February, I hardly knew you...

It's safe to say that I've been overwhelmed by the new job... and at this point I can't quite pinpoint why. I'm certainly not alone - the other teachers who started at the school at the same time as me feel similarly rushed off their feet, whether this is their first year teaching or whether they have been teaching for over five years. If I'm being honest, I'm a little disappointed. I thought that this was going to be the right place for me and I'm increasingly feeling like a round peg in a square hole. I know that there are lessons I'm meant to be learning here (there always are, wherever you find yourself), but they aren't apparent yet.

It's not all doom and gloom though. Despite the turmoil I've managed to maintain my weight at the lowest it has been in five years. I'm only 7 kg away from my first goal weight at which point I will have lost 25kg (that's like a five-year-old, right?). We've managed to go on a couple of spectacular all-day dates, one to the Devonport Wine & Food Festival and one to Hamilton for fabulous Mexican food and a walk around the Gardens. I turn 27 tomorrow and I'm still alive. Despite her treatment setbacks, so is Mama Scribs. We're getting married in just over 90 days and we're looking for a new rental closer to where we would like to settle down.

I guess it all comes back to that Balance word. I feel like I'm nowhere near where I want to be at the moment but at least I feel like I'm making progress. It's like that shampoo ad that shall remain nameless... it won't happen overnight, but it will happen!

Normal?

So... I'm going to try on wedding dresses tomorrow. Squee right? 

So I'm stuck wondering why I'm not feeling so squee.

I wonder whether it's because I'm not yet the size I'd hoped to be when I first went dress shopping. I don't think that anyone should tie their sense of worth (and their beauty as a bride) to a dress size, but I'd hoped to lose all my weight in a year - at 30 kg from my largest, maybe I should have been more realistic. I'm now hoping to be 7 kg lighter than I am now by the time the wedding and at my goal weight by my weight loss anniversary in November, an additional 5 kg.

I'm also wondering whether... well... I don't care so much. I want a pretty dress but I really don't have many of the details set in stone. White or off-white, silhouettes, sashes, one-strap/two-straps/strapless... I don't really mind! I'm thinking that it will probably be chiffon but I'm certainly not tied to it. I've organized the things that really matter to me and maybe I'm just one of those brides that doesn't care that much about the dress.

I see our day out as a really fun outing with mum and French "sister" C - especially seeing we're taking in "high tea" at the Langham. I'm just hoping I feel a little bit more of the magic once I'm in the dresses!

2011 in Review

Borrowed this from the lovely Leah... it is great to do just for some personal reflection!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? 

Start planning a wedding, create a joint account with someone, Christmas shopping for the in-laws as well as my own family, go to the trots (and see a friend's dad take out the evening!), celebrate Christmas with my french "sister" C, understood rugby, modelled in a photo shoot... I'm sure there's plenty more but that's what comes to mind!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

I did well with most of my goals - 

• I lost weight - not as much as I had wanted (about 12 kg this year)
• I was more active
• I am a far more organised, decluttered person
• I moisturised more (I'm definitely a lot more vain than I used to be)
• I read (to date) almost 90 books - won't make 100, but better than the 50 I thought was possible.
• I got out of debt
• I did NOT keep clothing purchases under $60, despite my best efforts!
• I did make more and we have had many more home cooked meals this year than in previous years.

For next year I plan on making intentions rather than goals - the things I am aiming for are not necessarily as measurable as those I aimed for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

Yes, my bestie! Little J is just the cutest little guy and when I cuddle him it makes my ovaries explode - clucky much?

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Yes, a friend from high school died very unexpectedly on his flight back to NZ. It shook many of us who knew him to the core and made us all appreciate that we don't know how long we have on this earth.

5. What countries did you visit? 

None, this year was a year of saving for us! We did manage to get in a couple of domestic holidays this year in Northland and in Tauranga as well as a long weekend in Wellington. We will be spending NYE in the Coromandel (1 night in Tairua and 1 night in Whitianga) and we are hoping to get up and visit SB's aunt in Kerikeri some time before the wedding. Then it will be save save save again before the honeymoon!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? 

Balance... 2011 had some epic highs and epic lows. There were times when I felt that I had very little to do and times when I was working 13-15 hour days. It may be foolish to think that this is possible in a year where we are getting married, but I hope that this year is more balanced than the last.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

22nd of February - SB's birthday and the Christchurch earthquake. I remember sitting at his parents' house, terrified that I had not heard back from some of our friends and thinking the worst. Luckily, everyone was okay!

14th of May - the day we got engaged! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Getting out of debt (aside from my bulky student loan) - it is a huge burden off my shoulders and makes me feel so much more positive about merging our finances.

9. What was your biggest failure? 

Not losing more weight - I always knew that PCOS would make the weight loss difficult at some point, and have stagnated around the same weight for three months. I'm now on medication to combat the insulin resistance so I'm hoping to see some positive changes in the new year. I have between 8-18 kgs to go (doctor designated healthy weight range) so would at least like to hit the 8 kg mark before the wedding!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

Not substantially - I did however do some physio to strengthen what has been a problem knee joint for me ever since I had an accident at 19. I learnt some very interesting things about my body and muscular structure so I think that this was a good thing!

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

I really didn't buy a lot this year... hrmmm. I got a fabulous dress at Pagani that looks vastly more expensive than it was and has already had three outings in the three weeks I have had it!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My students who attended night classes to improve their exam results, SB who did not complain when he barely saw me for weeks on end, my cousin who was called back into ICU (previously worked there but is a public health nurse now) on the night of the Christchurch earthquake and dealt with an unimaginable amount of horror and strain.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 

All the dirty politicking around the election - it seemed like no party was immune and that just made me sad.

14. Where did most of your money go? Debt repayment - le sigh. But now I am out of overdraft and CC debt and plan to never go back there!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Party Rock Anthem – LMFAO

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder?

Happier, for the most part

b) Thinner or fatter?

Thinner, although nowhere near thin.

c) Richer or poorer?

Richer, both in knowledge/experience AND financially

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Exercise! That's one of the reasons my bubble butt hasn't disappeared.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Worry about things that I cannot control

20. How will you be spending Christmas? 

It was pretty hectic - bacon sandwiches for breakfast and present opening at our house, Christmas lunch at Mama & Papa Scribs and then Christmas dinner at SB's parents... it's funny to see the cycle move round. Instead of our parents racing everywhere to please everyone, it's us!

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Fell deeper in love, as I hope to be doing each year for the rest of my life.

22. What was your favourite TV programme? 

Home and Away - sad, I know! We also started watching Parks & Recreation which I really enjoy!

23. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? No, not really… although I'm finding I have vastly less time for people with negative attitudes and those who expect me to do all the work in the friendship.

24. What was the best book you read? 

Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth - a really interesting look at the psychology behind emotional eating. Not as spiritual as the title sounds

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm not sure this counts but I was blown away by Nicole Scherzinger singing Christine's role in Phantom of the Opera on the Royal Variety Show... who knew she could actually sing?!

26. What did you want and get? 

Engaged to my darling SB - cannot wait to be his wife!

27. What did you want and not get?

An extended contract at the school I was teaching at this year - loved the staff and loved the students. Still, I am grateful that I have been given a permanent position at a new school and will be able to make my home there!

28. What was your favourite film of this year? 

X-men First Class - loved seeing how it all began. I also was really intrigued by the movie Moon (released in 2009) and will be using it as my film study with one of my classes next year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 

Worked, and I turned 26. When you are a teacher, you don't get your birthday off work. SB's birthday is a week before mine so in the weekend between we had Thai with a group of dear friends.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Reaching my weight loss goal (are you sensing a pattern here?)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

My French sister told me that I was elegant and I think that sums up what I have been aiming for this year. Modest, understated elegance.

32. What kept you sane? 

SB, my blogger friends (including some particular ladies, you know who you are).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

I don't do wild celebrity crushes but I'll post the attraction that makes SB laugh the most - Patrick Stewart. I could listen to that man talk for hours!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Nothing really - what irritated me most was when people tried to make things into political issues that weren't.

35. Who did you miss? 

I think the people I miss the most are still there, I just miss the closeness that we used to have. It's part of life though, friendships rise and fall and not every single one is forever.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 

My Welly girls - it was great finally meeting them face to face, including Leah who I managed to catch before she flew off to her new adventure!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011 

That my personal values include honesty and integrity and that even when it seems counter-intuitive, those values still work for me.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

"Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it" LOL

A week to go 'til Christmas

SB and I have no plans today and it feels marvellous. Knowing us, it's still a time to get things done (and get the house in apple-pie order - nothing sexier than a guy cleaning the oven, even if it is because he spilt pizza all over it last night!) but we can go at our own pace and be relaxed - and that's fantastic! The days ahead are busy with final preparations for Christmas, helping Mama Scribs prepare the house, spending time with my lovely french "sister" C and visiting wee J (clucky much?). And just because I don't like making things easy for myself, I'm changing up my lifestyle.

I've started a new medication for my PCOS and it has had some interesting side effects! PCOS sufferers often suffer from insulin resistance, making it harder for them to lose weight. I've plateaued with my weight loss and so in conjunction with my doctors, I made the decision to start taking a drug (Metformin), commonly used for diabetics. While it's a common prescription for PCOS women (if you are not on the pill, you're likely to be on Metformin and I'm on both), it's considered an off-label use; basically, we know it works but we aren't willing to do the official clinical trials required to put it on the label. Ergo, most of the information about side effects available is for diabetes patients! Luckily, an online PCOS forum made me realise I'm not alone in my side effect...

HOT FLUSHES

Yes, that's right, in adjusting my hormone levels, it's making me heat up like a menopausal woman. Interesting to say the least! I think that's the reason I had to take a nap before going out yesterday afternoon - running hot and cold all day during a humid Auckland afternoon is exhausting! Given that the side effects can be far more debilitating, I'll take that. Especially my PCOS sister seem to think that it is a temporary thing :)

So hopefully this kick-starts my weight loss even over Christmas, with all the delicious food. I can already notice a diminished appetite and zero cravings so that's gotta be a good thing! Will be squeezing myself into wedding dresses come January and it would be great to lose at least four kilos by then!

December Rush!

I don't know about everyone else, but my run up to Christmas has just been insane. Yesterday was the first day that I had nothing on since the start of the month (and that was only because the Women in Business event I was going to was cancelled) and I was so exhausted I slept in until 2 pm! I can't remember doing that since I was in my teens!

So what's been going on for us in December?

• Helping Mama Scribs tidy and organise her house in preparation for my "exchange sisters" arrival (lucky her, she gets my Bee Of Service skills for free)
• Getting a few loose ends tied up for Bee of Service, now in hiatus til after Christmas
• Hanging out with my bestie, having pedicures and going for beach walks before baby arrived
• Throwing our annual Christmas BBQ
• Bachelorette Day Out with gorgeous friend J, doing a scavenger hunt in Auckland City then celebrating throughout the afternoon in a vineyard on Waiheke Island
• Attending a Year 8 mixer of all the contributing schools to my new high school - they had all been learning to ballroom dance and it was so adorable!
• Spending a day learning about the new school's peer support programme and finding out about some of the more interesting characters in my new form class
• Finding out my bestie had given birth to her new little boy and literally squealing - for those of you who know me IRL, you know I'm not a squealer (btw, my cluckiness has hit new heights!)
• Trying out a new hair salon and loving it - have found a new hair home!
• Spending time with my adorable friend Ange - she's a make-up artist so we caught up with all the goss while she did my makeup for...
• Watching J & V get married and have the cutest little reception up in the Waitakere Ranges - the view was amazing, we even got to see the Christmas in the Park fireworks (although they looked tiny from so far away
• Fulfilling our church service obligations - we're on the greeting roster which is fun, we just get to say hi to everyone and hand out programmes as they enter.
• BBQ for Papa Scribs' birthday - just great to spend that time with the family
• Going to the hospital twice to visit the new baby - so adorable and squidgy. Very cool to be back in the place of my birth too!
• Spending two days on a professional development course on how to raise Maori achievement in high schools - to be perfectly honest, I had thought that, given my background, it wouldn't be of that much use to me but it's really opened my eyes to some of those conversations I have with students in my classroom.
• Attending the Foo Fighters concert - it pissed down with rain and I am so grateful to my bonus brother (future bro-in-law) for packing some plastic sheets. I ripped a head hole in one and managed to stay vaguely dry LOL. The concert was well worth it though!

No wonder I needed a solid sleep! The 2 pm things sounds really bad but in my defence, I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m. after the Foos - had to drop Bonus Brother home and then have a shower to warm up before bed!

There's still plenty to look forward to in the December Rush too:

Dinner with old uni mates - SB's work do at the races - Cupcakes and Cocktails party for my dear friend Missy - more cuddles with babies - my exchange sisters arriving in NZ - midnight mass on Christmas eve (tradition for SB and I) - Christmas Day - the Boxing Day Blowout party that's tradition in my fam - Mama Scrib's Birthday & New Year's Eve (haven't the foggiest what we are doing to celebrate that yet!)

A follow up to the Anxiety post

Saw this the other day and it did make this frazzled girl smile... although I've done a remarkable job of remaining zen at work while wanting to karate kick people across a room!

Anxiety

They say you can't get away from your problems but I think that I managed to do it, at least for a little while, in Wellington. Maybe the walking all day just left me so physically exhausted that I had no choice but to fall asleep at night... maybe it was the booze LOL. I slept solidly through each night - no longer the case now that we're at home.

At the doctor's yesterday, I had a check-up. I needed a new prescription of my BCP and I asked for some sleeping tablets. It's standard practice at my doctor's clinic to note down what is causing your insomnia (stops abuse and addiction of tablets, I assume) so I actually had to discuss what I'm anxious about. I thought that maybe it was mum's health concerns but what it actually boiled down to was a lack of control  that I have on my future.

It's two and a half weeks until my contract ends and we've made the decision that I won't be working (so that I can spend more time with my family over Christmas - we don't know how many Christmases we have left together) and running the numbers, we definitely can manage for a fair while on SB's income alone. Part of me is very apprehensive about relying on him to "take care" of everything. It's not that I think that he won't but I have been fiercely independent since, well, forever. It's hard for me to be dependent on other people but I'm guessing that's something that I have to learn.

My anxiety also stems from job uncertainty for 2012. I really want the opportunity to have a position with flexible hours and be able to be fulfilled in all areas of my life - that's why I started Bee Of Service. I just didn't expect to be put in the position where that is a serious reality next year. Changes in Ministry of Education funding have seen the bottom fall out of the secondary teaching market and it's entirely possible that I won't have a permanent teaching job next year. Kinda awesome, kinda sucks when we have a wedding to plan and pay for!

I need to get to a place of peace and serenity with my situation, a place where I am lowering these levels of anxiety to a healthy zone.  I need to trust that this situation is this way because it is meant to be, because there are lessons that I am meant to learn from this phase of life. I need to trust that it will work out because it always does. I fear that feeling that way is only going to come with time.

How do you destress and become less anxious, Scribblettes?

Quiet times...

It's been a rough week - there's no denying it. Both SB and I caught a virus that was going around - knocked me out for three days and had to stay off work to avoid spreading the germs. On Tuesday, the second day off, I hopped on Facebook to be stunned by the news that an old school friend had passed away very unexpectedly. Wednesday I started to feel better, only for SB to start to feel worse. Thursday night we had a phone call to say that SB's dog had taken a turn for the worse and that we should pop round the following morning if we wanted to say goodbye. We did, and without going into the finer details, it was clear that putting down the dog down was the best thing to do. This morning, I attended the funeral of my school friend. It was heart-breaking to see his girlfriend stand by the coffin, unmoving, their life together cut so short.

So SB and I are sitting on the couch, watching music DVDs and having a whiskey and dry for the ones we've lost this week... it's a quiet time and that's a good thing,

What I want...

Lately I've been overwhelmed by a Verucca Salt type urge to buy an iPad - "SB, I want a 16G iPad and I want it NOW". With some upcoming tutoring opportunities (and a very generous hubby-to-be that believes I should see some of the fruits of my labour), this might become a reality. I thought in the same little "I want, I want..." vein (or should that be vain? LOL), I'd compile a list of what I'm lusting over at the moment!

1. White 16 Gig iPad - to 3G or not to 3G, that is the question

2. The Natasha Tablet Case from Forever New - how could I not?

3. High-Low Hem Silk Animal Print Dress from Forever New - I would feel so glam in this!

4. A course of microdermabrasion - my skin's texture is just awful at the moment

5. A pair of pants that didn't feel baggy - put on my "tight" jeans today only to find out that they are no longer so... this losing weight bizzo is expensive!

6. A concession pass to yoga lessons - Chandeleah has got me wanting to try hot yoga! I think I might try their hot yin class first!

7. A new swimsuit - nothing too sexy, something that will hold the "girls" in place while doing aquarobics... I very nearly had a wardrobe malfunction last session!

8. A new home office set-up - this will definitely have to wait until the business makes some money!

Phew, it feels good to get that all out! I don't feel quite as needy anymore! In my experience, when you put it out there it's far more likely to happen - whether you believe it's God or the universe, I'm sure you've had a similar experience!

What are you wanting at the moment, Scribblettes?

400th post!

Can you guess what the special news I promised is? Yes, SB liked and he put a ring on it! Last Saturday, to be precise. I'm kind of amazed, in this digital age, that we managed to keep it under wraps for so long! It was really important for us to be able to tell some of our most important people face to face; to our friends and family's credit, they seemed to take that to heart and contain their excitement. Who knows what would have happened if we'd asked them to wait another week? LOL.

More details to come soon :)

Long in the keyboard...

This is my 399th post! That in itself kind of blows my mind - that I've written that much in what seems to me to be a short amount of time. It's really not though, I first started writing Scribbles back in the middle of 2008. Back then, I'd returned to university and was struggling through my first year missing my full-time income, working in an arts centre and reading extensively through my English-heavy arts diploma. I was still getting over my break-up with Ex-S, coming to terms with living at home and it was the year that Mama Scribbles was first diagnosed with cancer.

Now I'm a fully-fledged teacher and the days of study are behind me. I've met a wonderful man and we've been together over two years; he makes me realise what utter douchebags most of the guys from my past were. We live together (in sin LOL) in a house that we have made our home. Our friends' lives have changed too - marriages, babies, even the odd divorce or two. Mama Scribbles has been in remission twice and is learning to live with her cancer now as a chronic condition. I read back on my old blog posts with a smile for the me I used to be... I don't feel like that person anymore :)

At dinner the other week with Bronwen, we discussed how old we were compared to other bloggers... we're possibly the first generation ever to post our diaries online LOL. I don't know in future whether Scribbles will be the right avenue for me to continue on with... but I know that it suits me still for now. I love all of you that read and as such, be prepared for a massive 400th post!

New house love...

SB and I moved into our new house a week ago. While there were multiple hitches with the move (including being without phone for four days and internet for over a week), it's been amazing how quickly this little place has felt like home. There's definitely been some interesting moments - SB discovered how quick the little nut-like pods from a tree whoosh out the side of the mower. I came down with asthma and bronchitis so became very familiar with the view from our lounge. We've both discovered the limits of our wee kitchen but have managed to squeeze everything in.

I've been trying to figure out why this place feels more like home, so soon after we've moved in. I've come up with three reasons.

1. This is our second house together. Post first move we were still trying to figure out the jigsaw of living together FOR REALS. This time our routines are all sorted, we know what goes where and I'm more ready to relinquish the reins of getting everything sorted.

2. There's a school over our back fence and we're not next to a Housing New Zealand project. It's been nice on my sick days to look out over nice green sportsfields and see kids go mental on the playground. Having neighbours who own their properties mean that they are much more likely to be friendly to us. I was amazed to arrive home one day last week and have the next-door neighbours daughter yell "Hi" from the balcony.

3. We know our landlord, she trusts us and we pretty much have free reign over what we want to do with the place (within reason of course). It made the move in process so much easier!

Whatever the reason, we're really pleased with our little home. We're having a small dinner party this weekend and then a bigger bash in November (hopefully better weather) to warm our wee house but it's feeling pretty snug and cosy already!

I like the way you mo-ove!

Things are all in a flurry at the Scribbles Homestead. The time has simply flown since we made our decision to move and we're currently in the last phases of packing before the big shift happens on Friday. I'm lucky that work has been incredibly lenient and giving me a short day on Thursday and Friday off completely - being a teacher usually means that annual leave is taken when students are on holiday.

It's awkward to live in a half-packed state - we have to leave some of the packing until the last minute because we are still using the items. I have big respect for bloggers like Andrea and Jen who have managed international moves... we're busy just trying to move down the street. It has been good to revisit our new place and plan where everything will go. We realised that the wardrobes actually have some amazing shelving units on and can really see how suitable the place will be for us in summer - we love to entertain!

This past weekend hasn't been without drama. My sister lives at the Burnham Military Camp outside of Christchurch and had just got home from Friday night clubbing when the earthquake hit. She is fine and their house has maintained structural integrity but they were without power until Sunday night. Combine that with some well-meaning but annoying interference from the FMIL... can't wait until Sunday morning when we're relaxing in our new place!

Be careful what you wish for...

My life is soooo dull... yeah right.

So life stepped up about a million notches since the last time I wrote. After feeling like I wanted things to happen, they did. And they weren't quiet about it!

In the last week or so:

• SB and I have started seriously considering into the rental property of a friend's mother. While literally only just down the road, the thought of moving brings round a zillion other thoughts. We're hoping to view this weekend to make our final decision.
• ERO is coming to visit the school I work out. It's basically like a massive audit all NZ schools have to go to about once every three years and it is a freakin' nightmare. In theory, it would be fine and we would just be business as normal. For those of you who have ever worked in a school, you'll know how much admin falls by the wayside so you can actually, you know, teach. This week has seen everyone from senior management down fluff up the pillows (so to speak) and so the instructions and updates have been rolling in thick and fast
• In answer to an email from one HOD (I report to two separate heads of department), I said that I would work on a lesson plan to teach a unit. I meant just for me, turns out she took it to mean for all three teachers that are taking the unit. Guess what I just spent the last two hours doing?
• Teaching the "now" generation - they finished their creative writing assessment on Tuesday. Today in class: "Miss, have you marked my creative writing yet?" No sorry, I'm too busy trying to have a life with a side of nervous breakdown.
• A job has just been advertised in the school I work in and I want to apply - it's permanent, I'm currently on contract. So I'm cracking on to getting an application sorted.
• Trying to sort accommodation for New Years somewhere vaguely near a beach. Word to the wise... don't do it.
• Had plans to get a relaxing pedi this afternoon only to realise as I was leaving work that I had pants on that I couldn't push up my leg. Going pantless in a mall nail salon, not an option. Gah, postponed!

Hope that you are having a more peaceful time than I am! If you are in a tizzy like me, Scribblettes, let a sister know!

High School Mixtape

A lot of my friends have been joining a group on Facebook that you like "when a song reminds you of a person, a place, a memory"... coincidentally, I had just such a moment on the way to watch SATC2 with a friend at the movies last night. One of Ice Cube's songs came on the radio and I was instantly back in 2002, my seventh form (Year 13/last year of school) year, partying underage and grinding up against strangers on the dance floor... such a tease. I thought it would be fun to make a blog mix tape of songs that were important to me in high school - let you guys get to know more about the me of the past.

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris:3rd and 4th form, I was very much a "Top of the Pops" sort of girl. I didn't do a lot of searching for music, just listened to a couple of music shows on TV and followed the general trend.

Eminem - Stan: Started dating FirstLove. His music tastes a little darker, more rock than pop. Around the same time, my first exposure to Linkin Park.

Linkin Park - In the End: FirstLove says he wants this played at his funeral and he plans on dying young and leaving a good-looking corpse. He didn't, but this should have been ringing alarm bells for me that we didn't want the same things out of life LOL.

Public Domain - Bass In The Place: Introduction into the world of house music and techno.

Darude - Sandstorm: Reminds me of movement (dance) routines in drama class, some of my most enjoyable classes in high school.

Train - Drops of Jupiter: First heartbreak. Thought the world would end. It didn't.

Ice Cube - You Can Do It/Eve - Ladies: Drinking underage, partying hearty being single for the first time in my adult life. Learning how to bump and grind. Little bit of a surprise that the radio was playing Ice Cube as a old school throwback song... guess I'm really getting old!

Funny how songs can take you back so quickly to those awkward teenage years. Some songs full of joy, others full of sadness. Would love to hear your stories - what songs take you back?

Standing up for yourself

Do you ever have those moments when you are paralysed in the moment that you should stand up for yourself? As much as I consider myself a confident modern woman, I don't show it. I don't have a problem with talking to friends but when it comes to colleagues or superiors... I just don't. I sit on my issues and mull over it, I try and make an excuse so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm happy to confront my students but full blown adults? Not so much.

Yesterday, I had an incident happen at school and did not have the support that I had expected nor the help that I required at that point in time from people in superior positions to my own. I sat in my class after school filing the necessary paperwork with tears welling in my eyes. I moved some stuff into the staff workroom and returned to my class to get some more. I must have looked like I wanted to die because one of my colleagues followed me back to the class room, where she hugged me and I proceeded to cry it out on her shoulder.

This wasn't the end of it... I was dwelling on it as I was at my parents using their printer. I was dwelling on it over my dinner that SB made me and the glass of wine I had to drown my sorrows. It was still on my mind as I went to bed. I didn't feel like talking over the incident with my head of department - I was still too angry. How could I get out of our weekly meeting? I wasn't in the mood.

I woke up this morning and it struck me - just be honest. I caught my HOD before school and told her that I'd had a really bad class the day before, that I'd been pissed off all yesterday evening and I still didn't really feel like I have the perspective to talk about it today. Reaction: understanding, happy to postpone, "we've all been there" look on her face. Right, next step, email the people I feel have let me down. Yes, they are quite senior to me in position... but what is the worst that can happen? I'm on a fixed-term contract, I can move on. I need to focus on what the best-case scenario is - working conditions I can tolerate and support I need.

Scribblettes, do you find yourself stuck when trying to stand up for yourself? How do you push through it?

New Job Haze

Do you find, upon starting a new job, that you feel completely drained?

Don't get me wrong, I love my new job. The kids aren't perfect - to be honest, sometimes they can be darn hard work - but it's still more rewarding than any other job that I've had. There are some really great people in my department and the deputy principal in charge of newbie teachers has checked in every day to make sure I am settling in well. It's been an overwhelming experience of meeting over 100 people in three days - and that's just the students, not the teachers.

The problem with all of this is that I get home absolutely exhausted. School day ends, I wrap up my work for the day (choosing something small to bring home if necessary), come home, crash, cook dinner, crash again. I was so excited this afternoon when I actually managed to do some laundry. Seems pathetic I know. Whenever this happens, I get really nervous that this is how I am going to be in perpetuity... it's never the case, and I don't see this time being any different... I just wish I had a better way to get through it.

Any tips, Scribblettes?

Wish me luck...

Sign as you drive off the ferry into Waiheke (Slow Down, You're Here)... hoping that I can do the same if all goes well (own photo).

Can't say why... don't want to jinx it... but could do with all thoughts, prayers and sparkly vibes tomorrow :)

Being alternative doesn't always pay...

Literally.

With the relief teaching and some casual shifts at my old arts centre job, ends should finally be meeting. New Zealand is slightly odd in charging you higher income tax on whatever job you take in addition to your main job. Working for the Ministry of Education (who pays all teachers in New Zealand) is considered my first job and taxed at the appropriate level for my income generated while the arts centre job is taxed at 33%. Still, as a couple we can still manage.

Unless I don't get paid.

Approached in the staff room today by the Payroll Officer of High School #1, I was told that she had forgotten to submit all relievers' pay. Ergo, a full week worked at said high school would not be paid next pay day (I worked at High School #2 the following week for three days and get paid fortnightly) and was that okay?

I don't like to make people feel bad, but I had to tell her that it was not okay. I have to make my half of the rent, my half of the bills, my half of the groceries. My parents have been generous to me up to now but are having to help my sister out with payment for her car as well as having car problems of their own. As SB and I are only in a dating relationship (not engaged, married, etc) I feel uncomfortable about asking him to shoulder any extra costs. It's not okay... I need the money and I need to be paid it when it was meant to be paid.

I try not to pity myself - I know there are parts of being a teacher that I miss out on due to the path I have taken. Being paid automatically is only a very small perk. I miss out on getting to plan my own classes. I miss out on being able to build relationships with students and having the same influence over them that their classroom teacher has. But when I made the resolution for February that I was going to be more proactive, I made the decision that relief teaching was better than no teaching.

The school has petty cash that may be able to cover this... but now, we wait.

Quarter of a century!

"So when did you come to this high school, Miss?"

"Way back when we kept a stegosaurus on the back field and had T-Rex drills instead of fire drills - fire hadn't been invented yet"

"Ha ha ha ha seriously, miss?"

"No, but it took a lot longer to get to school in a horse and cart in those days..."

It's quite funny how much you can pull students' legs as to how old you are. My Year 9s from last year still stick by the fact they think I'm thirty, whereas I've also been asked if I've had my twenty-first birthday. I still get IDed at the supermarket for buying alcohol (must be over eighteen) yet some mornings I feel as stiff as a pensioner. I don't have a wedding ring or children so I must be young. I have three university-level qualifications so I must be old.

But as of today, I am twenty-five! It's a bit quiet just for today - haven't been called into teach today and the lovely SB is at work, as are most of my friends. I had my family birthday lunch yesterday as today is Mama Scribbles' first day at uni (she's tackling a four year social work degree, looking to major in health and disability advocacy) and I know she'll be knackered tonight. We're still in the process of unpacking - shocker, I know - so having a big party at our place isn't really a go either. With dear friends' wedding taking up the earlier part of March (not to mention our anniversary trip this weekend) we won't be having our joint birthday/housewarming party til the end of this month. Still, I'm enjoying the Facebook messages and looking forward to having dinner with my lovely boy tonight.