I think I could have happily lived in the 50s...

It's now just one week until I go back to work. I think back to the middle of November and how big the chasm of time felt, the time when I was going to be "funemployed". Two and a half months seems like a really long time but it has just gone by in a flash. I know it sounds cliche but it is totally true.

I really worried that I'd feel unfulfilled while staying at home. The financial side of things has been harder - while we certainly haven't struggled, we haven't had a lot of disposable income either and I will have to catch up on my contributions to our wedding account that I would have made in the time I had off (about $1500). What surprised me is how little not working mattered to my sense of self.

A few of my friends who have had children lately feel a loss of a sense of self when not working - that who they are in their job is a large part of their identity and an identity that they can no longer affiliate themselves with. I haven't felt the same. While I love teaching, it isn't as much of my identity as I thought and the desire to teach flows out in different ways when I'm not in a classroom.

This got me to thinking about the future. We hope that we're blessed enough to be able to have children. We've always assumed that I will stay home if financially possible because we both had SAHM/WAHM mothers when we were young. This time has made me realize that I would be blissfully happy to do that if  we have the opportunity; something my thirteen-year old self would have been horrified by.

As modern women we can have it all, or we can have the parts we want. Part of me wants to be a 50s housewife staying home with my (possible future) children, cleaning and cooking lovely meals for my man and that should be no less judged than the woman who choses to go back to work.

Scribblettes, when you look into your future, what do you see?

Time slips by...

It's the evening of the last day of the school holidays. Plenty of parents out there will be rejoicing that their sweet little darling are heading back to school tomorrow. There will be some teachers who are tearing their hair out, nervous for the term ahead. Me? I'm feeling zen. I know, weird right? Who is this person?

Last term I was stressed out by a whole load of things I couldn't control. Part of me wonders whether me taking better control of my health has lead me to stress a lot less about my mother's health, something that I can't control. I'm also proactively dealing with the crappy job market by setting myself up a side-hustle business - Juliette and Amanda have been invaluable resources during this process! I'll let you all know much more about it when everything is sorted (LOL I do need to pimp my own services, it's true) but the thought behind it is that having this side hustle will give me greater career flexibility in the future.

It's not that I don't like my job - for the most part, I really do! But I think I was equally happy relief teaching as well and what I enjoyed at that time was the flexibility to do what I needed for myself and my friends and family. Anyone who thinks that full-time teaching is a 9-3 job is kidding themselves, there's frequent late nights involved, even if the location is flexible. The reality is that I don't think that's what I want when I have kids. I want the flexibility to schedule a day off and go on school trips. I want to be able to work from home so I can be there when they are sick. Having kids is still a wee way off for us but with all the talk that goes along with getting married, it's part of the discussion we're having.

If I love teaching and yet want more flexibility, how is this going to work? My plan is to get my teaching registration and continue to work full-time before we have kids while working my side-hustle up to a viable part-time business. I'll continue to grow my side hustle when the kiddies are little and return to teaching as a relief teacher (meaning that I can pick and choose my days that I am available) or a part-time teacher for a couple of days a week when the kiddies are a little bit older. To me, and to SB, this seems like the most effective way to get where we want financially while upholding the values of family that we think are important. Big epiphany right? It's taken a couple of weeks to come to grips with it but we're feeling pretty confident we can make it work. Wish us luck!

What about you, Scribblettes? Have you found a way to have a career that reflects what you want in life?

What about the money, honey?

I just had a really weird conversation with one of my friends.

This Christmas it has become more clear to SB and I that with our combined life, having a combined bank account would be really handy. My work is more flexible and I'm often able to run more errands - a large amount of the Christmas presents we've bought have been discussed by us and then bought by me. Not to mention the pain-in-the-rear it is with his weekly budgeting and my fortnightly pay and the inevitable 2nd Tuesday night discussion of how much I need to transfer to his account to cover bills. It might work for others but for us, we've decided that when we decide to combine our lives officially, we may as well combine finances.

SB is in a considerably better financial position than I am (I know, on the web it often seems like things are the other way around) - he left school and went straight into employment, he lived rent-free (only paying expenses) until we moved in together. He has no debt from car purchases or student loans. I on the other hand... was pretty much in the financial pooh when we got together. All up, five and a half years of study had drained the well dry. My credit card was maxed out and my car (which cost me at least the purchase price in repairs in the four years after I got it) had ensured that I had stayed in overdraft pretty much as far as they will allow a student to go. A year later, the credit card is paid off and I'm attacking the overdraft... slowly.

Which leads me to the conversation I had today. Facebook chatting with a friend, she told me she was getting Subway today. I returned with I was eating what we had at home because we're trying to save money. She asked why and I returned with the fact that we are planning on merging our accounts but that I want to pay off my overdraft first. I did not expect the reaction I received. I got told that it was too soon (even though we will have been together over two years when we finally do merge the accounts), that it hadn't worked for her other friends (we don't even know their situation) and what if we broke up (uh, not planning on it)?

I was a bit stunned at the reaction - this isn't something that we've taken lightly. It's not even something that we're doing right now and we're still working on the fine tuning of when it will actually happen. I don't expect his investments to be counted in the pool of "our money" until we're married. As we get closer to the actual merge I have no doubt that there will be many more conversations about what will come from the "ours" account and what will come from the "his and hers" accounts.

I understand she's concerned... I understand for every positive experience that people have had, there's probably someone who has had a negative experience too. What is getting my goat the most is that she didn't even give me the chance to explain all of this.

Scribblettes, what's your experiences with money mergers? Have you had strong reactions from people too?

I will choose to love you...

Today at work we were talking about the difference between teen and adult relationships - our teens think that once the spark is gone, it's all over. They don't realise the difference between lust and love and they certainly don't understand the importance of your partner being your best friend.

With all this in mind, I was driving home and the Stan Walker song "Choose you" came on over the radio. It's certainly not the first time I've heard it (and if you are an Aussie or a Kiwi, I'm sure you've heard it multiple times too) but it was the first time the lyrics struck me... you find profound wisdom in the oddest moments.

Cuz when love starts out

It's all peachy

I love you, you love me seems easy

It's like a walk in the park

But sometimes it takes an act of my will

And a walk in a park turns to uphill

But I promise to give you my heart

Sometimes being in a relationship really is stars-in-your-eyes, roses and puppies carrying mint-chocolate. I know SB and I definitely have those moments. But we also sometimes have those moments that are crappy. We aren't huge fighters but it would be lying to pretend that we don't have moments in which... well... we're kind of jerks to each other. Like babies, when we're tired, hungry or cold, we get cranky.

I will choose to love you, yeahh

Even though I wanna stay mad

Even though I wanna get angry

Though it may be easier to walk away

I will choose to stay

I choose you, I choose you, yeahh

I choose youu

I choose you everyday

I choose you

This was the line that almost made me cry. This is what good relationships are. Waking up in the morning, rolling over and looking at your partner and going "I choose you. I choose to love you today". And choosing that same person to love every day, no matter what happens.

SB, I choose to love you today, tomorrow, always.

Thoughts?

Chicken or...

Clucky?

In a chat with Abstract Aucklander on Twitter, we discussed our changing attitudes to children in our lives. Even three years ago (still well past my teenage years) I had the attitude that I would like kids someday. My friends' kids were adorable and I loved to hang out with them but I also loved the fact that I could give them back. I was all about achieving everything I wanted and fitting kids around that reality and yet now... now I want to make it a priority.

No, I'm not preggers/hapu/enciente and still don't intend on being so before I'm married. There are still things that I want to accomplish before we have kids...

• SB and I are in a committed relationship but I would like to formalise that in marriage before we start a family. I know it's not a priority for everyone, but it is one for us. It's what we grew up with and is familiar to us. Our parents have been married for over 50 years combined.
• I want to get my teaching registration - I do plan on taking a significant amount of time off work when my children are small and it will be easier to return to the work force if I have my full rego. Provided that I can get another job when this one ends at the end of the year, I should have my full registration in Term 2, 2012.
• I want to replace my bomb of a vehicle with something more reliable (and with automatic rather than manual transmission) and pay in cash.
• A couple of overseas trips that are unlikely to happen when we have small children.

So logically, we'll be looking at having kids in about three/four years time. This works for us as we don't want to be older parents and with my PCOS issues, it is better for us to try while I'm still in my twenties. I may be hearing my ovaries sigh as I watch my friends cuddle their young children but my heart is on board with this being the right thing to do.

That said, having talked about this in detail with SB has lead us to make several decisions that we can't deny are influenced by this. The car that I am looking at replacing mine with has the benefit of being able to fit a small family in it (no micro-compact cars for me). Our holiday fund after this year will be focused towards those trips we want to accomplish sans offspring. SB knows that he'll need to propose sometime during the next couple of years LOL. Of course, I fret that I am going to struggle to find a job at the end of this year and that my rego journey is going to take even longer. We've talked about finances and what we will do to ensure that our drop in income is not too heavy while I stay at home. I will return to teaching but we don't need the pressure of me having to return too soon.

It's times like this when I realise how much my life has changed. From high-flying marketing and PR assistant to a woman who looks forward to the day when her job title is Mummy. From self-proclaimed feminist to a traditional girl who wants marriage, babies and to be a wife. From being afraid of the time when I would have to "sacrifice my life" to the time when I look forward to the change on the horizon. In the immortal words of Blink 182 "I guess this is growing up".

P.S. I defined being a grown-up to my Year 12s as the following: "When you see your friend announce her pregnancy on Facebook and you aren't shocked and worried anymore". Yup, growing up.

Waiting... on my world to change...

I always find that my writing frequency decreases when I am in a bad mood. I guess that it is that I don't want to come across to the internet as a big whiney baby. "There's always someone worse off than you" keeps running through my head at an alarming rate. The fact that I was wanting to chew off my fist out of sheer frustration this afternoon begs to differ. So I give you the option now of stopping reading this purely self-indulgent pity party of a post if you want... now.

Literary Inspiration: Once more unto the breach, dear friends

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height.

- William Shakespeare, HENRY V

It makes me laugh how much this inspiring speech from Shakespeare can be seen in the faces and the comments of my colleagues in the last week of our programme. For some of the students, today's presentations (for meeting the graduating teacher standards) were the last assessment. For others (like myself), there's just a presentaton in our curriculum speciality classes and an assignment to hand in this final week. It's funny how at this point in the year it's just a presentation, just an assignment... the things that would have had us quaking in our boots earlier this year are just another foe to slay as we forge our way across the battlefield to that finish line. I can't see any reason why I wouldn't pass any of my assignments so that means that as of Friday, I will be FREE!

It's odd, it's almost like my mind can't comprehend it. I've had holidays this year, but always had readings or assignments to start, planning to complete... at the moment I don't even have a job for next year so as of next week, my only responsibilities will be making sure I get to work at the appropriate time and just generally being awesome (that's what I call collective responsibilites to SB, family and friends)... considering everything that has been weighing on me this year, it seems like surprisingly little.

Of course, a girl has to celebrate these milestones. And while I would love to have a teaching position lined up (for next year) to celebrate also, finishing my Grad Diploma is no less a marathon effort for lack of position so far. Friday evening will find me out at dinner with SB and friends, tucking into a hearty meal and dashing back a few cocktails to celebrate my freedom (and to remind me that I no longer need to set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide, hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit to his full height!)

Any milestones you are celebrating, Scribblettes?

A change of address... temporarily?

As those of you who follow me on Twitter will have gathered, Mama Scribs has a cancerous lymph node. We originally thought that she would only have to have radiation (like a bad sunburn) but this is not possible (for more info as to why, see here). Instead she gets to go through chemo (like the worst food poisoning ever) which has not been a good experience for her at all. She was constantly prone to infections and ended up in the hospital multiple times during chemo due to her immune system having an EPIC fail.

How on earth does this link with a change of address? I'm working over the summer in a mall and hopefully starting a teaching job at the end of January at a high school. There's one thing that both these places have in common... loads of people. And where there are loads of people? Loads of germs. Scribbles waltzes into the house absolutely knackered, grabs a glass out of the cupboard, turns on the tap, fills the glass and wanders off. Mama Scribbles comes in, turns on tap... ba-bow. It seems ridiculous but compromising someone who has no immune system is that easy. Easiest solution? Scribs needs to get the heck out of Dodge (whatever that means).

Seeing I spend a significant amount of time there already, the easiest solution seems to be to move in with SB (plus he wants me there!). Part of me is really nervous about it - what if seeing me those extra couple of times a week drives him crazy? LOL. The saner part of my mind knows that it's just what we had planned to do next year, a little earlier. I can look at it as an opportunity to make sure we can do this, without the financial commitment of finding a flat together: we don't know that we want to stay living on his parents' property next year and might take it as an opportunity to "try-before-we-buy" in a different town.

So as well as assignments and career thoughts occupying my head, I'm already starting to plan a list of what I will move - big furniture will stay with the parental Scribbles for now. Within the month, Scribbles will be becoming a country girl (a handy ten minute drive from town LOL) and a live-in-girlfriend. Follow me on the journey!

If I may take the soap box for a second...

Flying in the face of all those self-help books that advise that you live each moment as if it were your last, live for today, be in the moment... let me add my own somewhat contradictory advice.

Plan for the future today

Finding the best fit for today is not always a smart idea.

Talking to my associate about my disappointment in my job rejection, she advised me that it was likely that particular school did not currently want to spend the time required to train a new teacher (we are legally required to have more time during the school day without our students). If new teachers are not able to find positions, it is likely that more young teachers will simply choose to leave the profession and search for other jobs. Ten years from now, you have no teachers of our generation to fill the ranks of experiences as other seasoned teaches retire or take sabbaticals.

If you focus too much on fulfilling all your wants and whims right now, what are you missing out on in the future? Do we truly contemplate the "opportunity cost" of the decisions we make everyday? Let me know in the comments.

Busy week, with a chance of stunnage...

This past week has been insane and the next week is looking to be just as crazy. In my absence from the blogosphere, I have been:

• completing Week 1 of my last two weeks on placement at a school. That has drawn to a close so quickly, I am almost dumbfounded by the realisation that a week from now, I'll be preparing to go back to the campus with the grown-up people :)
• rejected by the first school I did placement with for a position they had available next year. I have to admit that stings - the negative side of me is going "Wow, they saw you teach and they think you suck". I'm trying to positively reframe their decision in the light that it wasn't meant to be, I'm obviously meant to plant my roots elsewhere and flourish.
• Pink Star Walking for Breast Cancer. It was a fantastic night, raising lots of money for Breast Cancer research. SB, Papa Scribbles and Uncle G all got into the pink spirit by wearing shirts that Mama Scribbles had painted with large pink ribbons. There's just something kinda special about walking along in a sea of people all dressed in the same colour.
• arguing a bit more with SB. We've been miscommunicating this week and it has been a refreshing reminder to both of us that we need to be more clear about what we are wanting. It's also good to see that we can argue, put it aside and still love each other deeply.
• making holiday plans - SB and I have made plans to go away at the start of December and I cannot wait.We're tossing up between two (domestic) destinations and either of them will make me cheer with glee!
• having a Friday where I had to explain to different groups of students the origin of the word menstruation and the definitions of bisexual, transexual and hermaphrodite. In English and Drama classes no less. Who said that being a teacher was boring?

In the week to come, there's plenty to look forward to and also to bite my nails about. I have a preliminary interview (a meet-and-greet tour at one of the schools I've applied to teach at), an interview for a summer job, senior speeches to assess, ends to be tied off with placement duties, assignment work to try and squeeze in around the edges and drinkies with the girls on Saturday night. I'll try and keep the blog as updated as possible, but follow me on Twitter for daily updates.

What were the highlights of your week, Scribblettes?

Careers Week...

"Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
Oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again"

-OK Go lyrics

Just when I think I have a grip on the semester and my classes comes a week of completely different lectures, expos and interviews - the enigma that is Career week. It's sometimes easy to lose sight that there are goals at the end of all this paperwork and study... this week makes it real. We had an insightful panel of principals in a lecture this morning - those from lower decile (socio-economic areas) schools seemed to be filled with more enthusiasm and passion then those from other schools... then again, maybe they just needed some more caffeine. My personal caffeine consumption is at an all-time high at the moment... it's ridiculous. Right now, I'm sitting at my computer desk at work thinking "Damn, I could go for an energy drink right now" LOL. Today's lectures also included a presentation by the New Zealand Teachers' Council - the process of registration still seems overly complex to me but I'm hoping that kind school colleagues will be able to assist me on my next practicum. It may also not have helped my concentration levels that the lecture theatre was absolutely packed to the gills, I was sitting in a stairway and my back was starting to throb like crazy.

Tomorrow is a morning of interesting lectures (unions and first year teachers) but what looks to be really interesting is the interviews with principals tomorrow afternoon and again on Thursday. I'm lucky that four of my top six schools are sending their principal delegates so I will have the opportunity to get my face (and CV!) out there. It finally feels like I am making real progress career-wise... one could say I can see the light at the end of what has sometimes seemed a cold, dark, dank tunnel :D

One of the best things about this week though, has to be that I get both Wednesday and Friday off... I know it must sound incredibly lazy but it's so nice to have the break between the absolute wreck that we all were trying to complete our assignments last week (I'm talking crying, puking or in my case growling-excons-at-the-service-station stressballs) and starting in our practicum schools which brings its own joys. I plan to use my free days to complete my reading log (due October), get a facial, have lunch with SB and to cook some ginger slice at his request. And laze, glorious laze about watching appalling daytime television and relish in the fact that I don't HAVE to do anything. Hooray!

What about you, Scribblettes? Handling the curveballs life is throwing your way? Life progressing nicely? And don't forget to leave me a comment on this post asking me those questions you've always been curious about but haven't known how to ask!

Literary Inspirations: Robert Louis Stevenson

"Everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was."

-Robert Louis Stevenson

This is something that I've been thinking about a lot recently. If you've been following my "real life" over the month of July you will know that I celebrated a lot of milestones with friends. A couple very dear to me moved closer to where I live and it struck me that it wasn't even their first house purchase... they've owned two houses so far. Driving this home even more has been me falling in love with a gorgeous house in my home town that I cannot yet afford.

I'm not the only person that feels this way - many of my colleagues in my teaching programme who were working full time prior to returning to university are feeling the pinch of not being where we thought we would be in our lives... and sick of not having any cash. We're being directed at the moment to complete CVs and as part of that process outline a philosophy of teaching. H summed it up perfectly when she said "OMG I don't care. My philosophy is your philosophy. Just give me the job and some money again!"

SB is good at reminding me of the brevity of this time when I am student-poor. I'm lucky that I'm not poor-poor for a start. It's only until Jan/Feb next year. I'm pursuing a career that I will be happy to do for the rest of my life. This time allows me some (not a lot LOL) extra time and flexibility that I won't have in future. Yes, I don't have some of the things that my friends have but I'm building a life (and hopefully we're building a life together) that reflects values and goals that are important to me. Everyone starts at different points and have different finish lines. Comparing yourself to others can be hazardous to your health.

Your thoughts, Scribblettes?

Selling Yourself...

I've spent the best part of the evening (at work, shhhh don't tell) creating a C.V. for use in application for teaching jobs. What surprised me as a former marketer is how difficult I found it to create a "press release" of my teaching strengths - apparently it's easier for me to be effusive about a organic pop-tart than it is to be about myself.

I had to look back at reports that my associate teachers had given me on practicum to kick-start my ideas. What they said was true - I am a caring person that establishes relationships with my students. I learn all their names and pronounce them correctly. I have a broad general knowledge which helps me engage students better with the topic - I can usually think of an aspect that suits the student's personality and interest.

Perhaps it is easier to see our positives if we look through others' eyes. SB and I were talking about the nicest thing that someone had ever done for us and he told me that it would have been one of the things I had done for him but he was having trouble choosing which one... I guess that age-old adage is true "To the world you may only be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

Your thoughts?

Literary Inspirations: John Wanamaker on Recreation

People who cannot find time for recreation are obliged sooner or later to find time for illness.

-John Wanamaker (19th century merchant)

In my steps to create a healthier lifestyle moving forward, I have to bear this in mind. I went to have a look at what the actual definition of recreation is (English teacher, hello!):

rec⋅re⋅a⋅tion 
/ˌrɛkriˈeɪʃən/ [rek-ree-ey-shuhn] –noun
1.
refreshment by means of some pastime, agreeable exercise, or the like.
2.
a pastime, diversion, exercise, or other resource affording relaxation and enjoyment.
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.

I picked a few important pieces out of this -

Refreshment: It is important that whatever I consider doing as recreation actually refreshes me in body and in spirit. A walk along the beach in brisk winds? Yes! A walk along an avenue of a crowded mall? No!

Exercise: A leading defence against the illness that has plagued me this year is exercise! I'm one of those people that loves getting out and enjoying time and activity in the sun and warmth. Wet cold winter? Not so much. I've been getting SB to show me how to use his home gym to do some exercises and I really need to make an effort to get out and walk about when it's sunny to get that cardio input. I'm already looking at getting a treadmill next winter if SB and I have moved in together (which looks like it may be on the cards).

Relaxation: Going out clubbing and partying hard with friends is all well and good in moderation, as is using my time at home to study and complete assignments. The issue here is that neither of them are particularly relaxing things to do. Moving forward, for the next month or so, I will make sure I'm reading at least one book for pleasure each week and that my weekends include one night that is relaxation, whether it's a night in with SB or a quiet chillout at a friends house.

Enjoyment: I recently changed my plans this weekend - I had made plans to see someone I knew from a long time ago. As I sat flicking through my plans for the weekend, it struck me. Why? Why would I go? This particular person and I never had a particularly strong friendship and although I'd be seeing other people that I did care more for, the effort seemed disproportionate to a friendship that really only lasted a season. It would frustrate me more to go than the enjoyment I would get from going. So I sent my apologies and instead will be relaxing (see point above LOL) with SB, spending some quality time together.

I will be making time for recreation, peaceful and wonderful moments in my life for the people that count - stuff this being sick bullshit LOL! How bout you, Scribblettes?

Sharing out the eggs...

As my time at my practice school comes to an end (with the semester following soon after), a lot of the students are asking me if I will come back next year to teach. As much as I would love to go back to that school as a teacher, its a school that is renowned for innovative approaches and staff support (especially within the English department) and therefore has a relatively low turnover. To boot, I am a beginning teacher and can therefore not work as heavy a class load as a fully registered teacher - if they have a fully registered teacher and myself applying for a vacancy, it's likely I would lose out.

There are two other schools that I would love to work at within a 20k radius of home - looking at both school's websites, reading their ERO reports (the official Ministry of Education discussions) and speaking to previous attendees of the schools... problem with those schools? They're also renowned as fairly awesome. I can't put all my eggs into one or even three baskets or I may see out 2009 without getting a job - and that would make me a sad panda.

So I've worked on a creating a tier system of schools - it currently stands at ten schools:

Tier 1 - Dream College(DC)

Tier 2 - Awesome Rural High (ARH), Awesome College Near Mall (ACNM)

Tier 3 - Fairly Awesome Rural High (FARH), Fairly Awesome High Near Water (FAHNW), Fairly Awesome Landlocked High (FALH)

Tier 4 - Strict Private College (SPC), College Nearest Home (CNH), Alma Mater (AM), Good College Bad Commute (GCBC)

My current thoughts are to send out expressions of interest to Tiers 1, 2 and 3 but keep my eyes open for advertised jobs at Tier 4 schools. It's a way of keeping my fingers in all the pies... the worst thing would be to leave all this too late and be scurrying for jobs that I don't really want. I'll be spending the next couple of weeks collating references etc together and polishing up my CV and crafting cover letters (as well as you know, plan and teach and work and study) - the early bird catches the worm!

Are you dividing your eggs between multiple baskets? Let me know in the comments!

Nerves...

I spent the majority of the last weekend at PianoMan's house - Thurs night, Friday, Sat, Sunday morning - in amongst all our other obligations. Things have been a little tense in Scribbles HQ and because I can get away, I have been. It's dreadfully nice to have a boy who doesn't have any stinky flatmates in his house, but I digress.

Everyone has been snappy and stressed in the Scribbles abode because tomorrow is the day that Mama Scribbles gets her mastectomy (of Gertrude) and reduction. One day and one week from now is when we get the results of the autopsy that they will do on her breast tissue that they removed and we'll find out how well all the treatment has worked. It's amazing to think that it's nine months since she got diagnosed and how quickly her cancer became a normal part of life. Words like metastases and neutrophils roll off the tongue like you're talking about characters of a prime-time show.

The results part is far more terrifying than the surgery. It's unlikely that mum will have any complications from the surgery and everything should go to plan. The results for autopsies of IBC tend to go one of two ways:

a) the cancer is all dead (or mostly dead) and she has an 80% chance of survival to five years

b) the cancer is not all dead and she has an 80% chance of not being around to see her grandchildren.

Even if it's not the result that we want, it doesn't mean the fight is over... it just means watching mum go through more chemo - no more radiation though, they blasted it with all they could this time. She's not old enough to give up and say enough is enough. She'll keep on fighting the hard fight. We're all hoping for the first though.

I admitted to PianoMan on Saturday while I was at work that I'm quite a lot more terrified than I even let on to myself. I don't talk much about it IRL because I don't want to be "that chick that has a Mum with cancer". I know that my friends don't handle me falling apart so well - my depression following the complete combustion that was Ex-S has shown that. It's like that episode of Friends where Chandler finds out that Monica has a secret cupboard full of junk and mess. Telling PianoMan about being afraid was like giving him the key to that cupboard for my feelings and it shows the measure of the man he is that he didn't run away.

Comment on this article if you wish, but what I really would appreciate is you taking the time to pop over to Mama Scribbles' blog and leave a message with your prayers, good wishes and sparkly vibes for her surgery tomorrow.

Putting up with it...

As some of you who follow me on Twitter may know, this week I both worked at my practice school and at my evening job two evenings of this week - this meant I left home at 8am in the morning and got home at half past nine at night. I was over it by ohhh, about two hours into my evening shift on Monday :D

Texting PianoMan, I said I felt really over my job that night and that I wasn't really sure why - usually I love my evening job. He replied that part of it was probably that I'd already worked an entire day and that I was just out of concentration... and I think that's probably true. Teaching is a mentally taxing job. It also freaks me out, just a little, that I have twelve weeks (spread out throughout the rest of the year) of prac and work to go. I also wondered whether part of it is that I've really loved my time at my practice school - the experience has been a real confirmation that I made the right decision to go back to study, that teaching is what I'm meant to be doing with my life. Now a job that doesn't give me the same buzz doesn't quite measure up. I don't intend on giving up this job until January 2010 so I'm hoping I get that loving feeling back.

What it really all boils down to is putting up with it. I'm a firm believer that you can get through almost anything if you know that it is for a finite time. I know that there's only twelve more weeks of the year in which I need to teach and work evenings (and I may take two of those weeks off if I can find cover) and I know that there's only eight more months of work before I'm a beginning teacher (a thought that both excites and terrifies me LOL). There are people I know that are putting up with living oceans away from their partners, that are putting up with living spaces they don't love, that are putting up with all sorts of situations that don't gel with that image they have for their life. It's a heck of a lot easier to put up with it when you know that it's only for a limited amount of time. It's the uncertainty that's harder...

So shoot it back to me, Scribblettes... on this holiday weekend, are there things that you are "putting up with"? Or is uncertainty about the future killing your regular buzz?

Sing us a song, he's my PianoMan...

Chilling out yesterday with the boy, we were looking at costs of flights to Sydney (he's quite keen to come with me in July). While I had the laptop on my legs I decided to show him my website. He's known that I blog but that's been about the extent of it and as we are now an official item, I told him that he had to choose a pseudonym. He's an amazingly talented piano player (just watching his hands blows me away) and so he will be referred to here on out as PianoMan :D

Things between us continue to go fantastically and I can't believe that it will be a month tomorrow. It seems like we only met yesterday yet we've known each other forever. I feel so comfortable with him, it's insane. I used to be really weird about guys touching my tummy - it's not flat, by any stretch of the imagination - but with him it doesn't bother me. It feels comforting and close.We met via a Facebook email and we continue to write them to other every other day or so... it figures that a fantastic relationship of mine would be documented in the written word. He makes me smile, he appreciates me for who I am and makes me look forward to our possible future together.

This is a fairly sentimental and content post and I promise I won't get gushy on you guys too often - just for now I want to wallow in happiness and bliss and the apparent reality of dreams come true.

I survived!!!

Today was my first day of practice teaching at a high school - and I loved it!!!! Of course, there is a big difference between observing and teaching and there will probably be some days that I think that life is being a complete nightmare but here are a few things that I've loved today:

♥ The fact that the school doesn't have bells - it doesn't have anything to signal the end of the period so you avoid that whole "OMG the bells run we have to leave class right now mentality" - the teacher has much more control. It does have an innovative way to signal to the student to get to class; a piece of music starts playing through speakers all over the school and students should be endeavouring to get to class by the time the music finishes (about five minutes). Way more pleasant!
♥ Instead of 5/6 usual length periods, the school runs three 100-minute classes. Slightly less effort than a double period, it's actually more effective with students. It stops them dicking around in between classes and allows for you to do more intense and interesting exercises with them.
♥ The teachers there have been so nice - I arrived to a fully organised time table with a variety of different teachers, age levels and abilities... I even have to assist with doing lunch duty on our whanau day (Friday). Dorky thing to be excited about, I know!
♥ Whanau groups - sort of like school houses (if you are from overseas and have no idea what I'm talking about... I can't help you) but they permeate even more through the school. Whanau is Maori for family and these whanau groups act as home rooms, senior mentors, core curriculum classes for those students who aren't streamed into higher achieving classes...
♥ Diaries - I swear, these are like little student passports. It's fantastic. They're used for records, for goal setting, for passes out of class and for what they call commendations - showing the qualities that are outlined as befitting a student of the school. This gains them both points for the house and personal letters of achievement in the areas of good character.

Ack there's so much more, but I'd be here all night. Still feel like there's so much to soak in. I really enjoyed my first day and here's to an equally good Day 2. And a professional development meeting of playing beach volleyball.

Rational vs. Irrational Fears

We all have fears - they may not be the "shriek and jump onto a chair when we see a spider/mouse/rat" type and they don't necessarily have to be the debilitating phobias that stop people living a normal life. Some fears are rational - that is, they have a perfectly valid root cause and may stop us from doing something ridiculous and dangerous to our person.

I have a fear of swimming in water in which I can't touch the bottom. As a toddler, I fell in the neighbour's (rather deep) ornamental goldfish pond and one of my earliest memories as a child was standing on the bottom of that pond looking upwards through the water to the light. The fear doesn't stop me getting into the water - I can still swim and have fun and muck around at the beach - but it stops me from putting myself at risk, especially at New Zealand's changeable surf beaches.

Flyboy refused to go on a ride at our local amusement park last year - Cowgirl and I were kind of amused because it's just one of those rise and drop tower rides. "But (Flyboy)" we asked, "how can you be in the Air Force and be scared of heights?". Flyboy replied that it wasn't heights that he was afraid of, it was falling - because if a machine that they are in starts falling out of the sky, someone's cocked up rather dramatically. Fair point, Flyboy, fair point.

What I really want to address today are irrational fears... those fears that really have no history or sense behind them and stop you from doing things that may bring you exceptional joy. The fear of no one speaking to you at a party stops you from attending alone and making friends with an exceptional bunch of new people. I mean, really, how likely is it that the people at this party you're thinking of attending are rude enough to completely neglect someone clearly as fantastic as you are?

I know that I struggle with irrational fears on a daily basis. Breaking them down, I can see how ridiculous they are.

♥ That no matter what I do, I'll always be fat. So what, I defy the laws of human biology now? The energy equation is simple - if energy out is more than energy in, weight will be lost. I just need to get off my plateau and up the ante.

♥ That having had two big loves so far in my life, I've used up my chances. Okay, can anyone drive a truck through the holes in my theory? I have an aunty who has been married three times, friends who are serial monogamists - the world is full of people who have been in love multiple times. There is zero proof that I won't find love again.

♥ That although teaching is my passion, that I will suck at it - not pass this year or gain my registration. I've done holiday programme with adolescents, I know how to cope with unruly kids and it's not like they expect perfection - this is one case where points are truly rewarded for effort.

The thing that all these irrational fears have in common is that if I choose to believe them, they restrict me. They stop me from fulfilling all the potential I have inside of me - to be a healthy body weight, to live out my dreams of being a contented wife and mother, to be that crazy fun teacher I know I can be. I just need to keep reality checking myself and optimistically looking forward to the future.

What irrational fears do you have? How do you keep yourself in line?