A follow up to the Anxiety post

Saw this the other day and it did make this frazzled girl smile... although I've done a remarkable job of remaining zen at work while wanting to karate kick people across a room!

What can you change?

If you follow me on Twitter you will have seen that yesterday I was in a pretty emo mood. I don't want to go into a lot of detail on here but I felt like some people who should know better are treating me in a pretty shitty manner. I guess the operative phrase here is "should know better" - I expect a certain amount of crap from my students because they are snotty teenagers. When it comes to adults, I expect better.

Why do I expect better? I was brought up in a household that encouraged me to do what ever I did to the best of my ability. I work hard to be a good daughter (stop laughing Mum, you know I try), a good girlfriend, a good teacher and a good friend. In the last two fields I'm feeling some push back from a selected few people... that the way they are treating me shows they feel that I am not a good teacher or a good friend.

While wallowing in my misery last night (as SB did my chores, bless him) I asked myself "Why am I so hurt by this?". If I got down to the basics it was because I felt like I busted my ass for these colleagues and these friends and I felt like there was no appreciation, nay, no recognition of me going above and beyond the "call of duty". It's almost like that relationship saying "Don't make someone your priority if you are only their option".

This morning I dealt with the second hard question "What can YOU change?". I can't change my colleague's perception of me. I can't change the friends who seem to be doing a piss poor job of actually being my friend. I can change:

1. my perception of my current situation - I am spending TOO much time thinking about those people who are impacting me negatively
2. my response to those negative people - instead of swallowing my colleague's comments, I can actually stand up to them. Just because you have been teaching for 15 years doesn't make you a better teacher
3. my martyr attitude - I know that these friends are not going to be the ones to support me when I need it... why do I keep putting myself on the line for them? Stop it, Scribs! Stop being such a damn doormat.

I already feel like such a weight has been lifted off my chest... don't focus on the things you can't change, Scribblettes. Instead, think "What can you change?"

I am a snail...

...or maybe an armadillo. In times of stress I totally turn into a ball of sighing self-absorption. I'm struggling to even come up with the words to write this post. Forgive me as I stumble through this in the hopes of enlightening you about my situation.

I'm very nervous at the moment about my job situation for next year and in a space of limbo that isn't going to be resolved any sooner than the 18th. I missed out on one position (which in the end turned out to be not what was advertised... probably wouldn't have applied had I known) and have been offered a long-term relief position at this stage which doesn't run for the entire year. There is a possibility that this could turn into a longer position. Coupled with the fact that my current school is now making teacher redundant... yikes! I can almost hear the wolves baying as they walk down the path to the door. It's a lot of pressure to put on SB to support me for six weeks at the start of next year before I start earning again. It's not like we're married... I feel like it's not fair to ask him to support me.

I'm on a BC pill for PCOS and it isn't Pharmac funded - the government agency that provides subsidies on certain medications including other varieties of BCP. This type comes with good recommendations from the international PCOS communities. It started out at $72 for 9 weeks which was steep but affordable. For the last year it has been steadily climbing and the last time I went to the chemist 9 weeks of pills cost me $97! Ridiculous... so now I'm stressing about what my alternatives are - $500 plus a year is just excessive.

I know it's important to focus on my blessings - that I have a job until the end of the year, that my health is generally good, that I have a man who loves me... but right now my brain isn't all that keen on listening. Postive employment thoughts would be awesome though!

It can only go up from here..

Sometimes the only good thing you can say about a week is that it is over...

In the past week:

• Our Playstation 3 died (and Sony wants $300 to fix it)
• Our fridge died (so we have the fridge from the spare house on SB's parents' property)
• SB was rear-ended by some douche with bald tires and no warrant of fitness (and the police don't care, so now we're waiting on insurance)
• My car has now decided that it feels like having a seizure as I'm driving along (so needs to be booked into the mechanics)
• Organised a games night and had a ton of people flake at the last minute, leaving us with an excess of food

Ok, so maybe not the world's worst week, but still a pretty crappy one. I'd like to say that we still had our health but SB has been sniffly all day and I'm still super-run down from being sick and not taking enough time off. After reading some articles today on how to keep relationships solid I decided to perk us both up by planning a surprise date. We had Moroccan for dinner and watched Boy at the movies. Made us both crack up - being kiwi kids in the eighties was a somewhat universal experience and we both know families like this one. Definitely a good pick!

Waiting... on my world to change...

I always find that my writing frequency decreases when I am in a bad mood. I guess that it is that I don't want to come across to the internet as a big whiney baby. "There's always someone worse off than you" keeps running through my head at an alarming rate. The fact that I was wanting to chew off my fist out of sheer frustration this afternoon begs to differ. So I give you the option now of stopping reading this purely self-indulgent pity party of a post if you want... now.

If I may take the soap box for a second...

Flying in the face of all those self-help books that advise that you live each moment as if it were your last, live for today, be in the moment... let me add my own somewhat contradictory advice.

Plan for the future today

Finding the best fit for today is not always a smart idea.

Talking to my associate about my disappointment in my job rejection, she advised me that it was likely that particular school did not currently want to spend the time required to train a new teacher (we are legally required to have more time during the school day without our students). If new teachers are not able to find positions, it is likely that more young teachers will simply choose to leave the profession and search for other jobs. Ten years from now, you have no teachers of our generation to fill the ranks of experiences as other seasoned teaches retire or take sabbaticals.

If you focus too much on fulfilling all your wants and whims right now, what are you missing out on in the future? Do we truly contemplate the "opportunity cost" of the decisions we make everyday? Let me know in the comments.

The murky depths...

First of all, as an aside, apologies for the lack of blog love lately. I'm only able to access the blog at school, at work or jumping on someone else's computer - none of which is conducive to actually getting any quality time to write blog posts. I will be buying a new laptop this weekend so posts should get back to a semi-regular schedule!

Many, many thoughts running through my head this week... let these hit you or dodge them as you will.

• Being judged gets tiring - on placement at the moment, I'm getting observation feedback after many of the classes I teach. To put this in perspective, think about your job and getting a performance appraisal two to three times a day. I respect the feedback but sometimes it just makes you wonder how fit you are to be a teacher when you still manage to get so many things not-quite-right.
• I am exhausted. I have had a cold pretty much since I started my placement and for the most part I have just kept on chugging. I cannot wait until I am like a normal person: work-life balance is chaotic when it is work-placement-uni-life balance... and this leaves Scribbles feeling unbalanced.
• The silver lining (well, it's more like gold lining, it's fantastic) of course is the lovely relaxing times I spend with SB. We went away to Rotorua recently to celebrate six months of being together - I never get sick of that boy. I don't get to see him tonight because I am working and I miss him. And he misses me! You know that you have something special when just being in the same place is better because the other person is there.
• My visiting lecturer is ticking me off - he won't reply to give me a time that he is going to visit. It's driving me slightly mental.
• Amazing - eating pineapple stops running noses... one of those crazy but true things that has stopped me plowing through my purse packs of tissues at a crazy rate.
• I'm looking forward to spoiling myself in the holidays - pedicure, hair cut and generally gadding about with a tonne of extra time... doing lunch with the boy and absorbing myself in some big beefy books.
• I now need to crack onto some planning for lessons tomorrow so I must bid adieu... but let me know how your weeks are going!
  

Money Money Money...

... must be funny, in a rich man's world.

I am a compulsive planner, as some of you may know (it's not exactly a secret :D) and I struggle when I come up against a wall where I can plan no further. Having looked up the ERO reports for all the high schools in the error, selected which schools I am keen to work with and having prepared CVs and subscriptions to job sites... it's now just a waiting game until those jobs become advertised. I can't stress about my registration yet - we can't apply for it until November - so my mind has turned even further ahead.

My student allowance runs out at the middle of November, leaving me to subsist purely on my work wages (which, btw, is not a lot). My work contract expires just prior to Christmas. I'm not likely to get paid from whatever teaching job I find until the second week of February. I had a mild-to-moderate panic about this last night... at least a month (and probably closer to two) with no income at all.

SB is being lovely and volunteering to help me with my bills. My parents will help out too. But part of me feels pathetic that at 24, I can't do this alone. Saving to cover the period I have off is a nice idea in theory, but I don't have enough left over at the end of the week at the moment to make a significant difference. I'd like to find a secondary job, but I need to know my end dates (i.e. when I start teaching) before I accept any work.

What it boils down to is that I need to find a teaching job for next year and then work backwards, hopefully finding some employment that can work in with that. I need to suck things up and accept the help of my parents, telling myself that this will be the last time I ever need their assistance. I need to appreciate SB's offer and let him help where he can. Most of all, I just need to focus on the here and now... let the other pieces fall into place as it comes.

Still, if anyone knows of any summer jobs...

When it all gets too much...

I turn into a really snarky bitch. Pretty blunt, I know, but it's the truth. If I am stressed out, uptight and generally wound tighter than a pair of hand-washed smalls, I am not a nice person.

Take now for example. I've had the flu for almost a week. I've had constant headaches and general body aches during that time. Being off uni has been more stressful than you could imagine because it is my first week back and right now I have no real idea of what is going on and what I need to know. I haven't had a chance to see SB until tonight (doctor asked me to voluntarily quarantine myself) so we've been conducting a phone/email/text love affair and that isn't fantastic.

Mum made a mistake today, it wasn't huge but it stressed me out even more. And Ka-Boom! The bitch came out to play. I hate it when that happens. It destroys my illusion that on the whole I am a nice person. Yet I don't know how to change that default reaction.

How do you react when it all gets too much? Does it make you think less of yourself? Tell me in the comments...

An extra-little tidbit...

... just so you think I don't fly through life as gently as a cloud.

I'm at work today on a Sunday (which I loathe). I woke up this morning and didn't get a chance to lie in (even though I finished work at quarter past midnight this morning). I left my purse at PianoMan's and had to look guiltily at the offerings basket as it went by. The couple whose little boy I had brought a birthday present for had to leave church early and I was racing round trying to find someone who was going to the party this afternoon (which I can't go to because I'm working...).I had to cross fingers toes and eyeballs that I would get back to PianoMan's to pick up my wallet without running out of petrol. I have about 40 minutes at home before having to leave for work in which I start feeling really tired. I get to work and the day is busy - phonecalls, people arriving in the office. One of the people is an old man that reeks of whisky and tries to cop a feel while telling me I must be lonely - cornering me on the opposite side of the room from the panic buttons. I manage to fob him off and then proceed to break up a party because their hire time is over. I get to break up another party in two and a half hours and in the intermediate time I have to lug out multiple items of heavy furniture to redecorate the foyer... alone. Home to do the assignment that is continually stuck in my craw and then sleep.

There may have to be a stop for flavoured soy milk and dark chocolate on the way home... that plus texts from the boy may keep this day a sparkly one.

All this wasn't enough...

What you see in the photo were the wound dressings that we had for changing mum's incision and radiation burn coverings. That's our dining room table covered with them (we've just been eating in the lounge). Yet it wasn't enough... mum is back in hospital for the fifth time because of this stupid infection. I'm at the end of my tether and wanting to kick some serious hospital ass. How's she meant to focus on beating her cancer with this recurring bullsh*t?
This isn't my usual perky or philosophical or deep post - I'm sick of this crap and it's overwhelming the way I feel tonight. Is there anything that is pissing you off? Who's or what ass are you wanting to kick tonight?

Taking care of yourself first...

I'm a good person, I care for others... I have no doubt that most of you readers are like myself and always want to try your hardest and do your best to please other people. It seems to be in my blood to want to help others - I do that in my role as a frontline receptionist and it's a big reason as to why I am becoming a teacher. It plays a part in my christian faith as well, I want what I do in this life to matter... I want to make positive differences in people's lives while I can.

The problem is when this gets out of hand. I'm a sucker for a plea and a large pair of puppy dog eyes. I overcommit myself and I'd never cancel out on something I had promised to do without feeling overwhelming pangs of guilt. I almost rostered myself on my birthday weekend at work! An old school friend is getting married in our gardens... we're not that close, I'm not invited to her wedding or anything, but she came in this morning to pay her deposit for her wedding at the end of this month. She asked if I was working that weekend, because that would be fantastic if I was. Wistfully implying it would be fantastic if they could deal with me rather than someone that they don't know. I could hear the words coming out of my mouth "Well, I can see if I can..." HALT mouth HALT. I said, with a huge amount of effort "...actually I can't work that day. I have uni the following Monday and I'll have a lot to get organised." Not to mention that it is my birthday weekend... what prevents me from just saying "No" with a regretful shake of the head?

I put aside time to work, yet feel guilty when I can't work late/work a shift that the boss can't find cover for. I put aside time for study, yet feel guilty when I'm out on the town knowing that my assignment still needs to be completed. I hate hate hate when I have to choose between church stuff and friends stuff because both are equally important to me. I perpetually feel like I'm failing someone - at the moment, my church/work/social lives are so hectic that I really feel like I'm letting down my parents at the home front.

I choose this day, this moment to confess my feelings and to make a vow to stop feeling so bad, to stop being so apologetic if I can't do something. I'm challenging myself to say no if it really is inconvenient to me. Are you stuck in the same cycle when maybe you aren't being selfish enough? Let me know in the comments and make the pledge!

Enough hours in a day...

Sitting at the head table at the wedding this weekend, the best man turned to me and said "Well, as fun as this has been, it's completely ruined my plans for the long weekend". We both laughed, because as much as we wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else, the wedding rehearsal, preparation and the wedding itself took up a day and a half of the three day weekend. I joked that BestMan would have to make sure that when he got married it was on a long weekend in revenge - Labour Weekend, Easter.

The conversation that we had is symptomatic of a larger challenge that seems to face people today. Suddenly it's fashionable to be run off your feet. I'm guilty of it too - it seems that tonight is the only night this week that I don't have something booked in to do in the evenings and I'm wondering where I'm going to squeeze in my planned girls night out at Na Na Thai with PCock after she gets back tomorrow night. I plan on working as much as I can this year, yet hope to pass my teaching diploma with flying colours. I felt terrible when I couldn't go to a party of a friend's even though I was holidaying in a different island to that of the party locale.

Being busy, for me, used to be a protection thing. After Ex-S and I split, being continually on the go was a way to forget, to get on with life. If I didn't have time to stop, time to think, time to be alone, I was okay. Now it just seems to be a way of life. I can't say no - this is what lead me to work two part-shifts last week when I was incredibly ill with food poisoning. It's still a struggle for me to cancel on someone if I'm not feeling well. Yet I'm perpetually wishing that I had more hours in a day to get things done. Do I clean my room or read the novel that I want to use in my Sunday Afternoon Reads review? Fold the laundry or cook the dinner? The event that has my wheels spinning the most at the moment is my mid-year trip to Sydney.

Why you ask? I'm travelling there on my end of semester break, which limits my travel to the first three weeks of July. In these three weeks, birthdays of three people who are very important to me occur. PCock's birthday is on the 5th, and last year I missed her birthday with my Christchurch holiday. Both Blondie and Gothika celebrate their birthdays on the 12th and I thought I had it all sorted... In NZ for PCock's birthday then fly to Sydney and be there for Gothika's birthday, meaning that I'm only missing Blondie's. Then Gothika announces there's every likelihood that she'll be in NZ for her birthday - and the stack of cards falls down.

I use my gCal and my faithful Kikki.K day planner to meticulously plan out my days and to try and appease everyone... I think that I need to start planning to please myself. Are any of you stuck in a whirlwind of pleasing others and wishing that there were more hours in a day? Let me know in the comments below.

Christmas Eve

If you've been following my twitter stream you'll be aware that things haven't been going exactly as I'd planned running up to Christmas. My mum got unexpectedly admitted to hospital yesterday with an infection (damn chemo and none of those helpful neutrophils) so I've been really busy with Christmas prep with intermittent breaks of gloom that my mum isn't home tonight - we've managed to wangle her a day pass home in between IV drips tomorrow so at least she'll be home for lunch.
Thank you to those who have sent your sparkly vibes or prayers, I've really appreciated it at a time that I know people don't have a lot of extra energy to spare. It's been nice to come back to my computer when I feel like Mr. Pussycat in picture above and read your kind thoughts and comments. Hugs to the lot of you - while I've lost my Christmas spirit somewhat this year, you've kept me from turning into the grinch.
I hope you all have a marvellous Christmas Day tomorrow - I'll be drawing my book giveaway tomorrow night NZ time at around 9 pm so that gives you 24 hours still to enter. Click this link to get through, and leave a comment. Enjoy your time with your families (I know I'll be treasuring the three or so hours I get with my mum) and I'll see you out the other side!

Pets and Peeves

Pet: The cafe that I went to for lunch today and the gorgeous people who entertained me and listened to me moan for an hour.

Peeve: The overwhelming "tireds" I am feeling today making me a bit nauseous and not that hungry. The carrot cake muffin I had was delicious, but I would have like to have tried one of their meals

Pet: The gorgeous sunset I can view out the windows at work.

Peeve: That I am at work, I am usually okay with this but am so tired (see above) and all I want to be doing is lying in bed sleeping right now.

Pet: Getting emails that I've been waiting for.

Peeve: Not being able to do anything with those emails because the websites that I need to action are blocked on the work computer.

Aside: Why block universally anyway? As long as I meet deadlines and do everything I am asked, what is the issue? My position is one in which a large percentage of my job is just being on site, rather than active work. Ah well, at least they haven't banned Blogger and Twitter yet.

Pet: Lunch out with a friend tomorrow, a couple of errands paying off things I have purchased and going to a show tomorrow night with free tickets.

Peeve: Having spent money on plane tickets to Christchurch for end of Jan and on trying to finish off my Christmas shopping, I am SO poor. Not on the bones of my ass or anything, but my bank accounts look considerably less healthy. Going to have to tighten my belt over Dec, when I only have part-time income and no student living costs.

Pet: Going to Christchurch at the end of Jan - my cousin and friend down there are already in the process of planning a fantabulous weekend for me. If you are a reader from ChCh and you'd like to meet up, let me know - that would be wonderful.

Peeve: Crud, I just had a thought - my car registration might be expired. *Runs outside work to take a look. Crud, it is!* I have been driving around for almost a week with an invalid rego. Add to list of things to do tomorrow.

Pet: Being asked to take a dance class if it works in with my uni and normal work shifts next year - heck yes! How fun!

Peeve: Uni not being over yet - still have one exam on Sunday but it is so long since we had classes that it is really hard to get into the studying habit.

Pet: All you wonderful people who read and comment on my blog - it makes me feel extra special gooey loved!

Peeve: Not being able to get Google Analytics running on this site (I am a techno-spaz) - I want to know about you shy guys out there that don't comment as well!

Ridiculous...

We left the bar rather early tonight - the atmosphere was pretty lame - and decided to go on a wee drive around before coming home... PCock had only had one drink. We got stopped by four separate booze check points on the way and she was just as sober at the last one as the first. You've got to wonder whether there are domestics or burglaries going unnoticed when three district police forces all seem to be concentrated in such a tiny area.

Scandal...

I'm actually typing this while IN a tutorial... I already know how to search the university databases (if I'd been studying for four years total and didn't know how, that would be the real scandal) so I've just been using the time to catch up with my e-correspondence while being noted for attendance LOL.
Was so annoyed... cruising my friends' pages on a social networking site this morning and came across this diatribe on one of my "friend"s pages about how her and another friend Gothica's boyfriend (who dislikes me anyway, but that's a whole 'nother blog post) were going to create an "I hate (Scribbles - well, my actual name) website" because I like to harp on incessantly about my boring life amongst a million other supposed faults I have. Since I haven't spoken to Supposed Friend since she made a very rude comment on said page about two other friends and haven't talked to Gothica's Psycho Boyfriend since he and Gothica moved to Australia TWO YEARS AGO, this is crazy... neither of these two even know about my mum or anything that has been going on in my life lately. I was so annoyed and basically called her on her page on all the passive aggressive bull shit that she's been carrying on lately... so stooping to her level but it felt so good. She should have either had the courage to say something to my face or it should have been a conversation that they conducted in private. The way I reacted was a bit "high school" but it was a bit "high school" in the first place. Who would guess that we're all 23? Well, Bert is only 22 but she's the only one of us who hasn't yet been offensively insulted by Supposed Friend.
On the brighter side, my friends Farmgirl and Farmboy had their first baby last night... I just get into a big puddle of mush when I think about it . Their lives are going to be completely changed forever, but in a totally awesome way.

Just goes to show there's always a shiny side to the coin :)