Today was my first solo opportunity to teach a class. I went in really psyched, thinking I had awesome activities organised for the kids and that they'd be really engaged and into it.
*Insert depressing buzzer sound here*
Wrong. Some of the kids got really into it and followed through on what I wanted done. Some of the kids got really into the second activity - to the point that we were probably disrupting other classes. But there were boys kicking each other, girls opting out and the whole time I had a feeling that I was cocking things up. When I dismissed the class, quite frankly I felt relieved. I finished doing the roll on the computer system, locked the door and walked to the main staff room (where I knew I wasn't likely to see any of my associates ) feeling like I wanted to cry.
I was sitting in the staffroom texting PianoMan when the teacher of our independent learning centre started chatting to me. She ended up giving me this big pep talk and telling me to embrace the feedback that I get, even if it isn't positive (which I knew it wouldn't be). After a strong cup of black tea with sugar, I went back to my associate teacher for my feedback. It wasn't all negative, but as I knew there were vast areas for improvement. We altered my plan slightly for when I teach the class again on Thursday and I'm just praying it goes well then.
What I realised from this is that I don't cope well with failure... I always have ideals for things and then when it turns to shit I freak right the fuck out. I need to accept that I'm not always going to be perfect right off the bat at something just because it is something I want to be good at. Wanting to run before I can walk is not an option here and I'm just going to have to give it 110% effort if I want it to work out.
Now if only I didn't feel so burnt out...