like my husband breaking his leg was a blessing in disguise. He was there with his brother in his final weeks whenever he needed him or whenever my husband needed to be for his own sake. If he hadn't been injured he would have been away at work constantly and never had that time.
I know you understand that nothing can buy quality time with loved ones. I'm still not back at work (we all know what happened there...*pats bump*) and I don't regret a thing even though it did freak me out not being independent financially or being able to tell people I'm in a stable paying job (I genuinely thought I was wrecking the whole of feminism). Jobs will come and go - you've got forever to be super successful professionally. Where there's love, there will be a way. I've been scared for the mortgage, missed out on travel adventures and we even had to put our plans for children back a year, but everything has played out for the best in the end. I still have a bit of trouble having the faith in life I used to but slowly it is being restored.
From my heart, I'm thinking of you. Please get some sleep soon xoxo
What a lovely comment from Kez. I think she summed it up perfectly x
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time at the moment, and my thoughts are definitely with you.
ReplyDeleteFor me (and probably you too, given your new business!!!), I'm a planner, and so I like to have some idea of what is in my future... I don't like uncertainty - especially when it's because of outside influences. But I also have to agree with Kez - even though you can't see it yet, these hard times that you're going through are teaching you something. It might be unclear now, but eventually you'll be able to look back on this time and see how all the puzzle pieces fit together.
Also, just like you mention, there are some benefits to your job uncertainty - spending time with your family and also working on your new business - so those are positives and maybe you can focus on them?
I hope that everything starts to come together for you. I really admire the initiative you've taken starting Bee of Service. Sending you much love and positive thoughts.
Hana xo