It's safe to say that I've been overwhelmed by the new job... and at this point I can't quite pinpoint why. I'm certainly not alone - the other teachers who started at the school at the same time as me feel similarly rushed off their feet, whether this is their first year teaching or whether they have been teaching for over five years. If I'm being honest, I'm a little disappointed. I thought that this was going to be the right place for me and I'm increasingly feeling like a round peg in a square hole. I know that there are lessons I'm meant to be learning here (there always are, wherever you find yourself), but they aren't apparent yet.
It's not all doom and gloom though. Despite the turmoil I've managed to maintain my weight at the lowest it has been in five years. I'm only 7 kg away from my first goal weight at which point I will have lost 25kg (that's like a five-year-old, right?). We've managed to go on a couple of spectacular all-day dates, one to the Devonport Wine & Food Festival and one to Hamilton for fabulous Mexican food and a walk around the Gardens. I turn 27 tomorrow and I'm still alive. Despite her treatment setbacks, so is Mama Scribs. We're getting married in just over 90 days and we're looking for a new rental closer to where we would like to settle down.
I guess it all comes back to that Balance word. I feel like I'm nowhere near where I want to be at the moment but at least I feel like I'm making progress. It's like that shampoo ad that shall remain nameless... it won't happen overnight, but it will happen!
So excited!
The darling Em of Lick My Cupcakes is coming to New Zealand this week and we get to have dinner with her (and her lovely man) on Friday! She was one of my first lady-blogger friends and it will be great to finally have a big smooshy cuddle with her in person!
Who wouldn't wanna hang with these cool kids?
I think I could have happily lived in the 50s...
It's now just one week until I go back to work. I think back to the middle of November and how big the chasm of time felt, the time when I was going to be "funemployed". Two and a half months seems like a really long time but it has just gone by in a flash. I know it sounds cliche but it is totally true.
I really worried that I'd feel unfulfilled while staying at home. The financial side of things has been harder - while we certainly haven't struggled, we haven't had a lot of disposable income either and I will have to catch up on my contributions to our wedding account that I would have made in the time I had off (about $1500). What surprised me is how little not working mattered to my sense of self.
A few of my friends who have had children lately feel a loss of a sense of self when not working - that who they are in their job is a large part of their identity and an identity that they can no longer affiliate themselves with. I haven't felt the same. While I love teaching, it isn't as much of my identity as I thought and the desire to teach flows out in different ways when I'm not in a classroom.
This got me to thinking about the future. We hope that we're blessed enough to be able to have children. We've always assumed that I will stay home if financially possible because we both had SAHM/WAHM mothers when we were young. This time has made me realize that I would be blissfully happy to do that if we have the opportunity; something my thirteen-year old self would have been horrified by.
As modern women we can have it all, or we can have the parts we want. Part of me wants to be a 50s housewife staying home with my (possible future) children, cleaning and cooking lovely meals for my man and that should be no less judged than the woman who choses to go back to work.
Scribblettes, when you look into your future, what do you see?
Normal?
So... I'm going to try on wedding dresses tomorrow. Squee right?
So I'm stuck wondering why I'm not feeling so squee.
I wonder whether it's because I'm not yet the size I'd hoped to be when I first went dress shopping. I don't think that anyone should tie their sense of worth (and their beauty as a bride) to a dress size, but I'd hoped to lose all my weight in a year - at 30 kg from my largest, maybe I should have been more realistic. I'm now hoping to be 7 kg lighter than I am now by the time the wedding and at my goal weight by my weight loss anniversary in November, an additional 5 kg.
I'm also wondering whether... well... I don't care so much. I want a pretty dress but I really don't have many of the details set in stone. White or off-white, silhouettes, sashes, one-strap/two-straps/strapless... I don't really mind! I'm thinking that it will probably be chiffon but I'm certainly not tied to it. I've organized the things that really matter to me and maybe I'm just one of those brides that doesn't care that much about the dress.
I see our day out as a really fun outing with mum and French "sister" C - especially seeing we're taking in "high tea" at the Langham. I'm just hoping I feel a little bit more of the magic once I'm in the dresses!
Monthly Resolutions - Jan
So yesterday I told you about my word for the year and some of you have fantastic words of your own! I think Bridey hit the nail right on the head when she said that you know it's the right word for you when the thought of it scares you a little! So what does balance mean this month?
- Relationship: No phones during meal times (with the exception of when SB is on call) - focus should be on each other at these times and it's a bad habit we've let creep in
- Health: Eating whatever I want as long as I'm under calorie intake for the day - I've started calorie counting to get the rest of the weight off and I know that I should eat healthy but I'm giving myself permission to have whatever food I want within reason. It's working well so far and I don't feel deprived
- Work/Social: Trying to occupy myself at home or within walking distance of home as much as possible - we're feeling the pinch financially with being on one income and still saving for the wedding and I know I will be grateful for this quiet time once everything takes off again.
- Financial: Being honest with friends and family about our ability to do things with them this month that cost a lot of money - we either don't do it or we come up with another solution.
Simple intentions when written down, not quite as easy to do in real life - but it's meant to be a challenge, right?
How are you planning your goals/resolutions/intentions this year? Annually? Monthly?
2012 - the plans
I like to choose a word for each year, a word that will inspire my actions. I almost went with "preparation" because I feel a lot of things we have planned for this year will help prepare us with the future. In saying that, preparation is going to be constantly on my mind and I don't think I'll need a reminder. I like the idea of the word being a reminder of something I don't manage well by myself! My 2012 word is...
I need more balance in my life. In 2011, I tried to "balance" my life by just throwing myself into everything... uh, yeah, not balance. Balance in 2012 means being selective about I do, throwing my FOMO (fear of missing out) out the window, doing what benefits me and my family and being content and grateful for what I do have.
It's an attitude change and one that I think needs to happen for my personal sanity. I know that certain months will be consumed more by certain aspects of life than others (May = Wedding, October = Teaching) and so I'm doing my intentions in a slightly different way. I have some things that I would like to achieve by the end of the year but the breakdown of my goals will be monthly. Each month I will post seven or so things I would like to achieve in order to help me maintain that balance. Let's see how that goes!
Tomorrow I will post January's intentions - I know we're a week in but I have been working on them already, just haven't had time to post (and you'll understand why when you see one of those intentions!) See you tomorrow with the deets!
What's your word for the year?
2011 in Review
Borrowed this from the lovely Leah... it is great to do just for some personal reflection!
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Start planning a wedding, create a joint account with someone, Christmas shopping for the in-laws as well as my own family, go to the trots (and see a friend's dad take out the evening!), celebrate Christmas with my french "sister" C, understood rugby, modelled in a photo shoot... I'm sure there's plenty more but that's what comes to mind!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did well with most of my goals -
- I lost weight - not as much as I had wanted (about 12 kg this year)
- I was more active
- I am a far more organised, decluttered person
- I moisturised more (I'm definitely a lot more vain than I used to be)
- I read (to date) almost 90 books - won't make 100, but better than the 50 I thought was possible.
- I got out of debt
- I did NOT keep clothing purchases under $60, despite my best efforts!
- I did make more and we have had many more home cooked meals this year than in previous years.
For next year I plan on making intentions rather than goals - the things I am aiming for are not necessarily as measurable as those I aimed for this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my bestie! Little J is just the cutest little guy and when I cuddle him it makes my ovaries explode - clucky much?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, a friend from high school died very unexpectedly on his flight back to NZ. It shook many of us who knew him to the core and made us all appreciate that we don't know how long we have on this earth.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, this year was a year of saving for us! We did manage to get in a couple of domestic holidays this year in Northland and in Tauranga as well as a long weekend in Wellington. We will be spending NYE in the Coromandel (1 night in Tairua and 1 night in Whitianga) and we are hoping to get up and visit SB's aunt in Kerikeri some time before the wedding. Then it will be save save save again before the honeymoon!
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Balance... 2011 had some epic highs and epic lows. There were times when I felt that I had very little to do and times when I was working 13-15 hour days. It may be foolish to think that this is possible in a year where we are getting married, but I hope that this year is more balanced than the last.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
22nd of February - SB's birthday and the Christchurch earthquake. I remember sitting at his parents' house, terrified that I had not heard back from some of our friends and thinking the worst. Luckily, everyone was okay!
14th of May - the day we got engaged!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting out of debt (aside from my bulky student loan) - it is a huge burden off my shoulders and makes me feel so much more positive about merging our finances.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not losing more weight - I always knew that PCOS would make the weight loss difficult at some point, and have stagnated around the same weight for three months. I'm now on medication to combat the insulin resistance so I'm hoping to see some positive changes in the new year. I have between 8-18 kgs to go (doctor designated healthy weight range) so would at least like to hit the 8 kg mark before the wedding!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not substantially - I did however do some physio to strengthen what has been a problem knee joint for me ever since I had an accident at 19. I learnt some very interesting things about my body and muscular structure so I think that this was a good thing!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
I really didn't buy a lot this year... hrmmm. I got a fabulous dress at Pagani that looks vastly more expensive than it was and has already had three outings in the three weeks I have had it!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My students who attended night classes to improve their exam results, SB who did not complain when he barely saw me for weeks on end, my cousin who was called back into ICU (previously worked there but is a public health nurse now) on the night of the Christchurch earthquake and dealt with an unimaginable amount of horror and strain.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
All the dirty politicking around the election - it seemed like no party was immune and that just made me sad.
14. Where did most of your money go? Debt repayment - le sigh. But now I am out of overdraft and CC debt and plan to never go back there!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Party Rock Anthem – LMFAO
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder?
Happier, for the most part
b) Thinner or fatter?
Thinner, although nowhere near thin.
c) Richer or poorer?
Richer, both in knowledge/experience AND financially
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise! That's one of the reasons my bubble butt hasn't disappeared.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worry about things that I cannot control
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
It was pretty hectic - bacon sandwiches for breakfast and present opening at our house, Christmas lunch at Mama & Papa Scribs and then Christmas dinner at SB's parents... it's funny to see the cycle move round. Instead of our parents racing everywhere to please everyone, it's us!
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Fell deeper in love, as I hope to be doing each year for the rest of my life.
22. What was your favourite TV programme?
Home and Away - sad, I know! We also started watching Parks & Recreation which I really enjoy!
23. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? No, not really… although I'm finding I have vastly less time for people with negative attitudes and those who expect me to do all the work in the friendship.
24. What was the best book you read?
Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth - a really interesting look at the psychology behind emotional eating. Not as spiritual as the title sounds
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I'm not sure this counts but I was blown away by Nicole Scherzinger singing Christine's role in Phantom of the Opera on the Royal Variety Show... who knew she could actually sing?!
26. What did you want and get?
Engaged to my darling SB - cannot wait to be his wife!
27. What did you want and not get?
An extended contract at the school I was teaching at this year - loved the staff and loved the students. Still, I am grateful that I have been given a permanent position at a new school and will be able to make my home there!
28. What was your favourite film of this year?
X-men First Class - loved seeing how it all began. I also was really intrigued by the movie Moon (released in 2009) and will be using it as my film study with one of my classes next year.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Worked, and I turned 26. When you are a teacher, you don't get your birthday off work. SB's birthday is a week before mine so in the weekend between we had Thai with a group of dear friends.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Reaching my weight loss goal (are you sensing a pattern here?)
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
My French sister told me that I was elegant and I think that sums up what I have been aiming for this year. Modest, understated elegance.
32. What kept you sane?
SB, my blogger friends (including some particular ladies, you know who you are).
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't do wild celebrity crushes but I'll post the attraction that makes SB laugh the most - Patrick Stewart. I could listen to that man talk for hours!
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing really - what irritated me most was when people tried to make things into political issues that weren't.
35. Who did you miss?
I think the people I miss the most are still there, I just miss the closeness that we used to have. It's part of life though, friendships rise and fall and not every single one is forever.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
My Welly girls - it was great finally meeting them face to face, including Leah who I managed to catch before she flew off to her new adventure!
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011
That my personal values include honesty and integrity and that even when it seems counter-intuitive, those values still work for me.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
"Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it" LOL
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