2011 in Review

Borrowed this from the lovely Leah... it is great to do just for some personal reflection!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? 

Start planning a wedding, create a joint account with someone, Christmas shopping for the in-laws as well as my own family, go to the trots (and see a friend's dad take out the evening!), celebrate Christmas with my french "sister" C, understood rugby, modelled in a photo shoot... I'm sure there's plenty more but that's what comes to mind!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

I did well with most of my goals - 

• I lost weight - not as much as I had wanted (about 12 kg this year)
• I was more active
• I am a far more organised, decluttered person
• I moisturised more (I'm definitely a lot more vain than I used to be)
• I read (to date) almost 90 books - won't make 100, but better than the 50 I thought was possible.
• I got out of debt
• I did NOT keep clothing purchases under $60, despite my best efforts!
• I did make more and we have had many more home cooked meals this year than in previous years.

For next year I plan on making intentions rather than goals - the things I am aiming for are not necessarily as measurable as those I aimed for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

Yes, my bestie! Little J is just the cutest little guy and when I cuddle him it makes my ovaries explode - clucky much?

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Yes, a friend from high school died very unexpectedly on his flight back to NZ. It shook many of us who knew him to the core and made us all appreciate that we don't know how long we have on this earth.

5. What countries did you visit? 

None, this year was a year of saving for us! We did manage to get in a couple of domestic holidays this year in Northland and in Tauranga as well as a long weekend in Wellington. We will be spending NYE in the Coromandel (1 night in Tairua and 1 night in Whitianga) and we are hoping to get up and visit SB's aunt in Kerikeri some time before the wedding. Then it will be save save save again before the honeymoon!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? 

Balance... 2011 had some epic highs and epic lows. There were times when I felt that I had very little to do and times when I was working 13-15 hour days. It may be foolish to think that this is possible in a year where we are getting married, but I hope that this year is more balanced than the last.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

22nd of February - SB's birthday and the Christchurch earthquake. I remember sitting at his parents' house, terrified that I had not heard back from some of our friends and thinking the worst. Luckily, everyone was okay!

14th of May - the day we got engaged! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Getting out of debt (aside from my bulky student loan) - it is a huge burden off my shoulders and makes me feel so much more positive about merging our finances.

9. What was your biggest failure? 

Not losing more weight - I always knew that PCOS would make the weight loss difficult at some point, and have stagnated around the same weight for three months. I'm now on medication to combat the insulin resistance so I'm hoping to see some positive changes in the new year. I have between 8-18 kgs to go (doctor designated healthy weight range) so would at least like to hit the 8 kg mark before the wedding!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

Not substantially - I did however do some physio to strengthen what has been a problem knee joint for me ever since I had an accident at 19. I learnt some very interesting things about my body and muscular structure so I think that this was a good thing!

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

I really didn't buy a lot this year... hrmmm. I got a fabulous dress at Pagani that looks vastly more expensive than it was and has already had three outings in the three weeks I have had it!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My students who attended night classes to improve their exam results, SB who did not complain when he barely saw me for weeks on end, my cousin who was called back into ICU (previously worked there but is a public health nurse now) on the night of the Christchurch earthquake and dealt with an unimaginable amount of horror and strain.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 

All the dirty politicking around the election - it seemed like no party was immune and that just made me sad.

14. Where did most of your money go? Debt repayment - le sigh. But now I am out of overdraft and CC debt and plan to never go back there!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Party Rock Anthem – LMFAO

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder?

Happier, for the most part

b) Thinner or fatter?

Thinner, although nowhere near thin.

c) Richer or poorer?

Richer, both in knowledge/experience AND financially

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Exercise! That's one of the reasons my bubble butt hasn't disappeared.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Worry about things that I cannot control

20. How will you be spending Christmas? 

It was pretty hectic - bacon sandwiches for breakfast and present opening at our house, Christmas lunch at Mama & Papa Scribs and then Christmas dinner at SB's parents... it's funny to see the cycle move round. Instead of our parents racing everywhere to please everyone, it's us!

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Fell deeper in love, as I hope to be doing each year for the rest of my life.

22. What was your favourite TV programme? 

Home and Away - sad, I know! We also started watching Parks & Recreation which I really enjoy!

23. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? No, not really… although I'm finding I have vastly less time for people with negative attitudes and those who expect me to do all the work in the friendship.

24. What was the best book you read? 

Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth - a really interesting look at the psychology behind emotional eating. Not as spiritual as the title sounds

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm not sure this counts but I was blown away by Nicole Scherzinger singing Christine's role in Phantom of the Opera on the Royal Variety Show... who knew she could actually sing?!

26. What did you want and get? 

Engaged to my darling SB - cannot wait to be his wife!

27. What did you want and not get?

An extended contract at the school I was teaching at this year - loved the staff and loved the students. Still, I am grateful that I have been given a permanent position at a new school and will be able to make my home there!

28. What was your favourite film of this year? 

X-men First Class - loved seeing how it all began. I also was really intrigued by the movie Moon (released in 2009) and will be using it as my film study with one of my classes next year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 

Worked, and I turned 26. When you are a teacher, you don't get your birthday off work. SB's birthday is a week before mine so in the weekend between we had Thai with a group of dear friends.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Reaching my weight loss goal (are you sensing a pattern here?)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

My French sister told me that I was elegant and I think that sums up what I have been aiming for this year. Modest, understated elegance.

32. What kept you sane? 

SB, my blogger friends (including some particular ladies, you know who you are).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

I don't do wild celebrity crushes but I'll post the attraction that makes SB laugh the most - Patrick Stewart. I could listen to that man talk for hours!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Nothing really - what irritated me most was when people tried to make things into political issues that weren't.

35. Who did you miss? 

I think the people I miss the most are still there, I just miss the closeness that we used to have. It's part of life though, friendships rise and fall and not every single one is forever.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 

My Welly girls - it was great finally meeting them face to face, including Leah who I managed to catch before she flew off to her new adventure!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011 

That my personal values include honesty and integrity and that even when it seems counter-intuitive, those values still work for me.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

"Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it" LOL

All quiet on the writing front...

I haven't written for a while lately - mainly cause I don't know what the heck is going on!

Our little family has been put into a massive state of flux in the last fortnight or so with job opportunities and decisions having to be made, values to be reassessed and our mini-family to think about. As you can imagine, our evenings (when not consumed with work and our other commitments) are being absorbed by big, deep and meaningful discussions while we decide the best path forward.

SB and I are still madly in love and I'm so lucky to have him by my side as we stand at this fork in the road and decide which path to take. I'll be back in a week or so and hopefully be able to tell you more about what we have decided - cryptic I know, but all will become clear.

The Road not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Anxiety

They say you can't get away from your problems but I think that I managed to do it, at least for a little while, in Wellington. Maybe the walking all day just left me so physically exhausted that I had no choice but to fall asleep at night... maybe it was the booze LOL. I slept solidly through each night - no longer the case now that we're at home.

At the doctor's yesterday, I had a check-up. I needed a new prescription of my BCP and I asked for some sleeping tablets. It's standard practice at my doctor's clinic to note down what is causing your insomnia (stops abuse and addiction of tablets, I assume) so I actually had to discuss what I'm anxious about. I thought that maybe it was mum's health concerns but what it actually boiled down to was a lack of control  that I have on my future.

It's two and a half weeks until my contract ends and we've made the decision that I won't be working (so that I can spend more time with my family over Christmas - we don't know how many Christmases we have left together) and running the numbers, we definitely can manage for a fair while on SB's income alone. Part of me is very apprehensive about relying on him to "take care" of everything. It's not that I think that he won't but I have been fiercely independent since, well, forever. It's hard for me to be dependent on other people but I'm guessing that's something that I have to learn.

My anxiety also stems from job uncertainty for 2012. I really want the opportunity to have a position with flexible hours and be able to be fulfilled in all areas of my life - that's why I started Bee Of Service. I just didn't expect to be put in the position where that is a serious reality next year. Changes in Ministry of Education funding have seen the bottom fall out of the secondary teaching market and it's entirely possible that I won't have a permanent teaching job next year. Kinda awesome, kinda sucks when we have a wedding to plan and pay for!

I need to get to a place of peace and serenity with my situation, a place where I am lowering these levels of anxiety to a healthy zone.  I need to trust that this situation is this way because it is meant to be, because there are lessons that I am meant to learn from this phase of life. I need to trust that it will work out because it always does. I fear that feeling that way is only going to come with time.

How do you destress and become less anxious, Scribblettes?

Gotta have faith

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen my frantic postings on Friday regarding my job. For those of you who may have missed it, I've just had confirmation that my contract teaching position will be finishing a month earlier than expected. Not the worst thing that could have happened but it isn't ideal either when we are saving for a wedding. We've been examining the budget and working out where we can tighten our belts - the great thing about me not working would be that I would have time to create a lot more things from scratch. I'm also trying to ramp up additional income - trying to get Bee Of Service off the ground and looking around for possible temp positions.

The thing I failed to remember on Friday (and what I keep reminding myself now) is that everything WILL be okay. I don't mean that to sound trite, I truly believe that it will be. I survived until now, didn't I? At the beginning of last year, I had no job. I started relief teaching and most weeks had more work than I could possibly handle. I got a long-term relief job at another school that year and learnt more about classroom management (in the battlefields) than I could have possibly learnt at any course. At the end of the year, I got my current job, a job that has taught me so much about myself and the importance of family and community. Wherever I go to from here, it will continue to teach me the life lessons that I still need to learn. If one of those lessons is learning to rely on SB for a month, then that's what it will be - I hope that it's learning some exciting new skills though!

Whether you have belief in a Christian God, a higher positive power or just in yourself, you need to believe that it will be alright. You need to believe that what you are going through has purpose and is teaching you a lesson that you need to know... think on what that lesson is!

What lessons are you currently learning, Scribblettes?

Busy, busy...

I'm keeping up with my intention to use downtime efficiently at the moment - the reality is that I need to if I am to keep things in order. My days are really full at the moment so it's good to be able to use that quiet time before a class begins to check on net stuff for the business and The Shrinking Violets - or in this case talk to you!

What's making my life so busy? Here's a sample week :)

Monday - wake, check emails and read RSS to do with the business, work day-job 8.20-4.30, home (where I do more business stuff, more wedding planning, exercise, marking of students' work and try and be a good housewife!) - I'm hoping to add in a hot yin yoga class this day also.
Tuesday - same as Monday, with the addition of aquarobics in the evening
Wednesday - early work finish of 3 pm, this is generally when I try and complete major errands and decent cardio exercise
Thursday - same as Monday, considering adding in an additional aquarobics class
Friday - same as Monday, usually date night for SB and I

The weekends tend to be solidly packed with social/personal commitments at the moment, surprising because in previous years they have tended to drop off in winter. Things are only set to get busier in the next couple of weeks as I'll be taking on tutoring for extra cash. It might seems like this is crazy or really unenjoyable but I'm loving it. I feel fulfilled in almost every area of that life and that's a good place for me. I have my phone diary and task list to keep me in line and this works well for me :) I know it seems pretty peculiar to my friends that we're booking out coffee for three weeks ahead but if it's what makes it work, it makes it work.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Scribblettes, is don't let others judge you for the way you live your life. I know that some people think I'm taking on a lot, but I'm happy. If you are happy with the way you live your life (and the people that are important to you aren't disadvantaged), do what makes you happy. After all, isn't that what really matters?

Stop focusing on the negative!

I had a moment a couple of days ago... feeling fat and bloated, I jumped on the scales after dinner and saw the damage, about a kilogram up from my lowest weight. My immediate thought was "What a fattie!" - seriously? Even at that weight, I was still almost seventeen kilograms less than my largest weight! I had to laugh... getting uptight about a little bloating (which has obvious origins) and losing sight of the big picture. I made sure I drank some more water and headed to bed shaking my head.

In discussion with a certain lady blogger, I got to thinking. Surely what matters most is trying to be true to our intentions. My intention to get down to goal weight is supported by my actions - most of the time. When it's not, I just need to make some action plans to get it on track. I use the word intention as opposed to goal for a reason. Goal seems concrete, unmoving, almost bloody-minded in the pursuit of what you want. Intention seems to imply that you are going to work your hardest to do the best you can while living a life that is still enjoyable. Semantics? Maybe. It sits a heck of a lot better with me.

My days are full at the moment. I write this while supervising a whole class of students, working to create autobiographical sketches of their own lives. Reflection and examination, searching for clues of how we can move forward from our pasts to better futures. For me, making action plans, to-do lists and fueling my body in the best way I can to move forward and live my life with the intentions and design that work best for me and my family.

What do you think? Goals or intentions?

Time slips by...

It's the evening of the last day of the school holidays. Plenty of parents out there will be rejoicing that their sweet little darling are heading back to school tomorrow. There will be some teachers who are tearing their hair out, nervous for the term ahead. Me? I'm feeling zen. I know, weird right? Who is this person?

Last term I was stressed out by a whole load of things I couldn't control. Part of me wonders whether me taking better control of my health has lead me to stress a lot less about my mother's health, something that I can't control. I'm also proactively dealing with the crappy job market by setting myself up a side-hustle business - Juliette and Amanda have been invaluable resources during this process! I'll let you all know much more about it when everything is sorted (LOL I do need to pimp my own services, it's true) but the thought behind it is that having this side hustle will give me greater career flexibility in the future.

It's not that I don't like my job - for the most part, I really do! But I think I was equally happy relief teaching as well and what I enjoyed at that time was the flexibility to do what I needed for myself and my friends and family. Anyone who thinks that full-time teaching is a 9-3 job is kidding themselves, there's frequent late nights involved, even if the location is flexible. The reality is that I don't think that's what I want when I have kids. I want the flexibility to schedule a day off and go on school trips. I want to be able to work from home so I can be there when they are sick. Having kids is still a wee way off for us but with all the talk that goes along with getting married, it's part of the discussion we're having.

If I love teaching and yet want more flexibility, how is this going to work? My plan is to get my teaching registration and continue to work full-time before we have kids while working my side-hustle up to a viable part-time business. I'll continue to grow my side hustle when the kiddies are little and return to teaching as a relief teacher (meaning that I can pick and choose my days that I am available) or a part-time teacher for a couple of days a week when the kiddies are a little bit older. To me, and to SB, this seems like the most effective way to get where we want financially while upholding the values of family that we think are important. Big epiphany right? It's taken a couple of weeks to come to grips with it but we're feeling pretty confident we can make it work. Wish us luck!

What about you, Scribblettes? Have you found a way to have a career that reflects what you want in life?

It's the small things...

Right now I am sooooo full of germs I sound like a pug! Yet instead of feeling down in the dumps I actually feel quite positive about things... weird, no? Maybe it's been the enforced down time, allowing my brain to sift through all that's been going on; maybe I'm just feeling less overwhelmed. Regardless, I'm not going to look an emotional gift horse in the mouth!

SB has been so wonderful with me being sick. He's sole charge at work, dealing with his family dog being seriously ill yet he has come home two nights in a row and cooked dinner. I am so blessed to have him in my life as both my best friend and my husband to be. Bearing this in mind, I got angus beef patties out of the freezer this morning so that he could make burgers tonight. We didn't have any buns but we live 200m from a bakery so I thought I would attempt the walk.

It's winter here so the weather can be kind of miserable - I can hear heavy rain as I type this. The weather was cold but fairly mild as I headed out on my mini-journey. As I walked along there was a light breeze but it didn't cause me to cough. The sun shone down on my face and I could almost feel my body lapping up the Vitamin D. I may have had a sore ear, a blocked nose and a phlegmy throat but in that moment I was pretty darn happy.

I'm hoping that this phase of happiness and positivity continues... I was pretty over feeling flat and blue!

Do you wanna know?

I've got to that awkward point a lot of bloggers reach when they have been writing for a while (and in my case, three years!). A big change comes in your life and it's quite consuming - for me this is the wedding. For Kez, it is having a baby. All of a sudden, your "lifestyle blog" may seem more like a wedding blog or a mummy blog and that's not the reason that your readers started reading in the first place.

Getting married is such a huge change in my life. I sat down to write this blog this morning and realised that all the neat stuff I wanted to tell you all was wedding-related. To be honest, the rest of the week was a bit of a shitter! A lot of what I mull over in my spare time is either weight loss and exercise related (and I already blog on the Shrinking Violets blog about that) or wedding/marriage/Mr & Mrs Scribbles future related. Herein lies the dilemma.

I can talk about the other stuff but on a week like the one that's just been that is just depressing. My mum is having a hard time with getting colds on chemo, my only grandma has been in hospital and had several complications, I had to break up a fight between students on Thursday - not only was I deeply embarrassed at their behaviour but I pulled a muscle in my back. One might say I'm trying to avoid the negative... and I totally AM. I don't want to really talk or even think about all of that stuff.

The stuff I'm loving in my life is booking vendors, developing a vision for our wintery wedding and trying out crafty ideas. Designing a relatively unique wedding band to go with my engagement ring. Talking with SB about our future, the wedding, the honeymoon and beyond. I guess my question to you all is "Are you interested about hearing about all that stuff? Or should I be keeping it real?"

I'd love to hear from you.

Drive-by Cleaning!

After a lot of last week being a dead loss to me (PMS and Christchurch stress) I seemed to perk up on Friday after *ahem* losing the plot with some of my naughty students - sometimes it's just good to yell, right? I went out for a fantastic dinner (celebrating SB's and my birthdays) at a local Thai place with friends and woke up Saturday morning feeling more invigorated than I had all week.

Just as well, I had stuff to do.

After I'd plowed through the school work I needed to complete that morning (as an aside: anyone who says teachers work 9-3 deserve a punch in the face) it was on to tidying the house. It wasn't dirty per se... just a whole bunch of stuff was not in the right place and consequently the house had a cluttered and untidy feel. It took me about an hour to get the place in tiptop shape and I felt more relaxed once it was done. SB was so happy when he got home too - he's a little bit less slovenly than I!

It was then I decided that I would try and maintain the state of cleanliness in the house - it would certainly save the embarrassments of the past when SB's friends have come in to see my big frilly bras on the couch! So each night as I head to bed I have decided to do a drive-by cleaning of the lounge - no more than ten minutes just making sure that everything goes to a sensible home. Two bonuses here - tidy lounge and I'm more relaxed for bed!

Fingers crossed I can keep this up! Do you have any cleaning secrets?

Insides, outsides...

It struck me today, as I was straightening up the bedroom, how much what is going on in my life affects my surroundings. The last week felt very messy - I had my senior students leaving to go on exams, I'm still in the middle of job confusion and worry, my timetable was all warped and I'm feeling quite bloated without a clear reason (TMI?) and by the end of the week the house definitely reflected this sort of flustered muddle that I felt inside.

We were having friends over for dinner on Friday night so I decided I was going to employ the close-the-door method - you all know it, when you take all the mess from the area they are going to see, put it in a bedroom and close the door. The guests were none the wiser, I got to have lovely girl talk with Blondie and the mess, while distributed, still remained.

Today I'm feeling much more serene about things. I've had time to work through the weird timetable of last week and create a plan for the last four weeks of term. I've emailed the school with a less-than-ideal offer to discuss and the possibility of another position has come up from somewhere unexpected. Today is also the first day that I've felt like tackling the mess.

My question is... if I keep everything tidy, will this stop me from feeling so jumbled when life throws me a curveball? Your thoughts, Scribblettes...

Fake it...?

I was reading an article on Gala Darling's website about her new filofax. I've always been a fan of planning so the filofax article itself was not that amazing or insightful. Gala did show how she used the filofax and this was what spurred my thought for today.

She had a page in her organiser that was a list of daily "gratitudes" or affirmations that things would go well for her - an example she gave was that her dogs would get on with each other. I'm not really on board with the whole "The Secret" band wagon - I don't believe that you get everything you want just because you want it and that seems to be the essence of this law of attraction thing... I may be wrong, but that's the gist of what I understand from various articles I have read on the subject.

It did get me wondering about how I look at situations. I've reached end-of-term burnout. When I'm not teaching my classes I just want to sit on the staff room couch and stare into space. I don't like my classes at the moment, the kids annoy me, half of them are so lazy I don't even feel like trying. I feel empty and sad when it comes to the employment section of my life and the worst part is that I know that it's not all true.

I'm exhausted... as in "if I make it to the end of the week without falling sick, I'll be amazed". I know that I'm only seeing the bad because I feel so tired and the same students keep disappointing me. I'm failing to see the good in students who improve their behaviour, I'm failing to acknowledge those students who are awesome all the time.

So after a good night's sleep I plan on writing some positive affirmations to stick by my desk. And to relax myself before going to bed tonight, I'm going to reflect on the serenity prayer (which I know to some of you makes about as much sense as "The Secret").

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Chicken or...

Clucky?

In a chat with Abstract Aucklander on Twitter, we discussed our changing attitudes to children in our lives. Even three years ago (still well past my teenage years) I had the attitude that I would like kids someday. My friends' kids were adorable and I loved to hang out with them but I also loved the fact that I could give them back. I was all about achieving everything I wanted and fitting kids around that reality and yet now... now I want to make it a priority.

No, I'm not preggers/hapu/enciente and still don't intend on being so before I'm married. There are still things that I want to accomplish before we have kids...

• SB and I are in a committed relationship but I would like to formalise that in marriage before we start a family. I know it's not a priority for everyone, but it is one for us. It's what we grew up with and is familiar to us. Our parents have been married for over 50 years combined.
• I want to get my teaching registration - I do plan on taking a significant amount of time off work when my children are small and it will be easier to return to the work force if I have my full rego. Provided that I can get another job when this one ends at the end of the year, I should have my full registration in Term 2, 2012.
• I want to replace my bomb of a vehicle with something more reliable (and with automatic rather than manual transmission) and pay in cash.
• A couple of overseas trips that are unlikely to happen when we have small children.

So logically, we'll be looking at having kids in about three/four years time. This works for us as we don't want to be older parents and with my PCOS issues, it is better for us to try while I'm still in my twenties. I may be hearing my ovaries sigh as I watch my friends cuddle their young children but my heart is on board with this being the right thing to do.

That said, having talked about this in detail with SB has lead us to make several decisions that we can't deny are influenced by this. The car that I am looking at replacing mine with has the benefit of being able to fit a small family in it (no micro-compact cars for me). Our holiday fund after this year will be focused towards those trips we want to accomplish sans offspring. SB knows that he'll need to propose sometime during the next couple of years LOL. Of course, I fret that I am going to struggle to find a job at the end of this year and that my rego journey is going to take even longer. We've talked about finances and what we will do to ensure that our drop in income is not too heavy while I stay at home. I will return to teaching but we don't need the pressure of me having to return too soon.

It's times like this when I realise how much my life has changed. From high-flying marketing and PR assistant to a woman who looks forward to the day when her job title is Mummy. From self-proclaimed feminist to a traditional girl who wants marriage, babies and to be a wife. From being afraid of the time when I would have to "sacrifice my life" to the time when I look forward to the change on the horizon. In the immortal words of Blink 182 "I guess this is growing up".

P.S. I defined being a grown-up to my Year 12s as the following: "When you see your friend announce her pregnancy on Facebook and you aren't shocked and worried anymore". Yup, growing up.

Now I am rich...

No, unfortunately I haven't won the lotto... wouldn't that be nice? But since I established myself as a relief teacher I've been earning more on average per week than I did in my previous incarnation as a marketing and PR assistant. Compared to my student wages it really has been "OMG that is soo much money". I will freely admit that I am not used to it. And now that I have gained a full-time position until the end of the year, that sort of money will be coming in on a regular basis. Part of me is still goggled eyed at the money that arrives in my bank account (doesn't help I get paid fortnightly so it is an even larger number) but part of me knows I have to take action with this cash - spend it wisely if you will.

Talking with SB, we have decided on three major priorities I will focus on this year:

1) Getting my bank accounts back on track - embarrassed to admit it but my holiday job did not prvide me with the income that I had hoped for over the summer break. I had also made the assumption that I would get a teaching job that started Term 1. First goal (to be accomplished in the next two months) is to get all accounts sitting back in the black.

2) Overseas holiday - yes, SB loves me so much he's willing to hop on a plane with me again. The last couple of years have been rough for me with study and Mama Scribbles' illness and so we plan on laxing out on a South Pacific island for five days or so - Rarotonga is currently winning in the destination stakes and we're finding it likely that we will have to go in July, so plans will have to be made shortly.

3) New car - well, new old car. An automatic transmission so that commuting is not such a pain in the ass. I think that SB would like this to come before the holiday, but we compromise. It will still be happening before the end of the year.

So I'm socking cash away for that, plus for an emergency fund. But I do want to enjoy some of this cash, so how do I reconcile these lofty goals with having fun? I weigh up what I'm going to buy against the enjoyment that it will give me. This morning was a bad morning - I mean, a really bad morning. So I splurged on a mocha from the cafe at work and the effect it had on me was absolutely worth the "unnecessary" $4. Buying clothes that make me feel confident and professional, buying extra food so we can provide a great (and responsible) party experience for our friends this weekend, shouting my boyfriend dinner when I get my first full-time paycheck - all feel good options and as long as I keep maintaining steady progress towards my goal, I'm happy. Your thoughts, Scribblettes?

Secret fashion maven??

I'm not one of these girls who is always impeccably dressed before leaving the house - the nature of my hair alone means that in an Auckland summer I am a frizz bomb before noon. Only two months ago did I get around to throwing out all my clothes that were out-of-date, out-of-size or just plain not me anymore. I don't style blog because frankly most of my clothing decisions are made after my morning shower based on the fact that they don't make me look like a fat old lump. I hardly feel that puts me in the league of such gorgeous ladies as Andrea and SKM.

Over the last week, I have been relief teaching for PE. As such, the drama teacher in me feels like I have to adopt the role of a PE teacher and dress appropriately - not stupid, you need to be able to pitch in with the kids and wear flexible and sport-appropriate clothing. But by last night? I was feeling like a total scruff.

While I don't consider myself a style maven, I have discovered that I am a little bit of a style snob. I can't spend all day in t-shirts and yoga pants. I know that there are some stylish sportswear items out there but it's not worth the investment when I could be covering a math class next week. So as an antidote to all the slobbery (slobbishness?), I'm spending today in a lovely dress. And have two dresses on hand to wear this weekend :) Sometimes you gotta love being a girl!

And into fast forward we go...

You know how I posted about us finding a house? The realisation hit me this morning like a tonne of bricks - move in is a week away!! My poor parents' house is a mess of boxes at the moment as I frantically try and shove things into some semblance of order in the time I have available. I finally feel like I'm getting on top of it though - have kept one book out for reading material this week and all the rest are packed away :) It means that during the nights of next week I will only have the necessities to pack away. Good thing that, as my days are completely choca!

And in other news, I've gone from being underemployed to being a busy little bumble! No, haven't scored a full-time teaching gig but have been taken on by my old high school (as in, the one I attended as a student) as a relief teacher! I taught dance and health classes on Friday and will be covering English classes from Tues-Fri next week. They've been so helpful in getting all my paperwork sorted with the Ministry (that pays all the teachers - the schools don't pay directly) and the kids, while not loving having a relief teacher, are far from the terrors they could be. Most of all, I'm loving being back in the classroom - I had seriously missed it. It does make some of the teachers there laugh that I have a secret life still of selling bras and panties!

I'd love to have a full-time job and everything pan out absolutely normally but it wasn't to be... just shows that trying to achieve your dreams by changing tack can actually work. Scribblettes, has life ever taken an unexpected turn that worked out brilliantly? Have you found different ways to achieve your goals?

Waiting... on my world to change...

I always find that my writing frequency decreases when I am in a bad mood. I guess that it is that I don't want to come across to the internet as a big whiney baby. "There's always someone worse off than you" keeps running through my head at an alarming rate. The fact that I was wanting to chew off my fist out of sheer frustration this afternoon begs to differ. So I give you the option now of stopping reading this purely self-indulgent pity party of a post if you want... now.

Christmas Time!

Isn't it laughable that on my "holiday", I am busier than ever? I knew that working in fashion retail was never going to be the easiest way to spend Christmas but, like childbirth, I think the body operates to make you forget just how difficult it is. I have aching ankles - dress code requires us to wear ballet flats and I have a tendency to overpronate, bruises where I don't even remember crashing into things (and a couple where I do remember rather painfully backing into a clothes rack) and just on Monday I stood on the pin end of a security tag then stood bleeding into my shoe for another half hour until the customer rush died down. As well as that, I've been baking up a storm as part of Christmas gifts and generally trying to get the everyday household work completed.

That's not to say that life hasn't been fun. I had a few of the girls around last Friday (while SB was at the Green Day concert) and we had a quiet night of drinking wine, eating snacks and watching Love Actually. The following night was SB's work do and it was great to finally put faces to all the names I'd heard - and the Christmas comedy show was fantastic. I had a farewell lunch put on for me at work and it was a lovely way to spend part of my day off yesterday. I cooked and cooked and cooked some more last night and not only did I have the assistance of my lovely SB but then he and the boys did all the washing up.

Life has been busy - excessively so, it sometimes seems. Christmas Day appears to be no exception, with SB and I spending time with our respective families in the mornings, going out with his extended family for lunch and then finishing the food orgy at my parents later on in the evening. No huge Christmas piss ups for me as I'm working the Boxing Day Sales - I don't know if it is as big overseas as it is here, but it's comparable to the States' Black Friday. Having only one shift next week is a blessing (however poor it makes me) - I desperately need the time to catch up on some rest.

I'm not sorry that I made the choices that I did for this Christmas (working, two Christmases in one day) because I feel that they were the right ones. Work allows me some semblance of financial stability, Christmas with families is an important priority for SB and I, as is spending Christmas with each other. I'm looking forward to going to midnight mass with SB tonight, even though I'm going to need some serious caffeine to get through it. But I can't deny that just a tiny little piece of me will be glad when things finally wind down. Roll on 5th of January and a return to a regular bloggy schedule.

To those of you who are as hectic as I am and those of you who are relaxing over your RSS readers with a chamomile tea, I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a 2010 that brings you just a little bit more of your heart's desire.

Why I write...

While reading something that I wrote today, SB said that it was touching and he didn't think I could have said it better. While he might be a little biased, I think there's something in what he said. I had a day today where the wheels just fell off and I spent the day nestled in my parents couch wrapped in a duvet (tired, not sick or depressed, just deathly tired) with a lot of time to think. I came to the following conclusion.

I like to write. Writing letters, writing lists, writing blog posts, writing stories... I get pleasure from the creation of a well-crafted piece of writing. I am an actress (or at least a drama teacher) and public speaking isn't hard for me. I'm one of the first to leap into a conversation about something that I'm passionate about. Yet even in these situations something is lacking.

Writing gives me the opportunity to think slowly about what I want to say. Writing gives me the chance to delete and rewrite, making sure that each sentence says exactly what I want it to. Writing gives me the chance to get thoughts out of my head so that they can no longer torment me. Whether it is a to-do list trapped in my mind or a hurt I'm nursing, once it's out of my head and on paper or screen, I can relax.

Writing gives me the power to withhold knowledge if I know it will hurt, or place conditions on what I wrote. An example of this is this blog. My mother knows of this blog's existence, yet she knows it is my place to be free. She can read it on condition that she doesn't object to the content... and let's face it, it may not always frame her in the best light. The same applies to me reading her blog. If I want to write about really ugly feelings, I may burn the letter afterwards. It's so cathartic.

Writing on the blog makes me smile - that a record of my life is imprinted on the world and upon everyone who reads this. I hope to live until I'm grey and old and be able to look back on this time. Alternatively, if I'm not so lucky then at least a part of me will exist after I am gone. Maybe my kids will get a laugh at how introspective their mum was in her early twenties. They'll be able to see the time (hopefully) that I met their father, the man of my dreams.

Why do you write?

20 + 10 for 2010

Coming to the end of the year, I find a lot of my time is spent looking back over the year and looking forward to the future, wondering will happen... here's my list of 20 goals and 10 hopes for the year 2010.

Goals

1. Get a teaching job - hopefully this will happen before 2010, but if not, it is my hope that I will be able to pick up a permanent role during the year.
2. Take a yoga class - my work place (that I am leaving just before Christmas *scared face*) offers one for a decent price so I really don't have an excuse
3. Get fit - we are getting a Nintendo Wii soon and once we have a place that we know we are staying in next year we will be getting a treadmill - no excuse of crappy NZ weather.
4. Go on an overseas holiday - at the moment, it looks like New Caledonia for the win. SB is not fond of flying so we're taking it in baby steps.
5. Be more zen/foster patience - I know this is a huge character failing in myself and something I definitely need to improve on.
6. Do little, often - this year, I have often been guilty of coming in and dumping notes in areas and having these massive cleaning binges in the holidays. Next year, when we are settled, I need to develop a better system. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place
7. Buy a filing cabinet - see 6 above.
8. Develop more pride in myself - multiple reasons have led me in the past to think that I am not very good looking and this has reflected itself in my neglect to put myself together in a spectacular way. This stops now - I have a slammin' wash and wear hairstyle, now I just need to sparkle up my face and make sure I put together gorgeous outfits. Style mavens, I'm looking at you.
9. Be creative - so many of the handmade projects on the web inspire me. 2010 is going to be the year that I start creating them on my own.
10. Give consciously - think about the best solution for an issue and work towards that. Start in my own community and group of friends and move outwards
11. Bake more - one thing both SB and I love from our childhood years was how there was always something yummy of mum's baking around. I need to get into the habit now of creating these delicious treats (and then SB doesn't need to take so many processed snacks to work!)
12. In the same vein, I need to learn how to decorate cakes better. Have this brilliant idea for a Bachelorette party cake and NO idea how to execute it.
13. Take more photos - for some reason I didn't take as many photos this winter - I love having a photo record of the fun times I have and the beauty I see around me... loads of memories for when I'm gray and old LOL.
14. Leading on from 13 above, create some scrapbooks! There's not much use in having all my memories stored digitally - they need to be out, tangible and beautiful for people to see.
15. Buy a sewing machine - it doesn't need to be a flash one, I'm just a beginner. Looking forward to perhaps trying to construct skirts that flatter my oddly shaped figure.
16. Make more meaningful connections with people... this is a hard one to describe in detail. I feel like I know lots of people but only know a select few... I want to get to know people better, find out what drives them, excites them, makes them tick.
17. Post more frequently to Scribbles - I've let life get away on me somewhat in the past year, so aiming for at least two posts a week in 2010 - that makes 104 little doses of me, which I'm sure you can tolerate :)
18. Throw more dinner parties! There's nothing I love more than getting a group of friends together for a delicious meal. The dinner party we had this year was superb (even if it was a make-your-own burrito bar) and I want loads more repeats please!
19. Start writing fiction like I have always planned to do... I'm not going to set a goal of even trying to get published next year but I need to start working towards it as a future goal. Because of study and because of the needs of my future profession, NaNoWriMo is never going to be an option for me but that doesn't mean I should not write.
20. Write more letters - this is a bit of a selfish one... I like writing letters because I LOVE receiving them. Far better than boring bills.

Hopes

1. That my mum responds well to whatever chemotherapy she ends up with
2. That SB and I continue to grow in our relationship together
3. Well, it's not exactly a secret that I want to spend the rest of my life with the boy, so a little sparkly would be the icing on the cake (mmmm maybe this should be 2b - only if SB feels like extending himself LOL)
4. That the bachelorette party I am planning at the moment turns into a kickass night that the bride remembers forever
5. That the bogan-themed party that SB and I are planning for our birthdays (a week apart) is a success
6. That as packed as my February & March calendar is next year, I take the time to breathe, enjoy the moment and love every minute of the time I spend with my love and my friends.
7. That SB and I have a great time on our mid-year tropical sojourn and it is everything I hope it will be.
8. That I can look back on 2010 and be proud of all I have achieved.
9. That my creative spark gets fired up and I have a lot more interesting blog posts to write on the Scribbles site yet :D
10. That 2010 sees more and more of my friends achieving their own goals and seeing their hopes fulfilled, whatever that may be.

LOL now that I look back on this, it looks an awful lot like a meme. So fill it out Scribblettes, either in the comments or linking me to your URL on your blog. I would love to know what you have planned for 20 + 10 for 2010!