Normal?

So... I'm going to try on wedding dresses tomorrow. Squee right? 

So I'm stuck wondering why I'm not feeling so squee.

I wonder whether it's because I'm not yet the size I'd hoped to be when I first went dress shopping. I don't think that anyone should tie their sense of worth (and their beauty as a bride) to a dress size, but I'd hoped to lose all my weight in a year - at 30 kg from my largest, maybe I should have been more realistic. I'm now hoping to be 7 kg lighter than I am now by the time the wedding and at my goal weight by my weight loss anniversary in November, an additional 5 kg.

I'm also wondering whether... well... I don't care so much. I want a pretty dress but I really don't have many of the details set in stone. White or off-white, silhouettes, sashes, one-strap/two-straps/strapless... I don't really mind! I'm thinking that it will probably be chiffon but I'm certainly not tied to it. I've organized the things that really matter to me and maybe I'm just one of those brides that doesn't care that much about the dress.

I see our day out as a really fun outing with mum and French "sister" C - especially seeing we're taking in "high tea" at the Langham. I'm just hoping I feel a little bit more of the magic once I'm in the dresses!

Waiting, waiting, waiting

If you know me IRL, you'd know that patience is something I struggle with. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today? I'm sure I drove SB up the wall while I was waiting for him to propose. I was mentioning to my mum the other day that sometimes I feel like saying "Stuff the wedding, I just want to be married now!". I'm sure I would ultimately regret that decision but it does show my impatience when waiting for exciting things!

I'm trying to foster patience at the moment for a multitude of different things:

• my business logo is currently being designed by Nikki Hassett. As soon as I sent the email I was so excited to see what she could come up with... now I need to be quiet and let her work!
• launching the business - once I've created my corporate identity, all systems are go!
• more sports bras from We Love Colors (free shipping to Australia and New Zealand at the moment) but I need to wait until next payday when it isn't so much of a stretch
• trying on wedding dresses! I set a size goal to get to, I'm going to make myself stick to it!
• my students! They can be a trying bunch, they just don't seem to realise how serious their assessments are this year and it can be so frustrating!

I am aware that when I am "waiting", I'm also avoiding living in the moment. I keep telling myself to focus on what I can do and not what I cannot yet do... or in the case of my students, what is completely outside of my control!

Scribblettes, do you often find yourself waiting? What are you waiting for?

Insides, outsides...

It struck me today, as I was straightening up the bedroom, how much what is going on in my life affects my surroundings. The last week felt very messy - I had my senior students leaving to go on exams, I'm still in the middle of job confusion and worry, my timetable was all warped and I'm feeling quite bloated without a clear reason (TMI?) and by the end of the week the house definitely reflected this sort of flustered muddle that I felt inside.

We were having friends over for dinner on Friday night so I decided I was going to employ the close-the-door method - you all know it, when you take all the mess from the area they are going to see, put it in a bedroom and close the door. The guests were none the wiser, I got to have lovely girl talk with Blondie and the mess, while distributed, still remained.

Today I'm feeling much more serene about things. I've had time to work through the weird timetable of last week and create a plan for the last four weeks of term. I've emailed the school with a less-than-ideal offer to discuss and the possibility of another position has come up from somewhere unexpected. Today is also the first day that I've felt like tackling the mess.

My question is... if I keep everything tidy, will this stop me from feeling so jumbled when life throws me a curveball? Your thoughts, Scribblettes...

High School Mixtape

A lot of my friends have been joining a group on Facebook that you like "when a song reminds you of a person, a place, a memory"... coincidentally, I had just such a moment on the way to watch SATC2 with a friend at the movies last night. One of Ice Cube's songs came on the radio and I was instantly back in 2002, my seventh form (Year 13/last year of school) year, partying underage and grinding up against strangers on the dance floor... such a tease. I thought it would be fun to make a blog mix tape of songs that were important to me in high school - let you guys get to know more about the me of the past.

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris:3rd and 4th form, I was very much a "Top of the Pops" sort of girl. I didn't do a lot of searching for music, just listened to a couple of music shows on TV and followed the general trend.

Eminem - Stan: Started dating FirstLove. His music tastes a little darker, more rock than pop. Around the same time, my first exposure to Linkin Park.

Linkin Park - In the End: FirstLove says he wants this played at his funeral and he plans on dying young and leaving a good-looking corpse. He didn't, but this should have been ringing alarm bells for me that we didn't want the same things out of life LOL.

Public Domain - Bass In The Place: Introduction into the world of house music and techno.

Darude - Sandstorm: Reminds me of movement (dance) routines in drama class, some of my most enjoyable classes in high school.

Train - Drops of Jupiter: First heartbreak. Thought the world would end. It didn't.

Ice Cube - You Can Do It/Eve - Ladies: Drinking underage, partying hearty being single for the first time in my adult life. Learning how to bump and grind. Little bit of a surprise that the radio was playing Ice Cube as a old school throwback song... guess I'm really getting old!

Funny how songs can take you back so quickly to those awkward teenage years. Some songs full of joy, others full of sadness. Would love to hear your stories - what songs take you back?

Different Life Paths...

Ten years ago, our lives would have seemed very similar. Some of us had long-term boyfriends, others played the field and a few of us weren't ready to date yet. We came from different backgrounds, different ethnicities yet spent 6 or so hours at school each day, talked together in classes and all experienced our various forms of teenage angst. While we were all different and unique, so much of our circumstance was identical. We were on the same life path.

Walking through the grocery store with SB, doing our weekly shop, we're in the chilled aisle tossing up what toppings to put on our home-made pizzas. I hear a familiar voice and turn to see a former high-school friend hurtling down the other side of the freezers after two little boys. Through the powers of Facebook, I know that they are her little boys. Somewhere along the track, our paths diverged and she's now the solo mother of two little boys. She looked so frazzled and I like to think that's the reason I didn't approach her. The reality is that confronted with the evidence of how our lives are so different, I honestly don't know what I'd say.

I think it's easier to handle when you stay in touch with people as they transition through life's changes. My dear friend J gets married this weekend and I can safely say I don't think it will change our friendship at all. When close friends have children it definitely changes the dynamic of the friendship, but you handle the change and the friendship continues. It seems that the challenge comes when you re-unite with people you once had so much in common with, only to find that their life is so much different to yours. Many of the girls I played tennis with in high school are now married mothers. That's not something I can identify yet. It seems that our friendship exists on a merely superficial level because we can't vocalise how our life paths have affected and changed the people that we used to know.

It struck me at J's wedding rehearsal yesterday that this is the time where differences are incredibly profound. The wedding party (all mid 20s) comprises of a solo mother, a woman in a long-term relationship (me), a married man and a soon-to-be divorced man. These are the times when everything changes, when we make choices that affect the rest of our lives - to be together or to go it alone, to create new life or just to enjoy each other. There's no right path for everyone and we try and keep the honesty in our friendships with those we are close to.

Any tips for how to restart friendships with old friends when what you have in common is the past?

Well we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto...

Today I survived a tornado.

I wish I was joking.

SB lives in rural South Auckland, in a farmhouse on his parents' horticultural property. Today, being the first day of school holidays, SB left me sleeping as he went off to work. I got up and was just finishing my leisurely breakfast when the rain started bucketing down. I looked out the lounge room window and could see the palm tree in the pool yard flapping like it wanted to take flight.

Crikey.

That's glass on the lawn there... I heard a thump on the side of the house. What the hell? Is it hailing? I looked towards the kitchen window and realised what was probably happening. I screamed and ducked for cover. Panes of glass were flying off the glass house straight at the kitchen window. Huddled into the computer desk, I hear an almighty crash.

And there went the kitchen window... thank goodness for security grilles and net curtains. We curse them all the time but they are what stopped the glass from flinging into the kitchen and across the lounge. It's all open plan.

Then as quickly as it had started, the wind died away. Poor SB's parents have completely lost their crop of tomatoes and have extensive losses and repairs to claim on insurance, including but not limited to a buckled conservatory, windows, glass house panes, gates blown off hinges, fence panels blown off and a massive clean up of glass from the property.

We weren't hit the worst... but for sleepy old rural NZ, it was pretty damn scary. I don't think my blood pressure went back to normal for several hours. So much for a relaxing start to the holidays!

Swimming against the flow...

It's the last week of term. For those of you unfamiliar with the New Zealand schooling system, we have four school terms of around ten weeks each, two week breaks in between each term except for our summer holiday which extends from mid-December until the beginning of February. In three teaching days, school wraps up for the third term and teachers get a holiday... well at least from the actual teaching, not necessarily the paperwork and planning. I'm hearing a lot of murmurs from fellow teachers this week about how they are weary and tired and... I'm not?

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to a break! Don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, I have assignments to get on with, my hair is desperate need of a cut and I try to hide my manky chipped toenail polish from SB when I can. I wonder whether something has clicked for me this week... is it just that I am feeling more well or is it more that I have found my groove? Is it that I have got to the point when I know that I have planned all I can and that what we are going to get through this week relies on the students, not on me. Have I just relaxed about it more, have the kids picked up on that, is that making me a more effective teacher?

Whatever it is, I love the feeling I have right now... more please! Have any of you experienced some unexpected bliss lately? Let me know in the comments!

My deep dark secret...

... is that sometimes I tell little white lies.

I usually pride myself on being a pretty honest person. I also pride myself on being a pretty nice person. Sometimes those just do not meet. It may be an outfit that my sister is wearing that I think gives her muffin top, it may be an event that I am just too exhausted to attend. The truth is often just a little harsh to escape my mouth (that top makes your perfect figure look chubby round the middle, I considered something more important than staying refreshed for your event) so... I lie sometimes.

The lie can be by omission (the truth but not the whole truth) and sometimes it can be a fabrication but the lie usually contains an essence of truth. "I think it would be better without the belt, with the shoes it's just too matchy" sounds nicer than "that belt really emphasises your roll" and illness can work as a cover for fatigue. I feel bad about those lies, but not too bad. Sometimes it really is better to lie than to hurt feelings.

When I feel really awful is when it is an out-and-out porker, a lie purely to save my own skin. It happens very rarely, and would never happen with someone I loved, but it does happen. Like today for example... ahem. Ten minutes before my shift started, I rang work to say that I had been suffering car troubles but that I would be on my way. Yeah, the trouble would be that I had been woken up from an unplanned nap by a frantic mother about twelve minutes before shift started... ooops.

So tell me Scribblettes, are there any occasions in which you think it's okay to lie? What's the biggest whopper you've ever told?

Resuming your regularly scheduled programme...

With practicum out of the way, I'm hoping that things can get back to normal. It's a common blogger challenge, walking that fine line in between sharing about your life and actually living it. Living it this past weekend involved bed until noon and curling up on the couch watching movies but that's all an important part of life and touching base with PianoMan after a week apart.
On the other hand, it's important to me to maintain my online presence - this blog provides me with an outlet to share about both my life and my literary knowledge and I've made great friends through this community. I'm so much more calm and comfortable having a place where I can share without judgement - that opportunity not often available in real life.
In the end it's all about balance and that's what I need to look at. Do you like the regular features or would it be more preferable to just have my "life stories"? As much is a blog is a reflection of the reader, it should also reflect the needs and requirements of the audience. Feed back to me in the comments!

I want...

I want... more time to work on assignments. I have an assignment due at the end of next week and then two the week after. On days like today, I feel too mentally exhausted to spend a lot of time working on them but I can't wait until I finish practicum to start all three.

I want... to stay longer at my practice school. I'm really going to miss it when I'm gone. Even the little ratbag kids. It's all grown on me immensely.

I want... the sneaker fairy to leave me a new pair of Puma L.I.F.Ts, size 10. I've been reading reviews of these on the net and they seem fantastic... but I need to buy myself some new specs first.

I want... more time to spend with PianoMan. Time apart allows us to miss each other (which I guess is a good thing) but sometimes I feel like academia is getting in the way of my life... not getting to see friends as much either.

I want... to win Big Wednesday. $20 million dollars? Yes please :D Even a share in that would be lovely.

I want... to lose 5 kgs in the next month. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to do this (starving myself not an option = low blood sugar faints and no will power) but it will happen.

I want... regardless of what is going on (the things I can change, the things I can't) to maintain a feeling of peace and happiness always.

An extra-little tidbit...

... just so you think I don't fly through life as gently as a cloud.

I'm at work today on a Sunday (which I loathe). I woke up this morning and didn't get a chance to lie in (even though I finished work at quarter past midnight this morning). I left my purse at PianoMan's and had to look guiltily at the offerings basket as it went by. The couple whose little boy I had brought a birthday present for had to leave church early and I was racing round trying to find someone who was going to the party this afternoon (which I can't go to because I'm working...).I had to cross fingers toes and eyeballs that I would get back to PianoMan's to pick up my wallet without running out of petrol. I have about 40 minutes at home before having to leave for work in which I start feeling really tired. I get to work and the day is busy - phonecalls, people arriving in the office. One of the people is an old man that reeks of whisky and tries to cop a feel while telling me I must be lonely - cornering me on the opposite side of the room from the panic buttons. I manage to fob him off and then proceed to break up a party because their hire time is over. I get to break up another party in two and a half hours and in the intermediate time I have to lug out multiple items of heavy furniture to redecorate the foyer... alone. Home to do the assignment that is continually stuck in my craw and then sleep.

There may have to be a stop for flavoured soy milk and dark chocolate on the way home... that plus texts from the boy may keep this day a sparkly one.

Putting up with it...

As some of you who follow me on Twitter may know, this week I both worked at my practice school and at my evening job two evenings of this week - this meant I left home at 8am in the morning and got home at half past nine at night. I was over it by ohhh, about two hours into my evening shift on Monday :D

Texting PianoMan, I said I felt really over my job that night and that I wasn't really sure why - usually I love my evening job. He replied that part of it was probably that I'd already worked an entire day and that I was just out of concentration... and I think that's probably true. Teaching is a mentally taxing job. It also freaks me out, just a little, that I have twelve weeks (spread out throughout the rest of the year) of prac and work to go. I also wondered whether part of it is that I've really loved my time at my practice school - the experience has been a real confirmation that I made the right decision to go back to study, that teaching is what I'm meant to be doing with my life. Now a job that doesn't give me the same buzz doesn't quite measure up. I don't intend on giving up this job until January 2010 so I'm hoping I get that loving feeling back.

What it really all boils down to is putting up with it. I'm a firm believer that you can get through almost anything if you know that it is for a finite time. I know that there's only twelve more weeks of the year in which I need to teach and work evenings (and I may take two of those weeks off if I can find cover) and I know that there's only eight more months of work before I'm a beginning teacher (a thought that both excites and terrifies me LOL). There are people I know that are putting up with living oceans away from their partners, that are putting up with living spaces they don't love, that are putting up with all sorts of situations that don't gel with that image they have for their life. It's a heck of a lot easier to put up with it when you know that it's only for a limited amount of time. It's the uncertainty that's harder...

So shoot it back to me, Scribblettes... on this holiday weekend, are there things that you are "putting up with"? Or is uncertainty about the future killing your regular buzz?

A bit of a bitzer...

Several different things floating round in my head today, so it's time for another one of my mongrel articles!

♥ It's Waitangi Day in New Zealand. Supposedly our national holiday - like July 4th for Americans, July 14th for the French - it appears that it's not a Waitangi day without someone attacking our politicians as they walk onto the lower marae at the treaty grounds. Yes, the Europeans came over and totally dicked the maoris in terms of taking sovereignty over the land (as they have done almost everywhere in the world) but governments for as long as I've been alive have been working to make reparations in apology - what more do you want? And at the risk of sounding blase about the whole thing - it was over 150 years ago, let it go a bit mate.

♥ I seem to have given myself a neck injury while suffering from food poisoning in this past week. It clearly hasn't been a stellar week in Scribbles world, at least health wise. Today I'm grateful for a family that pulled together to ensure I was up enough to go out to this hen's night last night. Dad gave me a shoulder rub, Mum put together a party mix of her painkillers (I'm fully aware of how bad that sounds, but I was in that much pain) to take and I just sat there as Middle Sister did my hair and make up and made me look a little less like a scruffy zombie. Living at home sure does have some benefits sometimes.

♥ Two of my friends are getting married tomorrow... and I'm not entirely sure that it has sunk in. I was friends with both of them separately, prior to them being together and now three years down the track from that fateful new years eve they're getting married. I'm so happy for them but in the same moment I'm feeling a little sad - and not sure why. I think it's that with them getting married, I know I'm definitely superfluous to their relationship and that they'll be closer with each other than either of them ever have been or will be with me. It's the nature of the world, I know, and some day it will be me... looking back across the married divide at my single friends knowing that there are things that they will never understand until they are in my shoes.

♥ For those kiwis who are playing along at home, "Guess the identity of Scribbles" will become astonishingly easy (lol it's not like I've been trying that hard to hide it). Mum's article about her fight with inflammatory breast cancer will be in the Woman's Weekly later this month and they want a family photo. The idea is to take it tomorrow at the wedding when we're all glammed up but I'm not sure I want to stand out from the rest of them in a bridesmaid dress. Guess you'll have to buy the issue to see what solution I come up with :D

That's enough of my mutterings for today I think... see you Sunday afternoon for another fab read.

Marmoset there'll be days like this!

LOL this shook me out of my mood this morning... fantastic!

Gasp! VLogging! (Motion Sickness Alert)

So... I was walking by myself this afternoon, in a quiet native forest and what did I decide to do? Crack out the camera and start talking to you guys - that's what! Warning for those with weak constitutions: I appear to have a very bouncy walk


So there you have it... You wanna see more? You think I need a tripod? Let me hear it in the comments :D

And exhale...

Photo Credit

Well, 2009 is well and truly started and we are almost 16 hours into the new year here in kiwi-land! The downside to "living in the future" is that while you guys are probably out partying into the wee hours still, I'm chilling in my room feeling horrendously tired from the night's previous festivities. Far too much fun had last night! I'm off to have a shower (yes, I've been blobbing out like a filthy little hobo) and make myself look in some semblance of health and wellbeing for a birthday party tonight - stay tuned for massive NYE recap tomorrow!

2008... a retrospective.

2008 has certainly been one heck of a rollercoaster ride... gasping heights, screaming lows... times where I just gripped onto that metal bar for dear life. Here's a completely honest recap of my year - Scribbles uncensored, if you will.

January-March:

The start of the year saw me leave full-time employment to take the leap into the tertiary education path that will see me fulfilling my passions in 2010. I was still recovering from the blindsider that was Ex-S and I breaking up. I got totalled at a friend's engagement party after seeing my "replacement" for the first time and being felt up by the future groom. I freaked out about what I had done with my life, starting to doubt whether I should have left a fulltime job to be a poor student. I lost about six kgs, purely from not eating (not recommended). I got to a point that I realised I was going through the floor and I started seeing a therapist - I'm grateful that I have parents that brought me up to feel that there is no shame in doing this. I turned 23 and did absolutely nothing to celebrate it.

April - June:

I moved back in with my parents for the first time in five years. I had a rebound relationship, which true to form ended badly. I learnt to stop looking for men to make me whole. I knuckled down with my study and realised that I had possibly made the best decision in my life returning to study. I got annoyed with myself because I still wasn't over what had happened with Ex-S. I worked on building up my friendships outside of the insular group of couples I hung out with in 2007. I started this blog (possibly another one of the best decisions I ever made!). I began my new job at the Arts Centre and soon realised how much I loved it compared to my old job! I started dating again.

July - September:

I went on my first proper holiday in years to Christchurch. I had a session with my cousins, who then proceeded to tell their parents about it *cringe* in the middle of a Thai restaurant *cringe* after which my aunty started complaining that her children never ask her to get stoned with them*oh Lord help me shrink into my chair and die*. My mum got diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. I joined a church (and yes, those things are totally as related as they seem) and made a whole bunch of new friends. I made net friends with the most gorgeous girls I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. God (or the universe, whichever you believe) sent in the largest influx of positive people in my life I think I've ever had. I totally laxed out on my university studies yet still seemed to get passing grades. I spent more time with family, things hitting home that time is precious and life is too short. I lost some friends that didn't understand that.

October - December:

I completed my GradDipArts. I got a new look for the Scribbles website. I joined Lady Bloggers of Australasia and made even more fantastic friends! I grew closer to some unexpected friends who help me on my path to awesomeness. I kissed a boy I shouldn't have but find it difficult to regret it. I took a dating hiatus and spent December just laxing out, taking time for my life and myself without the pressure of "looking". I enrolled in my papers for 2009 and started making solid '09 plans. I stopped caring what other people think - summed up in the song by 3LW "Playas Gon' Play"

Playas, they gonna play

And haters, they gonna hate

Ballers, they gonna ball

Shot callers, they gonna call

That ain't got nothin' to do

With me and you

That's the way it is

That's the way it is

If you're gonna be a hater... see ya later. I don't want to waste my time and precious energy on you. I went on a couple of delicious mini-breaks and got to see more of this beautiful country that I live in. I came to terms with the fact that I am not at a place where "Little Me" always thought I would be, and I'm okay with that.

So there is my 2008 in a nutshell (Ahhh help me, I'm stuck in a nutshell!) - the good, the bad and the extraordinarily ugly. Here's to 2009 and all that it brings!

Skinnydipping!

Photo Credit

I came across one of those survey meme things whilst reading my favourite blogs and one question asked whether you had ever skinny-dipped. I thought no, then remembered an evening in a spa (many years ago now - with FirstLove) where things had got declothed... but it didn't really seem to be skinnydipping to me. Skinnydipping with a lover almost seems to be a form of foreplay ;)
Whilst looking for a suitable pic to illustrate this article (and believe me, what an interesting search LOL) I thought about skinnydipping meant to me. This photograph pretty much epitomises it to me. Skinnydipping is about communing with nature in your most natural form and enjoying the world around you. It doesn't have to be sexual, it just needs to have no barriers between you and enjoying the world around you. When I finally skinnydip (and believe me, I'm amazed I'm almost 24 and I haven't yet) it will be somewhere beautiful and serene where I can just frolic in the beauty around me :)

What does skinnydipping mean to you? Share your skinnydipping stories if you dare :D

Like burning paper, you can't get it back...

We had a contemplation service at church on Sunday night and the proceedings were so beautiful that I thought that I should share it with you. You wouldn't have to be Christian or even particularly spiritual to experience this... it was just a really amazing time to both reflect and look forward.

The room was set up in several stations, lit really dimly so that you could just see the pictures that hung on the walls and though other people were in the room, you felt like you were relatively alone. Along one wall were pictures of nature, space and other natural wonders, inviting you at Christmas to realise how beautiful this world we live in is - from the majestic splendour of a nebula to the perfectly formed sphere of dew on a bright green leaf.

At the next station, a board lit up with a blacklight asked you in fluoro text about what would you do if you heard the call? In a Christian context, this would be the call of God in your heart but it's not just a Christian thing. We all know the call you feel when you know you have the ability to make change in someone's life, even in just a really small way. Over the Christmas period and in 2009, will you answer that call and make the difference?

The part that helped me the most was getting to the station of candles. Here each person was invited to take a piece of paper and pen and write down all the sadness and disappointment that they had felt in 2008.

And then we set fire to them.

Bet you weren't expecting that (my church is awesome!). In a Christian context, it represented giving all your problems and worries over to God. In a non-religious context, it can be looked at as getting everything out of your system and releasing it into the universe. Like paper burning into smoke and ash, you can't get those disappointments back. They're gone - it's time to start afresh.

Whether you are religious, spiritual or a devout believer that this life is all there is, spend some time before the new year starts getting out all your disappointments out of your system. Find a quiet space to meditate on releasing them and then burn those burdens and cares away. I came home feeling much lighter for having released all my junk and I hope you will too!

I work in a place of many treasures... (for Annie's drooling pleasure)

This is just one of the many magnificent cabinets at my place of work... see, Annie Spandex? Told you LOL. My favourite has to be the butterfly vintage piece, but my IRL friends will not be surprised by that - I like butterflies so much that I have one tattooed on me! Anyway, I'll leave the text short and sweet on this one so that you guys can spend your time oggling my goodies... wait, that sounded dirty. Watevs :D