And so I wrap up my single (blog) life...

It's time to bid farewell to this blog - a bittersweet moment. Looking back over the articles (and over the years), my life changed SO much. New job, new man, hundreds of new experiences. As I moved into the married phase of my life, however, it started to feel less like me. I didn't post anywhere near as much... I lost my mojo.

I'm pleased to say, however, it's back! I'd love for you to follow me on my new blog, Sweet Mama M (the title is purely aspirational at the moment, don't worry!). Click through and have a read - I hope you will love it and it would be great to still be blog friends!

Where have you been?

Wow! I haven't made a post since the end of February and we are now in June. The truth is that I never meant to leave it so long but life really did smack me upside the head. I really underestimated how busy life would get with my new job and planning a wedding. It was so overwhelming and the day after the wedding I was so tired that I looked like I had a stroke!

In saying that, I did have the best time and I'm so glad that SB is finally my husband - even if he got the flu the week after our wedding :). And what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't give you a few sneak peeks of guest photos - we're still waiting on our pro pics and video to get back.

It sort of feels like the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and as such, I'll be phasing out Scribbles as my blogging vehicle over the next year and starting to blog at a currently secret location. Continue to follow me here for sporadic posts here and there and a big announcement when the new blog goes public!

February, I hardly knew you...

It's safe to say that I've been overwhelmed by the new job... and at this point I can't quite pinpoint why. I'm certainly not alone - the other teachers who started at the school at the same time as me feel similarly rushed off their feet, whether this is their first year teaching or whether they have been teaching for over five years. If I'm being honest, I'm a little disappointed. I thought that this was going to be the right place for me and I'm increasingly feeling like a round peg in a square hole. I know that there are lessons I'm meant to be learning here (there always are, wherever you find yourself), but they aren't apparent yet.

It's not all doom and gloom though. Despite the turmoil I've managed to maintain my weight at the lowest it has been in five years. I'm only 7 kg away from my first goal weight at which point I will have lost 25kg (that's like a five-year-old, right?). We've managed to go on a couple of spectacular all-day dates, one to the Devonport Wine & Food Festival and one to Hamilton for fabulous Mexican food and a walk around the Gardens. I turn 27 tomorrow and I'm still alive. Despite her treatment setbacks, so is Mama Scribs. We're getting married in just over 90 days and we're looking for a new rental closer to where we would like to settle down.

I guess it all comes back to that Balance word. I feel like I'm nowhere near where I want to be at the moment but at least I feel like I'm making progress. It's like that shampoo ad that shall remain nameless... it won't happen overnight, but it will happen!

So excited!

The darling Em of Lick My Cupcakes is coming to New Zealand this week and we get to have dinner with her (and her lovely man) on Friday! She was one of my first lady-blogger friends and it will be great to finally have a big smooshy cuddle with her in person!

Who wouldn't wanna hang with these cool kids?

I think I could have happily lived in the 50s...

It's now just one week until I go back to work. I think back to the middle of November and how big the chasm of time felt, the time when I was going to be "funemployed". Two and a half months seems like a really long time but it has just gone by in a flash. I know it sounds cliche but it is totally true.

I really worried that I'd feel unfulfilled while staying at home. The financial side of things has been harder - while we certainly haven't struggled, we haven't had a lot of disposable income either and I will have to catch up on my contributions to our wedding account that I would have made in the time I had off (about $1500). What surprised me is how little not working mattered to my sense of self.

A few of my friends who have had children lately feel a loss of a sense of self when not working - that who they are in their job is a large part of their identity and an identity that they can no longer affiliate themselves with. I haven't felt the same. While I love teaching, it isn't as much of my identity as I thought and the desire to teach flows out in different ways when I'm not in a classroom.

This got me to thinking about the future. We hope that we're blessed enough to be able to have children. We've always assumed that I will stay home if financially possible because we both had SAHM/WAHM mothers when we were young. This time has made me realize that I would be blissfully happy to do that if  we have the opportunity; something my thirteen-year old self would have been horrified by.

As modern women we can have it all, or we can have the parts we want. Part of me wants to be a 50s housewife staying home with my (possible future) children, cleaning and cooking lovely meals for my man and that should be no less judged than the woman who choses to go back to work.

Scribblettes, when you look into your future, what do you see?

Normal?

So... I'm going to try on wedding dresses tomorrow. Squee right? 

So I'm stuck wondering why I'm not feeling so squee.

I wonder whether it's because I'm not yet the size I'd hoped to be when I first went dress shopping. I don't think that anyone should tie their sense of worth (and their beauty as a bride) to a dress size, but I'd hoped to lose all my weight in a year - at 30 kg from my largest, maybe I should have been more realistic. I'm now hoping to be 7 kg lighter than I am now by the time the wedding and at my goal weight by my weight loss anniversary in November, an additional 5 kg.

I'm also wondering whether... well... I don't care so much. I want a pretty dress but I really don't have many of the details set in stone. White or off-white, silhouettes, sashes, one-strap/two-straps/strapless... I don't really mind! I'm thinking that it will probably be chiffon but I'm certainly not tied to it. I've organized the things that really matter to me and maybe I'm just one of those brides that doesn't care that much about the dress.

I see our day out as a really fun outing with mum and French "sister" C - especially seeing we're taking in "high tea" at the Langham. I'm just hoping I feel a little bit more of the magic once I'm in the dresses!

Monthly Resolutions - Jan

So yesterday I told you about my word for the year and some of you have fantastic words of your own! I think Bridey hit the nail right on the head when she said that you know it's the right word for you when the thought of it scares you a little! So what does balance mean this month?

• Relationship: No phones during meal times (with the exception of when SB is on call) - focus should be on each other at these times and it's a bad habit we've let creep in
• Health: Eating whatever I want as long as I'm under calorie intake for the day - I've started calorie counting to get the rest of the weight off and I know that I should eat healthy but I'm giving myself permission to have whatever food I want within reason. It's working well so far and I don't feel deprived
• Work/Social: Trying to occupy myself at home or within walking distance of home as much as possible - we're feeling the pinch financially with being on one income and still saving for the wedding and I know I will be grateful for this quiet time once everything takes off again.
• Financial: Being honest with friends and family about our ability to do things with them this month that cost a lot of money - we either don't do it or we come up with another solution.

Simple intentions when written down, not quite as easy to do in real life - but it's meant to be a challenge, right?

How are you planning your goals/resolutions/intentions this year? Annually? Monthly?

2012 - the plans

I like to choose a word for each year, a word that will inspire my actions. I almost went with "preparation" because I feel a lot of things we have planned for this year will help prepare us with the future. In saying that, preparation is going to be constantly on my mind and I don't think I'll need a reminder. I like the idea of the word being a reminder of something I don't manage well by myself! My 2012 word is...

I need more balance in my life. In 2011, I tried to "balance" my life by just throwing myself into everything... uh, yeah, not balance. Balance in 2012 means being selective about I do, throwing my FOMO (fear of missing out) out the window, doing what benefits me and my family and being content and grateful for what I do have.

It's an attitude change and one that I think needs to happen for my personal sanity. I know that certain months will be consumed more by certain aspects of life than others (May = Wedding, October = Teaching) and so I'm doing my intentions in a slightly different way. I have some things that I would like to achieve by the end of the year but the breakdown of my goals will be monthly. Each month I will post seven or so things I would like to achieve in order to help me maintain that balance. Let's see how that goes!

Tomorrow I will post January's intentions - I know we're a week in but I have been working on them already, just haven't had time to post (and you'll understand why when you see one of those intentions!) See you tomorrow with the deets!

What's your word for the year?

2011 in Review

Borrowed this from the lovely Leah... it is great to do just for some personal reflection!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? 

Start planning a wedding, create a joint account with someone, Christmas shopping for the in-laws as well as my own family, go to the trots (and see a friend's dad take out the evening!), celebrate Christmas with my french "sister" C, understood rugby, modelled in a photo shoot... I'm sure there's plenty more but that's what comes to mind!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

I did well with most of my goals - 

• I lost weight - not as much as I had wanted (about 12 kg this year)
• I was more active
• I am a far more organised, decluttered person
• I moisturised more (I'm definitely a lot more vain than I used to be)
• I read (to date) almost 90 books - won't make 100, but better than the 50 I thought was possible.
• I got out of debt
• I did NOT keep clothing purchases under $60, despite my best efforts!
• I did make more and we have had many more home cooked meals this year than in previous years.

For next year I plan on making intentions rather than goals - the things I am aiming for are not necessarily as measurable as those I aimed for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

Yes, my bestie! Little J is just the cutest little guy and when I cuddle him it makes my ovaries explode - clucky much?

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Yes, a friend from high school died very unexpectedly on his flight back to NZ. It shook many of us who knew him to the core and made us all appreciate that we don't know how long we have on this earth.

5. What countries did you visit? 

None, this year was a year of saving for us! We did manage to get in a couple of domestic holidays this year in Northland and in Tauranga as well as a long weekend in Wellington. We will be spending NYE in the Coromandel (1 night in Tairua and 1 night in Whitianga) and we are hoping to get up and visit SB's aunt in Kerikeri some time before the wedding. Then it will be save save save again before the honeymoon!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? 

Balance... 2011 had some epic highs and epic lows. There were times when I felt that I had very little to do and times when I was working 13-15 hour days. It may be foolish to think that this is possible in a year where we are getting married, but I hope that this year is more balanced than the last.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

22nd of February - SB's birthday and the Christchurch earthquake. I remember sitting at his parents' house, terrified that I had not heard back from some of our friends and thinking the worst. Luckily, everyone was okay!

14th of May - the day we got engaged! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Getting out of debt (aside from my bulky student loan) - it is a huge burden off my shoulders and makes me feel so much more positive about merging our finances.

9. What was your biggest failure? 

Not losing more weight - I always knew that PCOS would make the weight loss difficult at some point, and have stagnated around the same weight for three months. I'm now on medication to combat the insulin resistance so I'm hoping to see some positive changes in the new year. I have between 8-18 kgs to go (doctor designated healthy weight range) so would at least like to hit the 8 kg mark before the wedding!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

Not substantially - I did however do some physio to strengthen what has been a problem knee joint for me ever since I had an accident at 19. I learnt some very interesting things about my body and muscular structure so I think that this was a good thing!

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

I really didn't buy a lot this year... hrmmm. I got a fabulous dress at Pagani that looks vastly more expensive than it was and has already had three outings in the three weeks I have had it!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My students who attended night classes to improve their exam results, SB who did not complain when he barely saw me for weeks on end, my cousin who was called back into ICU (previously worked there but is a public health nurse now) on the night of the Christchurch earthquake and dealt with an unimaginable amount of horror and strain.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? 

All the dirty politicking around the election - it seemed like no party was immune and that just made me sad.

14. Where did most of your money go? Debt repayment - le sigh. But now I am out of overdraft and CC debt and plan to never go back there!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Party Rock Anthem – LMFAO

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder?

Happier, for the most part

b) Thinner or fatter?

Thinner, although nowhere near thin.

c) Richer or poorer?

Richer, both in knowledge/experience AND financially

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Exercise! That's one of the reasons my bubble butt hasn't disappeared.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Worry about things that I cannot control

20. How will you be spending Christmas? 

It was pretty hectic - bacon sandwiches for breakfast and present opening at our house, Christmas lunch at Mama & Papa Scribs and then Christmas dinner at SB's parents... it's funny to see the cycle move round. Instead of our parents racing everywhere to please everyone, it's us!

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Fell deeper in love, as I hope to be doing each year for the rest of my life.

22. What was your favourite TV programme? 

Home and Away - sad, I know! We also started watching Parks & Recreation which I really enjoy!

23. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? No, not really… although I'm finding I have vastly less time for people with negative attitudes and those who expect me to do all the work in the friendship.

24. What was the best book you read? 

Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth - a really interesting look at the psychology behind emotional eating. Not as spiritual as the title sounds

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm not sure this counts but I was blown away by Nicole Scherzinger singing Christine's role in Phantom of the Opera on the Royal Variety Show... who knew she could actually sing?!

26. What did you want and get? 

Engaged to my darling SB - cannot wait to be his wife!

27. What did you want and not get?

An extended contract at the school I was teaching at this year - loved the staff and loved the students. Still, I am grateful that I have been given a permanent position at a new school and will be able to make my home there!

28. What was your favourite film of this year? 

X-men First Class - loved seeing how it all began. I also was really intrigued by the movie Moon (released in 2009) and will be using it as my film study with one of my classes next year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 

Worked, and I turned 26. When you are a teacher, you don't get your birthday off work. SB's birthday is a week before mine so in the weekend between we had Thai with a group of dear friends.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Reaching my weight loss goal (are you sensing a pattern here?)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

My French sister told me that I was elegant and I think that sums up what I have been aiming for this year. Modest, understated elegance.

32. What kept you sane? 

SB, my blogger friends (including some particular ladies, you know who you are).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

I don't do wild celebrity crushes but I'll post the attraction that makes SB laugh the most - Patrick Stewart. I could listen to that man talk for hours!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Nothing really - what irritated me most was when people tried to make things into political issues that weren't.

35. Who did you miss? 

I think the people I miss the most are still there, I just miss the closeness that we used to have. It's part of life though, friendships rise and fall and not every single one is forever.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 

My Welly girls - it was great finally meeting them face to face, including Leah who I managed to catch before she flew off to her new adventure!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011 

That my personal values include honesty and integrity and that even when it seems counter-intuitive, those values still work for me.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

"Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it" LOL

A week to go 'til Christmas

SB and I have no plans today and it feels marvellous. Knowing us, it's still a time to get things done (and get the house in apple-pie order - nothing sexier than a guy cleaning the oven, even if it is because he spilt pizza all over it last night!) but we can go at our own pace and be relaxed - and that's fantastic! The days ahead are busy with final preparations for Christmas, helping Mama Scribs prepare the house, spending time with my lovely french "sister" C and visiting wee J (clucky much?). And just because I don't like making things easy for myself, I'm changing up my lifestyle.

I've started a new medication for my PCOS and it has had some interesting side effects! PCOS sufferers often suffer from insulin resistance, making it harder for them to lose weight. I've plateaued with my weight loss and so in conjunction with my doctors, I made the decision to start taking a drug (Metformin), commonly used for diabetics. While it's a common prescription for PCOS women (if you are not on the pill, you're likely to be on Metformin and I'm on both), it's considered an off-label use; basically, we know it works but we aren't willing to do the official clinical trials required to put it on the label. Ergo, most of the information about side effects available is for diabetes patients! Luckily, an online PCOS forum made me realise I'm not alone in my side effect...

HOT FLUSHES

Yes, that's right, in adjusting my hormone levels, it's making me heat up like a menopausal woman. Interesting to say the least! I think that's the reason I had to take a nap before going out yesterday afternoon - running hot and cold all day during a humid Auckland afternoon is exhausting! Given that the side effects can be far more debilitating, I'll take that. Especially my PCOS sister seem to think that it is a temporary thing :)

So hopefully this kick-starts my weight loss even over Christmas, with all the delicious food. I can already notice a diminished appetite and zero cravings so that's gotta be a good thing! Will be squeezing myself into wedding dresses come January and it would be great to lose at least four kilos by then!

December Rush!

I don't know about everyone else, but my run up to Christmas has just been insane. Yesterday was the first day that I had nothing on since the start of the month (and that was only because the Women in Business event I was going to was cancelled) and I was so exhausted I slept in until 2 pm! I can't remember doing that since I was in my teens!

So what's been going on for us in December?

• Helping Mama Scribs tidy and organise her house in preparation for my "exchange sisters" arrival (lucky her, she gets my Bee Of Service skills for free)
• Getting a few loose ends tied up for Bee of Service, now in hiatus til after Christmas
• Hanging out with my bestie, having pedicures and going for beach walks before baby arrived
• Throwing our annual Christmas BBQ
• Bachelorette Day Out with gorgeous friend J, doing a scavenger hunt in Auckland City then celebrating throughout the afternoon in a vineyard on Waiheke Island
• Attending a Year 8 mixer of all the contributing schools to my new high school - they had all been learning to ballroom dance and it was so adorable!
• Spending a day learning about the new school's peer support programme and finding out about some of the more interesting characters in my new form class
• Finding out my bestie had given birth to her new little boy and literally squealing - for those of you who know me IRL, you know I'm not a squealer (btw, my cluckiness has hit new heights!)
• Trying out a new hair salon and loving it - have found a new hair home!
• Spending time with my adorable friend Ange - she's a make-up artist so we caught up with all the goss while she did my makeup for...
• Watching J & V get married and have the cutest little reception up in the Waitakere Ranges - the view was amazing, we even got to see the Christmas in the Park fireworks (although they looked tiny from so far away
• Fulfilling our church service obligations - we're on the greeting roster which is fun, we just get to say hi to everyone and hand out programmes as they enter.
• BBQ for Papa Scribs' birthday - just great to spend that time with the family
• Going to the hospital twice to visit the new baby - so adorable and squidgy. Very cool to be back in the place of my birth too!
• Spending two days on a professional development course on how to raise Maori achievement in high schools - to be perfectly honest, I had thought that, given my background, it wouldn't be of that much use to me but it's really opened my eyes to some of those conversations I have with students in my classroom.
• Attending the Foo Fighters concert - it pissed down with rain and I am so grateful to my bonus brother (future bro-in-law) for packing some plastic sheets. I ripped a head hole in one and managed to stay vaguely dry LOL. The concert was well worth it though!

No wonder I needed a solid sleep! The 2 pm things sounds really bad but in my defence, I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m. after the Foos - had to drop Bonus Brother home and then have a shower to warm up before bed!

There's still plenty to look forward to in the December Rush too:

Dinner with old uni mates - SB's work do at the races - Cupcakes and Cocktails party for my dear friend Missy - more cuddles with babies - my exchange sisters arriving in NZ - midnight mass on Christmas eve (tradition for SB and I) - Christmas Day - the Boxing Day Blowout party that's tradition in my fam - Mama Scrib's Birthday & New Year's Eve (haven't the foggiest what we are doing to celebrate that yet!)

A weighty subject - the winds of change!

What a difference a year makes! We were up in the Bay of Islands for our summer vacation over the new year. I was sunburnt and I used that as an excuse for not feeling well but the reality was that my body (and this was nothing new to me) was just not coping with the strain of humidity and heat. Siestas or trips in the air-conditioned car were almost a necessity to get through the day. I didn't climb a hill at Cape Reinga because I thought it would be too hard and I was already loathing the walk back in the sun to our car. I look back now and I'm disappointed in myself that I had let things get to that point. In January of this year I had already lost five kilograms from my biggest size but I was still so limited, not only by by the weight but by my mind.

Now? Now I don't let much hold me back. I love going for a walk and am so glad to have a new buddy who can come for daytime walks with me. Even though I was completely inappropriately dressed, I walked 7 kms yesterday - because I wanted to. I'm not afraid to sweat and I certainly don't feel ill when I am hot. A further eleven kilos down,  I'm not yet at my goal but I feel healthy - it feels good. I'm looking forward to summer rather than loathing the heat and hope that, by kicking up the exercise over the next couple of months, I can enjoy the final months of 2012 Summer at a healthy, happy weight! Twenty-five kilos in a year and half - I can do it!

The Housewifely Routine

My contract wrapped up on Monday so for now I am officially unemployed. Don't feel sad though - very exciting things are happening on the job front for both of us - just a matter of signing paperwork now! It still means, however, that I have around nine weeks of "down time" ahead and the changes in SB's job mean it is unlikely he is going to be able to take much time off at all! Our beach holiday plans have gone down the can.

So what's a girl to do when she's on her own for a few weeks? If she's a nerdy super-planner like me, she makes a routine!

I'm wanting to embrace all the opportunities available to me - I doubt that there will be any time in the future where I will be as free to chase those opportunities as I am now (with my stupendously wonderful fiance's support). I'm also wanting to remain flexible - Bestie is on maternity leave in two weeks and I want to be as available as I can be to her and to my mum as she starts her new chemo.  Thus - the guidelines!

The weekends take care of themselves! We don't have a single weekend day free between now and Christmas and I'm so looking forward to the fun those events will entail! It's the weekdays that have the potential to drive me mental! I do deserve some time to relax - especially after the insanity of the last ten or so weeks - but I don't want to settle into the complacency of slothfulness! Likewise, I want to get some big days out in but I do need to be aware of budget - we are a one-income household as my holiday pay has already been earmarked for different things. So....

Each week will have 1-2 Weekday As, 2-3 Weekday Bs and 1 Big Day Out - in theory. Let me show you how this works for next week:

Monday - Weekday B (meeting up with @marytairua in the afternoon!)

Tuesday  - Varied Weekday B (helping Mum out with getting their house in order for C to come and stay)

Wednesday - Weekday C (heading into the city, meeting up with several different friends, big walks once in town)

Thursday - Weekday A

Friday - Work (another weekday type that will occasionally be slotted in, not frequently enough to be on the list)

Some people can be laissez-faire and blow wherever the wind blows... I just can't. I think that the routine will really help me gain everything I need out of this sabbatical from the "busy life".

So do you think I'm a giant nerd? Do you plan out your holiday time this way? How do you ensure that you have balance?

All quiet on the writing front...

I haven't written for a while lately - mainly cause I don't know what the heck is going on!

Our little family has been put into a massive state of flux in the last fortnight or so with job opportunities and decisions having to be made, values to be reassessed and our mini-family to think about. As you can imagine, our evenings (when not consumed with work and our other commitments) are being absorbed by big, deep and meaningful discussions while we decide the best path forward.

SB and I are still madly in love and I'm so lucky to have him by my side as we stand at this fork in the road and decide which path to take. I'll be back in a week or so and hopefully be able to tell you more about what we have decided - cryptic I know, but all will become clear.

The Road not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

A follow up to the Anxiety post

Saw this the other day and it did make this frazzled girl smile... although I've done a remarkable job of remaining zen at work while wanting to karate kick people across a room!

Anxiety

They say you can't get away from your problems but I think that I managed to do it, at least for a little while, in Wellington. Maybe the walking all day just left me so physically exhausted that I had no choice but to fall asleep at night... maybe it was the booze LOL. I slept solidly through each night - no longer the case now that we're at home.

At the doctor's yesterday, I had a check-up. I needed a new prescription of my BCP and I asked for some sleeping tablets. It's standard practice at my doctor's clinic to note down what is causing your insomnia (stops abuse and addiction of tablets, I assume) so I actually had to discuss what I'm anxious about. I thought that maybe it was mum's health concerns but what it actually boiled down to was a lack of control  that I have on my future.

It's two and a half weeks until my contract ends and we've made the decision that I won't be working (so that I can spend more time with my family over Christmas - we don't know how many Christmases we have left together) and running the numbers, we definitely can manage for a fair while on SB's income alone. Part of me is very apprehensive about relying on him to "take care" of everything. It's not that I think that he won't but I have been fiercely independent since, well, forever. It's hard for me to be dependent on other people but I'm guessing that's something that I have to learn.

My anxiety also stems from job uncertainty for 2012. I really want the opportunity to have a position with flexible hours and be able to be fulfilled in all areas of my life - that's why I started Bee Of Service. I just didn't expect to be put in the position where that is a serious reality next year. Changes in Ministry of Education funding have seen the bottom fall out of the secondary teaching market and it's entirely possible that I won't have a permanent teaching job next year. Kinda awesome, kinda sucks when we have a wedding to plan and pay for!

I need to get to a place of peace and serenity with my situation, a place where I am lowering these levels of anxiety to a healthy zone.  I need to trust that this situation is this way because it is meant to be, because there are lessons that I am meant to learn from this phase of life. I need to trust that it will work out because it always does. I fear that feeling that way is only going to come with time.

How do you destress and become less anxious, Scribblettes?

Relaxing Domestic Getaway

SB and I have just returned from a lovely mini-break to Wellington! It was great to get away from all the pressures of home (well, almost all, had the laptop with us so I could keep an eye on enquiries for the business) and just enjoy time together. We managed to catch up with a few of the people we correspond with on Twitter, all as equally lovely IRL as they are online. In the interests of not boring you silly with all our tales, enjoy our pictorial essay below!

Apparently I don't understand what the word holiday means...

I'm on holiday once again - and I'm solidly booked right up until we head away to Wellington on the 13th! I'm really excited about it - for the most part anyway. I've got a couple of appointments teed up for Bee of Service and I'm so excited about the business getting properly underway! It's nice to be spreading my wings a little bit further than my family and friends (although I love you guys too)!

I'm a bit bummed out that Monday means a return to work to iron out paperwork at work - another teacher declared that it was the most depressing part of the job. I think they're probably right. You join teacher because you're passionate about changing lives... and it doesn't feel like the paperwork does much to change teenagers into fully-fledged adults. Still, it is one of those necessary evils. Far better to get it sorted in peace and quiet than to attempt to get it done when I start teaching tutorials again next term!

I'm also all about the grooming this week - I have a haircut, pedicure and clothes-shopping trip (thanks to winning a $100 voucher from DressSmart on Twitter) planned before our trip... I'm going to hit Wellington as glam as possible after an eleven-hour train ride! The haircut is totally necessary, the pedicure a great chance to catch up with a friend and the clothing shop purely a case of luck :)

This may sound like I'm all glitter and kittens... I'm not. Mum had some bad health news this week, I got rejected from a teaching job without even an interview and I had a day that resulted in me bawling my eyes out at my desk (and scaring a couple of students to boot when they walked into my class without knocking). I'm just choosing to focus on the positive things for now and celebrate what I DO have than despair about future events - it's not like I can control them!

So here's to a busy four days with little time to mull over things outside my control. Here's to successful meetings, awesome haircuts and hanging out with friends. Here's to looking at the shiny side of the coin!

The Pot Calling The Kettle Black

I was harassing Corinne of Frock and Roll yesterday about her absence from our little online community - then I logged onto Blogger and realised I haven't posted for a couple of weeks. Ooops. I wish I had a great excuse but the reality is that life has been busy and when it hasn't been busy, I've just wanted to snuggle on the couch (or be tucked into bed - I've been that exhausted) with my future hubby. September has been hard for us, our usual routines upset by my second job (at the same school, just to be confusing). You have to make hay while the sun shines, right? I'm attempting to get financially on track so we're not hit too hard by my fun-employment period and while tutoring in the evenings means I feel totally shattered by the weekend, it also means that things won't feel too tight. It would be fantastic if Bee of Service could completely cover the shortfall but we must plan as if it won't.


There are nights that I look at the whiteboard in my classroom and think that life shouldn't be this hard. I wonder why I went back to university to become a teacher when I can't get a decent break in the education system. Pity party for one (and sometimes two) over here! I love working overtime on stuff I love - it never makes me sad to make time in my day to work on Bee Of Service (even if it is 11 pm!) and I'd quite gladly give up whole days of my weekend and holidays to help people achieve their organisational or event goals. It's hard when I'm working overtime literally for the love of money at an organisation that will be booting me out on my rear in just over a month's time.



I have fun, I'll admit - I had a lovely dinner out with Bron on Wednesday! Saturday was really good - we went into town, explored the Queens Wharf Fanzone, had dinner at Wildfire (which I feel like I am STILL digesting) and watched two Rugby World Cup games at a gorgeous little bar called Andrew Andrew. I'll take chillaxing on a leather banquette watching the game on a projector over the asphalt floors of "The Cloud" any day! Five weeks from now I'll have all the time in the world to get over my burnout and focus on my small business... on grey days like today (both inside and out) it's just a little bit harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Gotta have faith

Those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen my frantic postings on Friday regarding my job. For those of you who may have missed it, I've just had confirmation that my contract teaching position will be finishing a month earlier than expected. Not the worst thing that could have happened but it isn't ideal either when we are saving for a wedding. We've been examining the budget and working out where we can tighten our belts - the great thing about me not working would be that I would have time to create a lot more things from scratch. I'm also trying to ramp up additional income - trying to get Bee Of Service off the ground and looking around for possible temp positions.

The thing I failed to remember on Friday (and what I keep reminding myself now) is that everything WILL be okay. I don't mean that to sound trite, I truly believe that it will be. I survived until now, didn't I? At the beginning of last year, I had no job. I started relief teaching and most weeks had more work than I could possibly handle. I got a long-term relief job at another school that year and learnt more about classroom management (in the battlefields) than I could have possibly learnt at any course. At the end of the year, I got my current job, a job that has taught me so much about myself and the importance of family and community. Wherever I go to from here, it will continue to teach me the life lessons that I still need to learn. If one of those lessons is learning to rely on SB for a month, then that's what it will be - I hope that it's learning some exciting new skills though!

Whether you have belief in a Christian God, a higher positive power or just in yourself, you need to believe that it will be alright. You need to believe that what you are going through has purpose and is teaching you a lesson that you need to know... think on what that lesson is!

What lessons are you currently learning, Scribblettes?