Anxiety

They say you can't get away from your problems but I think that I managed to do it, at least for a little while, in Wellington. Maybe the walking all day just left me so physically exhausted that I had no choice but to fall asleep at night... maybe it was the booze LOL. I slept solidly through each night - no longer the case now that we're at home.

At the doctor's yesterday, I had a check-up. I needed a new prescription of my BCP and I asked for some sleeping tablets. It's standard practice at my doctor's clinic to note down what is causing your insomnia (stops abuse and addiction of tablets, I assume) so I actually had to discuss what I'm anxious about. I thought that maybe it was mum's health concerns but what it actually boiled down to was a lack of control  that I have on my future.

It's two and a half weeks until my contract ends and we've made the decision that I won't be working (so that I can spend more time with my family over Christmas - we don't know how many Christmases we have left together) and running the numbers, we definitely can manage for a fair while on SB's income alone. Part of me is very apprehensive about relying on him to "take care" of everything. It's not that I think that he won't but I have been fiercely independent since, well, forever. It's hard for me to be dependent on other people but I'm guessing that's something that I have to learn.

My anxiety also stems from job uncertainty for 2012. I really want the opportunity to have a position with flexible hours and be able to be fulfilled in all areas of my life - that's why I started Bee Of Service. I just didn't expect to be put in the position where that is a serious reality next year. Changes in Ministry of Education funding have seen the bottom fall out of the secondary teaching market and it's entirely possible that I won't have a permanent teaching job next year. Kinda awesome, kinda sucks when we have a wedding to plan and pay for!

I need to get to a place of peace and serenity with my situation, a place where I am lowering these levels of anxiety to a healthy zone.  I need to trust that this situation is this way because it is meant to be, because there are lessons that I am meant to learn from this phase of life. I need to trust that it will work out because it always does. I fear that feeling that way is only going to come with time.

How do you destress and become less anxious, Scribblettes?

Holidays - for action or for rest?

As a teacher, I'm in a fairly unique situation, knowing that once every ten weeks, I get a two week break. The Rugby World Cup has warped the holiday situation this year, but that's another post entirely! While most people have a sarcastic reaction ("Lucky for some", etc), the reality is that teaching is all-consuming during the term time and for the last couple of days of my holidays I will be focusing a large amount of my time prepping for next term. Some teachers spread it out so that they do a little each day but the big, solid, knuckle down time is what works for me.

With two out of the fourteen days gone, that leaves me twelve to spare. End of term has usually been a crunch time for me so there is almost always household chores (or at the moment, wedding things to do) and that takes up a couple of days also, leaving me with around ten days left.

What has intrigued me this holidays is that I've barely had any time to just sit and vegetate. Part of it has come from the surplus of energy I've had, part of it has been from obligation (pet-sitting my parents animals has involved my input with them for at least three or so hours each day) but part of it is that I've just booked myself up with a lot of socialising and a lot of projects... all of which is a choice. Does it defeat the purpose of a holiday or is it an efficient use of time? I'm unsure.

I'm going to take tomorrow a bit more slowly - while today had me rushing round to accomplish a variety of different tasks, tomorrow is just baby-sitting briefly in the morning and then having a delightful lunch with Bronwen... and perhaps going for a wee stroll around the city before heading home. Oh, and trial a new recipe for dinner. And maybe do some vision planning... and label the envelopes if the return address labels arrive. CANNOT HELP MYSELF. There always seems to be cool fun stuff to do and such a limited amount of time to do it in. I think I am scaring myself because this feels like such a new place for me.

What are your thoughts, Scribblettes? Are you the sit back and veg type or the can't sit still type? Am I normal or completely batshit insane? Let me know in the comments while I tootle off and make SB a home-made batch of muesli bars :)

I am a snail...

...or maybe an armadillo. In times of stress I totally turn into a ball of sighing self-absorption. I'm struggling to even come up with the words to write this post. Forgive me as I stumble through this in the hopes of enlightening you about my situation.

I'm very nervous at the moment about my job situation for next year and in a space of limbo that isn't going to be resolved any sooner than the 18th. I missed out on one position (which in the end turned out to be not what was advertised... probably wouldn't have applied had I known) and have been offered a long-term relief position at this stage which doesn't run for the entire year. There is a possibility that this could turn into a longer position. Coupled with the fact that my current school is now making teacher redundant... yikes! I can almost hear the wolves baying as they walk down the path to the door. It's a lot of pressure to put on SB to support me for six weeks at the start of next year before I start earning again. It's not like we're married... I feel like it's not fair to ask him to support me.

I'm on a BC pill for PCOS and it isn't Pharmac funded - the government agency that provides subsidies on certain medications including other varieties of BCP. This type comes with good recommendations from the international PCOS communities. It started out at $72 for 9 weeks which was steep but affordable. For the last year it has been steadily climbing and the last time I went to the chemist 9 weeks of pills cost me $97! Ridiculous... so now I'm stressing about what my alternatives are - $500 plus a year is just excessive.

I know it's important to focus on my blessings - that I have a job until the end of the year, that my health is generally good, that I have a man who loves me... but right now my brain isn't all that keen on listening. Postive employment thoughts would be awesome though!

Moving on up... err sideways?

If you follow me on Twitter, you may recall that I have been job searching. My current job was just a contract to cover maternity leave. As much as my current boss would love to keep me there, at this stage no one is leaving so there are no open positions. The reality is such that I can't afford to wait to see if one becomes available because there is every chance I might find myself unemployed at the start of next year.

I've been applying at multiple schools across the area and in the middle of last week was delighted that I'd been asked to interview for a job I thought I had little chance of getting - the position calls for an English and Social Studies teacher and I had never taught Social Studies before. The school does however have a Christian background and I think my willingness to work with "the special character of the school" was definitely an advantage.

Imagine my surprise on Friday when I was asked to interview at another school - I had applied to this one last year and just missed out on gaining the position so I'm feeling hopeful that this time it will be mine! Can't count chicks before they've hatched and all but I've gone from having no prospects for next year to having two solid ones.

Both schools are vastly smaller than the one I teach at now (over 2000 students to less than 1000 each) so it will be a big change regardless of where I end up. Really excited for this coming week and hopefully have some good news to report by Friday!!

Anything exciting happening with you, Scribblettes?

And into fast forward we go...

You know how I posted about us finding a house? The realisation hit me this morning like a tonne of bricks - move in is a week away!! My poor parents' house is a mess of boxes at the moment as I frantically try and shove things into some semblance of order in the time I have available. I finally feel like I'm getting on top of it though - have kept one book out for reading material this week and all the rest are packed away :) It means that during the nights of next week I will only have the necessities to pack away. Good thing that, as my days are completely choca!

And in other news, I've gone from being underemployed to being a busy little bumble! No, haven't scored a full-time teaching gig but have been taken on by my old high school (as in, the one I attended as a student) as a relief teacher! I taught dance and health classes on Friday and will be covering English classes from Tues-Fri next week. They've been so helpful in getting all my paperwork sorted with the Ministry (that pays all the teachers - the schools don't pay directly) and the kids, while not loving having a relief teacher, are far from the terrors they could be. Most of all, I'm loving being back in the classroom - I had seriously missed it. It does make some of the teachers there laugh that I have a secret life still of selling bras and panties!

I'd love to have a full-time job and everything pan out absolutely normally but it wasn't to be... just shows that trying to achieve your dreams by changing tack can actually work. Scribblettes, has life ever taken an unexpected turn that worked out brilliantly? Have you found different ways to achieve your goals?

Changes, changes...

Andrea asked us what one word summed up our hopes for 2010; I was torn between potential and growth. Some little spark in me knew that 2010 was to be a year of massive changes and this has already been proven in the five days of the new year. For reasons beyond our control, we're not able to stay on in SB's flat so the decision was made two days ago to look for another place we can rent for the time being. Which means we will both be paying rent there. Ergo officially living together!

This could definitely have come at a better time for us. I'm still in the process of gaining a teaching position and we're not going to be a dual-income couple until February. We have only been dating ten months and it's a big commitment to be moving in together. We may be getting a boarder in but it's not confirmed. We only like one house that has been advertised and we know we aren't the only ones who have scheduled a viewing.

Still, God has clearly opened a door and is applying a rather big foot to our rears, pushing us through. I think that our relationship is strong enough to handle this interesting time and that this move will work out to have an even more positive effect on our relationship. Fingers crossed for us Thursday afternoon (so that's around 11am for Perth girls, 3am in London and 1am in Asuncion, Paraguay LOL). Embrace the positive changes, Scribblettes!